Taemin felt warm.

He was wearing an orange sweater resembling autumn leaves and a light blue shirt underneath, with the usual black jeans and boots. His hair was up again, like the day he met Jongin, the same beads lost between his locks. From outside, he looked like one of the bookstore staff, as he moved through the store and helped place chairs, beverages and snacks. All smiles, he exchanged a couple of words with his editor and then bid him farewell.

Sitting on a chair, with a mug of citron tea between his palms, Taemin once again felt warm.

The sky sifted tiny snowflakes on the streets in a thin layer of white. It dispersed as soon as people hurried back and forth in front of the window. Taemin examined each face that stopped for a second to check the books on display or the posters stuck to the glass. They left every time, and it made him wonder if the bookstore became a haven only for the exclusive few. Despite all of the thoughts he’d typically have during a day like that, Taemin couldn’t quite gather them neatly in a story. Instead, his brain made sure they’d scatter when the image of Jongin came around.

It had been a week and a half since they last met. They talked through texts and Jongin called him every two days. He missed three out of four of those calls.

Taemin had succumbed again in the universes he had been creating before the blind date, to the words flowing out of his fingertips and on the screen of his laptop. His creativity spiked a new high and he had to exploit it while it lasted. He blamed the changes in his life, mostly him actually going out and not hibernating in the apartment, for fixing his writing mood. If he had to be sincere towards himself, he had been having problems writing anything for months, not because he didn’t know what to write about or how to structure his sentences and breathe life into his characters. Something was missing. He planned a break, some sort of trip outside Seoul, in an attempt to fix whatever was blocking his muse from reaching him.

Then, he thought he wouldn’t enjoy it either way and with his brother popping uninvited often as holidays approached, he’d hate to leave him alone.

He understood then what was going on. He couldn’t write because of his brother. Heechul nagged him often and forced him into conversations they wouldn’t have had a couple of months back. Chanyeol must have told him about his blossoming love affair. It was driving the younger sibling mad.

However, a part of Taemin had adjusted easily to everybody’s expectations, a part that enslaved his personality and manifested itself through a frozen smile. He knew how to shake off the pressure they were building on his shoulders like they owned them. When Heechul went on and on about how Taemin had been foolishly following a dream with his eyes shut tight, Taemin only smiled. He had done the same when Heechul warned him about Jongin.

‘He’s no good’, Heechul told him, screwing that thought unsuccessfully in his head. ‘He’ll make you suffer.’ With absolute control over his facial features, Taemin salvaged the situation by ignoring him. The only time he broke Taemin’s façade was when he told him they were moving too fast and no relationship of such speed could possibly last. It’d be consumed like a cigarette, burning fast and leaving only ashes behind.

He snapped at Heechul that day, something he hadn’t done in a while too.

Yes, Jongin wasn’t spectacular. He wasn’t amazingly romantic, wasn’t rich, at least, not when compared to the money Wonshik was sleeping on, nor had he anything special that might make Taemin feel the same craziness he had been experiencing with Heechul, but in much sweeter doses. That’s exactly why Taemin felt a powerful attraction towards him. That calmness, his honey glazed voice and the way he’d look at him like he could only see Taemin, they were all things he enjoyed. Maybe it was boring for Heechul, made his brother cynical, yet Taemin couldn’t ask for more.

There too, in the bookstore, with the tea between his palms, he was smiling. Not from the side that tensed his muscles upward, but from his heart beating fluidly, in pace with the inner peace Taemin acquired whenever he put Jongin foremost in his mind.

He looked up when one of the staff reminded him they’d start the meeting soon. He hid behind some bookcases and wondered if Jongin would be in the crowd. Taemin brought the mug to his mouth.

It felt warm.

---

“You’re going on a date?”

Sehun put his jacket on and flashed Jongin one of his trademark nasty grins.

“Are you jealous?”

Jongin scoffed as he got next to him by the door, coat in hand and ready to go out too.

“Not a chance. I’m seeing Taemin later today.”

“Nice,” Sehun patted his friend’s back, then wrapped the arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. “We’re both dating, so now it’s fair to annoy you too.”

Jongin laughed. He had been babbling constantly about Taemin ever since they had been going out and it did tick Sehun off at times, not because they once dated or because he was single (and bitter, Jongin would say). Jongin, somehow, had no other subjects and it was turning Sehun into a zombie whenever Jongin opened his mouth, drool and all, staring blankly and muttering something about brains because his had liquefied from boredom.

“Well, I have a boyfriend, so you got to get one too to make it truly fair.”

“Boyfriend?” Sehun let go of Jongin and worked on his shoes. “Is it official now?”

“Well,” Jongin did the same, their hands equally skillful as they tied laces. “We’re together.”

“Officially?” They stood up and faced one another, Sehun quizzical and Jongin puzzled. “Did you ask him to be your boyfriend?”

“Do I have to? I like not labeling what we have right now. Official or not, it’s nice.”

“Jongin, Jongin,” Sehun dramatically shook his head and then tossed his scarf around his neck. “If you hadn’t proposed, it’s never official.”

“You never proposed either and you were my boyfriend.”

“On the contrary, we were just buddies.”

“Nu-uh, we totally dated.”

“Dated, not been, been, together. Like those couples that wear matching outfits or something.”

Jongin frowned. He never thought of it from that perspective. Had he ever asked anyone he had been with in the past to be their lover? Or were they stuck in the dating game and that was one of the many issues that led to them ultimately cutting all ties? He was sure he and Sehun had something going on, even if it had been short. He never asked Sehun to be his boyfriend though and Sehun never mentioned it in the past. He naturally assumed they had that status the moment they crossed a line in intimacy.

What would Taemin be thinking whenever they met? Was it just another date for him too, another chance to get to know him better before one would pop the question? Or had he already accepted Jongin as something more?

“I slept at his house, though,” Jongin finally muttered as they were heading out to his car. “Doesn’t that mean we’re official?”

“Already?” Sehun’s shock hadn’t been an exaggeration and Jongin knew it. He wasn’t the only one to react like that at the news of him staying over at Taemin’s, but at least Sehun hadn’t followed his exclamation with the same question like everybody else, namely, whether his purpose there was for something else. “Isn’t it too sudden?”

“I don’t know.”

“Aren’t you moving too fast?”

Jongin looked up at his friend from the other side of the car, keys in hand and ready to get inside, as Sehun’s look softened. His was genuinely concerned and it only made Jongin cringe internally for bringing that night into the discussion.

“I don’t know.”

They hadn’t spoken during the ride.

At work, Jongin had been unusually quiet too. The more he tried to concentrate, the more Sehun’s words spun around his head. Everybody else was neutral about it. Chanyeol was freaking out with Christmas preparations, so he hadn’t observed any change in Jongin’s behavior, and Seungwan would only ask of Jongin’s personal life when he was at the very bottom. His boss was absent and most projects stagnated at the end of the year. Jongin hadn’t had much to do. It allowed him to better fish those words and align them nicely before him, analyzing every letter and putting them in different scenarios involving him and all of his past partners – what would have happened if Jongin asked each one to be his lover?

He was too afraid to add Taemin to the list. He’d have to try it out in reality.

After he got out of work, he parked not far away from the bookstore and bought some roasted chestnuts. He planned to give them to Taemin, until he saw the crowd gathered inside, all waiting in front of an empty chair. He retreated to a corner when Taemin came out and took the empty seat, hopeful he wouldn’t spot him right away.

The meet and greet section lasted for about an hour. Taemin read from his latest novel and communicated with his fans. It amused Jongin to see him flustered and hear his laughter coming from something other than their talks. He ended up buying a copy of the novel and lined up for the book signing. Those before him stopped to ask some more questions or gave Taemin a bunch of gifts he accepted with a dazzling smile and a short bow of his head.

By the time Jongin finally got in front of him, Taemin had a pair of kitty ears on his head and his smile grew wider.

“Hello Mr. Lee,” he casually put the book in front of him and Taemin’s professionalism saved him from giving Jongin a hug. “I really love your Moon novel.”

“Is that so?” Taemin opened the book and was ready to sign it, when he stopped his hand and tilted his head to the side slightly, hair falling along. “To whom am I speaking?”

“Jongin. Kim Jongin.”

“Mr. Kim,” Taemin signed the novel and added a short message underneath it. He gave the book back and bit down on his lip. “Thank you for coming today. I hope you enjoy this one too.”

Jongin nodded and moved aside, letting the next person get their personal time with Taemin. But, unlike with the rest, Taemin’s gaze lingered longer as Jongin walked away to his corner. He only turned to the fan when Jongin read the message.

---

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

“GPS said otherwise.”

Taemin whined. He had been holding his phone and giving directions, so when Jongin finally admitted he had been checking the car’s GPS too and knew the area they were heading to, it made Taemin pout for the rest of the ride.

“Then it’s not a surprise anymore.”

“There are a lot of things in this area. I don’t know where you want us to go.”

“Yes, you do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.”

They continued bickering until Taemin forcefully dragged Jongin down the street. His kiddy side became brutally exposed and it only made Jongin like him even more.

What he absolutely did not like was where Taemin pointed.

There were certain things in one’s life that paralyzed them with fear. Those fears usually stemmed from childhood trauma, like scary clowns or spiders lurking around the house. More complex fears, like when the entire body shuts down at the sight of blood, were rooted in ancestry. Jongin’s fear, on the other hand, had no logical explanation. Anxiety and suspicion were responsible for that one. He was doing his best not to show how much he dreaded Taemin’s idea and how much he wanted to go home and cuddle with his pups, far away from the ice rink grandiosely opening before him.

He’d break a bone, for sure, that evening or crack his skull open, then wake up with amnesia and fall all over again for Taemin. Which would have been an excellent plot for a story. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the novelist between the two, and Taemin had to tug at his hand to wake him up from the many possible outcomes slapping Jongin in the face.

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Perfect.” Taemin’s eyebrows did that thing where only one shoots for the forehead and the other one is too lazy to follow. Whenever it happened, Jongin knew he had done or said something wrong. “I mean,” and honesty had always been the antidote, “I don’t know how to skate,” or at least, half of it, “well, I never really tried”.

He tried. Many times. Many, many times. It always ended with pain.

“I’m not that good either. Let’s help each other.”

Jongin thought it was easier said than done. After Taemin paid for everything, including renting the skates, Jongin was still afraid of whatever awaited him. Seeing Taemin shining and eager to share a more special experience with him, made Jongin loosened a little.

Just a little.

The moment they went out on the ice, he became stiff again and if not for the walls, he would have plummeted with the first step.

“You sure you’re good?”

Taemin skated next to him and held Jongin’s hand. Surely, he could tell him the whole truth and be done with it or shut up and become a masochist for the evening. There were three possible outcomes, regardless of his choice – 1. Jongin looked like a complete loser and Taemin lost interest in him, 2. A miracle temporarily transformed him into Yuna Kim and saved his relationship, 3. Taemin was the kind person Jongin believed in and they had a great time together, despite his two legs not cooperating.

Before he could choose, Taemin pulled him away from the wall and slowly, but surely, they were skating together in a circle. They followed the group in front of them and Jongin felt for a second he could do it. That was until Taemin glanced at him and then let go of his hand, gliding ahead. In the next second, Jongin dropped straight on his . Taemin immediately helped him up and looked apologetic for a second, only for Jongin to laugh and ease his guilt.

“Are you alright?”

“Move,” Jongin urged and was his turn to pull, “we’re blocking the path.”

Taemin looked behind them and there were other groups heading their way, all following the same circle pattern across the ice rink. Once they were again within a reasonable pace, Taemin gripped tighter on Jongin’s hand.

“But are you alright?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You fell.”

“It’s all part of the experience.”

Jongin said it all with a smile, dodging any sign that showed how much his ankles, legs, bottom and hips hurt. It wasn’t until the second time he rudely became acquainted with the ice, from a boy no older than ten cutting in line, that he winced and hunched his back like an old man when Taemin helped him up again.

“Are you sure this is the kind of experience you want to add to your portfolio?”

“Yes,” Jongin spoke between his teeth, only to give Taemin another smile. He should have gotten his longer coat that day because his jeans were already soaked. No, scratch that. He shouldn’t have gotten jeans in the first place, but he thought he’d be more comfortable for when he’d meet Taemin. “No pain, no gain?”

“How about we rest near the wall?” Taemin ignored him and without an answer, he guided Jongin back to the edge. “I should have talked with you about this, I’m sorry. Want to go somewhere else?”

“Nah,” Jongin grabbed the wall and chortled at his foolishness. The winter breeze was cooling his damp clothes, making it feel worse than it was in reality. “I’ll be fine. There’s a beginning to everything.”

“But does it have to begin today?”

“Yes,” Jongin came closer and their noses almost touched, “because this is a place you picked and I want you to have fun.”

Taemin pushed him slightly, enough to widen the gap between their bodies.

“I wanted to have fun together.”

Jongin came close again, this time to take Taemin’s hand off the wall and get back in rhythm. He bent his knees slightly and tried to relax. He let some distance between them and held his arms out.

“We are going to have fun together then!”

Taemin knew he should be looking forward, not at Jongin. He admired the way the man hadn’t given up and how well he preserved his high spirit. He didn’t want to say it because it was obvious and he didn’t want to make Jongin even more uncomfortable than he already was, but he didn’t believe Jongin was enjoying it. Still, he made an effort, which was more than Taemin had ever asked from anybody. The fact that he chose to go with him, even after he found out their destination, made his heart flutter. He didn’t pay attention to the ice rink anymore, his eyes set only on Jongin. Which is why it was Taemin’s turn to meet the ground when Jongin violently yanked him to avoid colliding with another person.

At least he hadn’t landed straight on the ice.

Taemin groaned and stared down at Jongin, who only stared back and was about to make a cheesy remark when several other people came to their aid. It would have to wait.

---

“I’m all wet.” Jongin’s expression made Taemin laugh. “What are you thinking?”

They were heading back to the car. Jongin swore he couldn’t feel his nether regions anymore. It was all worth it. He quite enjoyed it, mostly because Taemin was right by his side and anything, no matter how awful, could be bypassed if a dear one had his back.

“That I am too,” Jongin blurted out. Taemin laughed louder. “I have some spare clothes in my car. I just need to get them.”

He wanted to share them with Taemin. It wasn’t until he checked his trunk that he remembered he never replaced the clothes he used the day he came straight from Taemin’s home to work. With nothing to spare, he got in the car and sighed.

“Clothes?” Taemin was already there, buckled up and ready to leave. They agreed on a café to warm up.

“No clothes.”

“Ah.” Was all Taemin could say as he watched the snow falling again, with bigger flakes and a lot faster than before. Jongin the engine to heat them up and the windshield wipers came to life at the same time, erasing the flakes just as he did with Taemin’s mood.

He suddenly wanted to get in bed and snuggle with his blankets and pillows. The idea of going anywhere else but his home scared him. He was cold, hungry and exhausted after socializing at the book signing and after skating. He hadn’t denied his involvement in the grand scheme of things – after all, he could have easily told Jongin to hang at the bookstore and then part – but he didn’t expect it to backfire before the evening ended. He should have thought things better. He was always in one of two spheres – hyperactive, overflowing with confidence and ready to climb even the tallest mountain or depressed, moody, needing no human interaction and spending each day drown in writing to ease a little the sorrow. That day, he resided in the first sphere, only to catapult in the second.

“Taemin?”

“I want to go home.” Taemin softly spoke and lifted his eyes from his lap. He was face to face with a brown bag Jongin was holding. “What’s this?”

“I forgot to give you these,” Jongin watched as Taemin carefully unrolled the top of the brown bag and opened it.

“Chestnuts?” Taemin concluded and looked up again.

“Yes. I don’t think they’re warm anymore. They’re peeled, so it should be alright?” Jongin doubted his own words. At least, he didn’t completely forget about the chestnuts like he forgot about the clothes. “And I’ll drive you home then.”

“Do you need to go to the office tomorrow?”

Jongin fixed his mirror.

“No,” he didn’t look at Taemin anymore. He was too preoccupied with leaving the parking spot safely. “I’m free this weekend.”

Normally, Jongin rarely worked the weekends, except for when they were swamped with work and he couldn’t sleep on a Friday knowing his colleagues missed their free days to complete the project. Fortunately, they had nothing urgent. It was always like that – no one cared about their jobs towards the end of the year. Family and friends came first. It also made Jongin a workaholic because he had no one to go to without stepping on his pride.

He didn’t notice that Taemin came closer. He didn’t react when he kissed him.

“Then come up again,” Taemin whispered. “Stay for the night.”

Jongin had many absurd fears, many phobias he shared with no one and battled on a field of uncertainty. Some were bigger, locked in cages only certain cataclysms could break, hidden away so no one could have easy access to the monstrosities trapped inside.

Jongin’s heart weighted down in his chest, slowly heading for the acidity in his stomach.

Taemin released the worst one.