Soliloquy

     My plans of finishing my book were shattered, mutilated, and shipped off to another dimension. Let me start by saying that going to a party was not part of my to-do list today. Nor was “have a crush on Donghae” part of my usual routine. Therefore today was unexpectedly unique and scary at the same.

     After Donghae and Jessica left, I confessed to Kyu the unusual feeling I had experienced: the shaky legs, the abnormal throbbing of my heart, everything. And after I stated my predicament, Kyuhyun only laughed at me and said, “That’s love,” as if it would explain everything; as if it were that common. Sure, to him it may be that simple since he’s good-looking, has a pleasant personality, and seems to radiate a mature aura. Kyu had a couple of girlfriends before, but none of which seemed to work out for him. Eventually, he’d find a fatal flaw on each of them, and because of which, caused them to split. It would be needless to say that Kyu is a picky person; which is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. He’s picky about almost everything, ranging from food, to music, to friends, even what to wear inside his common household. However, it was through his pickiness wherein he was able to avoid trouble, flirts, and bad company. Going back to the subject at hand, after I asked Kyu to explain the whole “falling in love” concept to me and said, “It’s kinda an involuntary feeling, and when you feel it, it’s like you’re drawn to the person, lost in your own universe wherein you are the Earth while he is the sun. And all you ever want is to be with that person, stand by their side, even if it means it’s the both of you against the world.” After he said that, I looked at him in the eye and said, “It sounds like you’ve experienced such a feeling before.” But he looked away, and the look in his face told me he doesn’t want to talk about it.

     Even though I constantly told myself that I wasn’t in love with Donghae, that I was merely overwhelmed by such masculinity which reminded me so much of my older brother, there’s always this nagging voice behind my head that constantly tells me that it was much more than that. It took all my willpower to lock that voice out of my head.

     When I arrived home, the first thing I did was open my wardrobe to scavenge something to wear for the party. None of my outfits were particularly new; most of them were hand-me-downs given by my older cousins and others were presents from special occasions. I didn’t mind really. I’m not the type of girl who spends more than an hour deciding what to wear and applying make-up to cover the blemishes on my face. Some people even remarked that I lacked femininity and finesse saying that I am too direct, independent and dressed like a guy oftentimes. But I don’t take these things negatively; I see them more as a compliment than a sort of criticism. Seeing the shortage of semi-formal wear inside my closet, I picked the closest thing to the thing I could find. Although its style is more casual than formal, it’s the best thing I got besides ballroom gowns and excessive formal wear. Besides, it has an accent color of pink. And nothing screams feminine more than the color pink. I wore a pink blouse, a pink headband, a pair of white and pink sneakers, and a pair of tight-fitting jeans to complete the outfit. All this stuff was new for me, since I didn’t go out much. And I myself don’t know what compelled me to this party anyway. I could’ve easily turned down the offer, but something halted me before I could do such an act. The voice in my head told me it was because of the thrill of seeing Donghae again, and I have to admit, that was partly true; which is stupid. Why are you doing this to yourself? Don’t you see? Hae has Sica for himself already! What’s the point of breaking your own heart? I argued with myself with this one simple matter. And it made me wonder if it would’ve done well if I haven’t met him at all; if I trusted my instincts and headed straight to the library rather than to that unforgiving basketball court.