160630 Thursday

He admits.

He was afraid when Joo-hyung popped out of nowhere and suddenly appeared in his life, a life which he thought was complete.

Joo-hyung … the man he thought he hated. Joo-hyung … the man he loved with all his heart. Joo-hyung … is right here, right in front of him.

And he’s come back for him.

“Baekkie.” The way he calls his name is so gentle, so careful, as if he never wants to hurt Baekhyun. But wasn’t this the man that had hurt him so badly he thought he’d never deserve happiness again? Wasn’t this the man that crushed his hopes and dreams?

But this was also the man that gave him hope, gave him happiness – gave him love. This was the man that stopped him from self-harming, accompanied him through all his lonely times, and made him believe in forever.

Baekhyun is watching him, watching without a speck of shyness, because he’s past that. He watches as Joo Sung turns and looks at Chanyeol.

“He your boyfriend?” Joo-hyung asks quietly. “Chanyeol, is it?”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun replies, wanting to check Joo-hyung’s reaction. Is he jealous? Joo-hyung is frowning, and it seems as if he is.

“Look, Baekkie … I came here to apologise.” Joo-hyung whispers. “I came here to say sorry, for everything I’ve done.”

“You hurt me, Joo-hyung.” Baekhyun says softly, voice trembling. How can this man still look so handsome, so perfect, after everything that happened? “You hurt me so much.” Joo-hyung’s eyes look sad as he takes a step forward. Afraid, Baekhyun steps back.

Afraid, because he doesn’t trust Joo-hyung yet.

Afraid, because he doesn’t want to know how his heart might react.

Afraid, because he’s supposed to be ing taken, but all he’s thinking about is this man before him.

“I know.” Joo-hyung whispers. “It was all to protect you.” Baekhyun’s heart flutters.

“What?” His voice is small and hopeful. “What … what does that mean?”

“It means …” Joo-hyung’s face is kind. “It means that I had to act. It was all my fault, Baekkie, but I needed to act … I need to protect you.” Baekhyun is silent, breath hitched in his throat.

“Do you believe me, Baekkie?” Joo-hyung sounds so sad. “I waited so long. I looked everywhere for you, but I couldn’t find you.” Does he dare believe Joo-hyung? Does he dare put his heart on the line again?

“Yeah.” Baekhyun whispers, trying not to think about betraying Chanyeol. “Yeah, I believe you.”

“You’ve grown so much.” Joo-hyung’s voice is soft, eyes raving over Baekhyun’s face. Then he leans in. Baekhyun can’t breathe. The expensive cologne is still there, the same as ever.

“Your boyfriend seems to be jealous.” Joo-hyung chuckles. “If you want, meet me here during midnight.” With that, he sends one last smile at Baekhyun, then leaves.

Of course Baekhyun has to meet with him.

They’ve waited so long, and finally they can see each other.

Just like that, all his past traumas seem to be forgotten as he lets Joo-hyung hold his hands.

Forgotten and put aside, exactly like he had done with Park Chanyeol.

Baekhyun spends every night with Joo-hyung and avoids Park Chanyeol every day.

He doesn’t know how to face Chanyeol. He doesn’t know how to say it. I don’t love you. I don’t want you.

It was never you I looked at.

“Do you hate me?” Joo-hyung asks one night, when Baekhyun stops holding his hand because Chanyeol’s face in his mind is making him feel so guilty. How does he explain that he’s never seen Chanyeol that way? Even so, Park Chanyeol fades from his mind as Baekhyun thinks about Joo-hyung’s question. He doesn’t … He doesn’t hate Joo-hyung. No matter what happened, and after all these years, he can’t hate Joo-hyung.

After all, Joo-hyung is his first love. He tried to hate Joo-hyung, he has to admit. He wanted to hate Joo-hyung, wanted to feel hate instead of sad love, but in the end, he couldn’t.

“I … don’t think I can ever hate you …” He whispers.

“Do you forgive me, Baekkie?” Joo-hyung steps closer, and Baekhyun can’t breathe again. This man can so easily make him flush, make him feel breathless, make him feel as if he’s in love again. Baekhyun doesn’t move, because part of him is thinking about Chanyeol but the other part just wants to forget about him and only think about them. Joo-hyung holds his hand, and Baekhyun freezes, for a moment wanting to give in to the warmth, but eventually he pulls away. He doesn’t want to hurt Chanyeol.

“You can hate me, Baekkie. You can be afraid of me, but I just wanted you to know that … that …” Joo-hyung’s voice breaks. “That was all just an act. They told me I had to hurt you, and that way, they won’t kill you …” Joo-hyung sounds so sorry, so sad.

“I … I couldn’t let them get to you. T-They told me that they would kill you in front of me if I didn’t do what I did back then. I’m sorry I hurt you, Baekkie, but I had to protect you. I had to act so convincingly so that you could leave the coward I was. I had to save you.” Baekhyun is trembling. Joo-hyung looks so pained, so hurt. Why? Why are there such cruel people in the world?

“I understand, Baekkie … I understand now that there’s someone else in your life, but please, just know that I was doing it to protect you. I don’t deserve you, and I know what I did hurt you so much, but that was because I love you. I would do anything for you.” Joo-hyung. says sadly, and he lets go of Baekhyun’s hand, turning around to leave. Baekhyun hesitates again, but this time, without thinking, he reaches out and stops Joo-hyung, grabbing his wrist. He gasps softly when Joo-hyung turns around and hugs him tightly. The hug is so warm, so full of love.

“You idiot …” Baekhyun’s voice is broken. “You … You should’ve told me. Y-You should’ve … you should’ve let them kill me …” Killing him would’ve been easier than letting him live through all those years alone, without Joo-hyung. Letting him believe that Joo-hyung never loved him and only cared about the money.

“No!” Joo-hyung lets him go and grabs his shoulders, leaning down to look into his eyes. “I would never. I would rather die than have them touch you.” Would you? Baekhyun’s heart is soaring.

“I couldn’t live without you.” Somehow, his thoughts from all these years surface and he speaks them without restrains. “I would die for you, Joo-hyung, because that was how much I loved you.” It was the truth. He loved Joo-hyung so much that he’d rather die than live without him.

“Do you … still love me? Baekkie?” Joo-hyung reaches up to his cheek. It’s such a gentle thing. Baekhyun’s hand holds onto Joo Sung’s forearm, looking up at him with tear-stained eyes. He thinks about this. He closes his eyes and thinks about this, letting stray tears fall down his cheeks.

Then again, he never needed to think about this.

All along, he had loved Joo-hyung. Loved him so much that all he had thought about was Joo-hyung as he lived through the next seven years. Loved him so much that … even though he was dating Park Chanyeol, all he could see when he looks into Chanyeol’s eyes was Joo-hyung.

It had always been Joo-hyung. It can’t be anyone else.

“Yes.” Baekhyun whispers. “Yes, I always have. Is it stupid, to still love you so much after what happened?” He still feels bitter. He still feels sadness and that little string of betrayal tying his heart.

“Baekkie.” Joo-hyung’s voice is trembling as he reaches out and hugs Baekhyun again. The smaller buries his face in Joo Sung’s chest. “Baekkie … I love you …”

Baekhyun’s crying, but he’s laughing. Finally, he knows the truth. Finally he can rest, knowing that Joo-hyung had loved him all along, and had done all that to protect him. He laughs again, smiling at a Joo-hyung who looks just as happy. He’s never felt happier.

“You’re finally back …” Baekhyun whispers. “I thought I was waiting for nothing, but …” He laughs and leans towards Joo-hyung again, who hugs him protectively. Joo-hyung cups his cheeks, leaning to kiss him, and Baekhyun would’ve let him. Baekhyun had been so close to letting him.

But his value holds closer to his heart. He turns away, heart sinking when he remembers someone.

“Chanyeol.” He mutters softly. “I can’t … I can’t cheat on him.” He feels guilty. After all, it seems as if Chanyeol really cares about him, but all he cared about was Joo-hyung. He only loved Joo-hyung.

“Oh …” Joo-hyung moves away, understanding. “Are you going to …?” Going to break up with him?

“I don’t know.” Baekhyun feels so conflicted. “I don’t know how to say it …” The last thing he wants is to hurt Chanyeol. He can’t tell him that he had been seeing someone else this entire time while looking at him, wishing for someone else, longing for someone else.

“Then let’s be friends for now.” Joo-hyung smiles, reaches down and holds Baekhyun’s hand. Baekhyun almost smiles – Joo-hyung is always so understanding. That’s why he loves him. “Friends hold hands, right?” Still, Chanyeol is a new burden to him, and so he can only nod half-heartedly.

“All that matters is that you’re by my side.” Joo-hyung continues, leaning down and kissing Baekhyun’s forehead. Baekhyun feels flutters in his stomach. Baekhyun feels his heart racing. “It doesn’t matter if you’re dating someone else. I’m happy as long as I can be by your side.”

“No.” Baekhyun says softly. “I want to be with you.” Joo-hyung smiles gently.

“Then I can wait longer.” Joo-hyung brings his hand to rest by Baekhyun’s cheek, affectionately. Baekhyun closes his eyes and leans into the touch. “I’ll wait forever for you.”

“I’ll get this sorted.” Baekhyun whispers. “Then I’ll be yours.” I’ll be yours forever.

Then, no one can break us apart again.

Baekhyun doesn’t want to face Chanyeol.

He doesn’t want to face anyone for that matter, because they don’t understand.

They’ll never understand.

He knows Chen is overprotective of him, so he decides to talk to everyone through Chen, letting him update news on him to them. When Joo-hyung asked for him to move in with him, Baekhyun had been so delighted and excited he had agreed straightaway, without even knowing the consequences. Now, he’s forty-five minutes away from his university. Joo-hyung often drives him there and often stays there for him, and somehow, that makes everything all the more better.

This time, Joo-hyung is unafraid. Baekhyun had told him to wear a cap so everyone would think he’s Chanyeol. Joo-hyung visits him often, takes him to places around the school so they can talk and hold hands and catch up to the times they were separated. Joo-hyung seems to love his school, always volunteering to drive him there and hang out with him there, as if the school’s the most romantic place to be. Baekhyun doesn’t mind it because it’s more convenient for him. Even when Baekhyun wants to go somewhere else for lunch, Joo-hyung would insist on staying, telling him that he couldn’t leave the school merely because it was less convenient for the younger. Baekhyun smiles at how considerate Joo-hyung is.

He stays with Joo-hyung, because he wants to spend more time with his … his boyfriend now. He wants to know how Joo-hyung lives, and he wants to be a big part of Joo-hyung’s life.

Joo-hyung says he’s earned more money since he’s paid his debts (apologising once again for using Baekhyun’s money), and that he had used the rest of his money to build a small mansion (that Baekhyun now lives in and loves), hoping that one day he’d find Baekhyun so they can live together in this very mansion. Somehow, dream after dream continues to come true one after the other, and Baekhyun just can’t believe his luck.

Aside from their catching up and getting more intimate, Joo-hyung often asks about Chanyeol.

“How’s Chanyeol?” Joo-hyung tries to ask casually, but Baekhyun laughs.

“We stopped contacting.” Baekhyun smiles. “Because I know you can get jealous.” Teasing, he pokes Joo-hyung’s nose. Joo-hyung frowns.

“Why would you do that?” He asks blankly.

“Why do you ask about him anyway?” Baekhyun grins, trying to hide the fact that Chanyeol still makes him feel guilty. “He’s gone. He’s not in our lives anymore.”

“Because … I’m worried for him.” Joo-hyung mutters. “I feel like … if my love got stolen, I’d feel really bad too.” Baekhyun’s smile slips off. It’s because Joo-hyung’s got a point that it makes him even guiltier.

“He’ll get over it.” Baekhyun mutters. “Please … let’s not talk about him anymore.”

“But Baekkie –”

“Please. He’s not worth it. I don’t want to talk about him anymore. Let’s just pretend he doesn’t exist.” Baekhyun stares at him. “Besides, if you’re jealous, I only dated him because of you. Because he looked like you.” Joo-hyung is staring at him. “Or did you not notice that?”

“Don’t disturb me.” Chanyeol whispers to Jongin and Kyungsoo. “I’m fine. I just need to catch up on homework.”

“But … can’t we stay with you while you do your homework?” Jongin is confused. Kyungsoo nods eagerly in agreement. Chanyeol laughs – Jongin and Kyungsoo are so pure.

“No, because you guys will definitely distract me.” Chanyeol says softly, smiling at them. “I’ll be fine. I have been for days, haven’t I?” Kyungsoo and Jongin look at each other, then hesitantly back away.

“Well, call us if you need, okay?” Jongin calls. “We’re here for you, man.”

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo says. “We’re here.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Chanyeol nods at them, then opens the door and closes it behind them. He sees Jungsoo there again, but Chanyeol is back to ignoring him, mostly because Jungsoo reminds him so much of Baekhyun. Of those simple times when he had been so innocently jealous of the boy. Of those times where everything was easier and living wasn’t so hard.

“I’ll be going out.” Jungsoo says. Chanyeol ignores him again. He hates this room, but this is the only place he can have privacy. He avoids his room every day now, but he hides in it at night. Jungsoo is hardly ever here anyway, so he can have his privacy. “I have work. I’ll be back tomorrow morning?”

When Jungsoo is gone, Chanyeol quickly locks the door behind him, sinking down onto the floor. It’s an addiction and he can’t help it. He pulls out his phone and watches the same video again, with Baekhyun feeding him potato swirls on his birthday.

He doesn’t know how he can watch the same thing over and over again without getting sick of it. Rather, he can’t stop watching it.

He feels pain again, because this boy in the video will never love him back, and he doesn’t know how to get over it other than let it diminish for a while. Getting up on unstable feet, he stumbles and pulls out his drawer, where he’s kept all the cans of beer he had bought a few days ago.

He’s letting everyone down. He’s lying to his closest friends and he’s bottling himself up, keeping all his emotions locked up in his heart. He’s using all the money his family gave him, that’s supposed to be spent on useful things, and that he’s promised himself never to use unless for urgent emergencies, on alcohol. All because of a boy who can’t love him back.

He drinks. He keeps drinking. He laughs when he realises that he’s getting better and doesn’t pass out as much anymore, but then again he frowns when he realises that it means he has to drink more to forget more.

“You’re … such an idioooot.” Chanyeol mumbles to the boy in the video. “You idiooooot. Can’t you see that mm the better one? Hm?” Chanyeol taps his fingernail against the boy’s face. “I’m … hot … M’good lookin’ …” Chanyeol trails off, eyes lifting to trail over the piles of books on his desk. He has so much homework but he’s not doing them. Guess why? Chanyeol feels so annoyed. He feels so pissed. He feels so … so …

So sad.

Joking around and scolding the Baekhyun in the video isn’t even amusing anymore. Chanyeol frowns, watching how flawless the other man can be without even trying. He hates it. He hates how much Baekhyun can do to him, and how little he can do to Baekhyun.

He hates it, because Baekhyun’s so happy with someone else, and he can only sit here and ruin himself. Isn’t this his deepest wish? For Baekhyun to be happy?

Then why, in turn, is he so unhappy?

I’ll get over it. He tells himself silently as he stands up, throwing the cans in the bin and opening the windows. His head hurts, throbbing painfully. I’ll get over him … but not now.

Once, he wanted to protect Baekhyun. Once, he vowed to love Baekhyun for life.

But now he realises he isn’t what Baekhyun needs. Rather, he seems to be a burden.

He wants to get over Baekhyun, not because it hurts less, not because he has no chance, but because he had always been just a burden.

But getting over him is so hard. It’s so ing hard.

Trying to climb out of this hole is hard. It’s so damn hard.

He has friends by his side, friends who want to help him, who would do anything to make sure he’s happy again. But they’re not enough, and he hates that they’re not enough.

Who he needs most is not here with him. It’s pathetic how easily Chanyeol has constructed his life around Baekhyun.

Hiccupping, Chanyeol stumbles towards his bed and falls on it. Byun Hyun is now stuffed under his bed, forgotten, because it reminds him of too much.

This room reminds him of too much.

But it’s all he has.

Closing his eyes, Chanyeol falls asleep, the only true comfort he has left.

“Go back home?” Jungsoo frowns. “Yeah, yeah, I’m here already. You rest too, yeah?” Jungsoo presses against his earpiece, then twists the doorknob.

It’s locked.

Frowning even more, Jungsoo takes out his key and unlocks the door, then walks in.

The stench of alcohol fills the air, and when he turns, he finds Chanyeol taking another swig from a can in his hand. There are cans all over the floor, and in his other hand, he holds a phone.

“Hyung?” Jungsoo stumbles towards the windows and opens them, letting out the smell. “What are you doing?” Chanyeol ignores him.

“Didn’t you … didn’t you promise your friends that you won’t do it again?” Jungsoo closes the door and tries to lift Chanyeol up, but the taller pushes him away. Surprised at how much strength a drunkard has, Jungsoo stumbles backwards, blinking.

“I miss him …” Chanyeol whispers softly, his cheeks flushed and eyes droopy. Once upon a time, Jungsoo had found Chanyeol to be handsome when he first saw him. He seemed confident to the point where it could become intimidating, and he always wore a grin that seemed to stun everyone who sees it.

Now … his smile is gone and he slouches and curls up into a ball. All because of one man.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Jungsoo says gently as he grabs Chanyeol again. Years of training has never failed him, and it doesn’t fail him now as he grips the taller’s arm and hoists him up. Chanyeol grunts. Jungsoo sighs. He understands why Chanyeol would go through this – after all, he used to have a crush on Baekhyun himself.

“Look at you, wasting yourself away.” Jungsoo mutters. Does Baekhyun want that? He wants to say, but he knows Chanyeol won’t take it. Maybe Chanyeol hears the unspoken sentence on his lips, because he starts thrashing.

Okay, so Jungsoo has had training and he can carry Chanyeol bridal style if he wanted to, but right now Chanyeol is going out of control and Jungsoo doesn’t know how to control him. He’s thrashing and he’s using his height as an advantage and he’s kicking around and Jungsoo doesn’t want this idiot to kick his balls –

He lets go. Chanyeol collapses on the floor, still thrashing. He’s wailing like a big baby, lips cracked and bleeding from opening his mouth so wide. Jungsoo sighs. Why did he room up with this person in the first place?

Oh, right. Because Baekhyun gave him this ing room. Because Baekhyun thought it was more convenient to use his room for school than find a new one. Because…

His thoughts disappear when Chanyeol flips over and crawls back, grabbing a new can of beer and dunking it down his throat. Jungsoo doesn’t want to care. He wants to walk away and pretend nothing ever happened.

But he can’t.

Eventually, Jungsoo crouches down, trying to snatch the can away. Chanyeol moves away, kicking out his long legs so violently that Jungsoo can’t get close to him.

“You’re so childish!” Jungsoo shouts, annoyed. “Gosh, no wonder no one calls you hyung!”

“I’m not childish!” Chanyeol shouts back, face reddening more and more. “I’m … M’older than you!”

Jungsoo sighs. Why does he even try to argue with this person?

In the end, when he realises that he can’t do anything else, he decides to call Kyungsoo. After all, Kyungsoo’s his best friend, right?

“Hello?”

“Chanyeol is being an idiot again.” Jungsoo sighs. “Do you think he’d really listen to you?”

“What does that mean?”

“He’s ing drunk on the ing floor, kicking his ing brains out because I’m trying to stop him from drinking.” Jungsoo sighs again. There is silence on the other line.

“That idiot.” Kyungsoo breathes. “I’ll be right there.” Then he hangs up.

Jungsoo wishes he has a best friend like Kyungsoo. Somehow, Kyungsoo has a determined resolution to stop Chanyeol from hurting himself. Just like the other day, how he had searched all over their area of Seoul just because of Chanyeol. Eventually, Kyungsoo opens the door, not even having time to acknowledge Jungsoo before he crouches down to Chanyeol, who has calmed down and stopped thrashing.

He watches as Kyungsoo bends down and talks to him gently, with utmost patience but amazing strictness. He watches as Chanyeol’s eyes are wide as he listens intently, and he wonders how Kyungsoo does it.

“Chanyeol, look at you.” Kyungsoo whispers, leaning so close to him. “Is this how you want to be like for the rest of your life?” Dazed, Chanyeol blinks at him.

“Is this what your parents want?” Chanyeol shakes his head slowly.

“Then what do your parents want?” Kyungsoo asks softly. He’s not touching anything. He’s not threatening, as if he just wants to talk. Not steal his beer. Not steal his phone. Not force him to shower.

“They …” Chanyeol strains his brain. “They … want me to be happy.”

“Are you happy now?” The smaller asks. His eyes are huge. Chanyeol thinks to himself, staring in wonder. How can they be so big? “Hm? Are you going to tell me?”

“…No.” Chanyeol replies, sinking into dejection when the smaller brings him back to reality. “I’m unhappy.” Kyungsoo’s frown deepens, his eyebrows furrowing, and Chanyeol wonders why.

“Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?” Kyungsoo asks. Chanyeol doesn’t answer – his brain is too fried. Instead, he lifts his eyes again, this time resting on Kyungsoo’s lips. They’re heart-shaped. He suddenly remembers that Kyungsoo’s lips are heart-shaped. When Kyungsoo grips his arm, Chanyeol feels obliged to answer his question, so he shakes his head like a kicked puppy.

“When you do this, does it not hurt us?” Kyungsoo whispers. Chanyeol muses for a moment, feeling guilty. “Does it not hurt your parents? Does it not hurt your friends? Does it not hurt Jongin? Does it not hurt me?” Chanyeol is silent.

“Do you want to hurt us?” Shake. “Then are you going to stop doing this? For us?” Chanyeol doesn’t say anything for a while.

“But … I don’t want to hurt …” Chanyeol mutters. “I don’t want to hurt …”

“I know.” Kyungsoo sighs as he shifts and sits down in front of Chanyeol. “I know, so let us help you? Hm?” Chanyeol stares at him, watches the way those heart-shaped lips move. Once, he liked Kyungsoo. Once, he liked to think of how it would feel if he pressed his lips against Kyungsoo’s.

Baekhyun’s lips elicited a spark inside of him.

He wonders if Kyungsoo’s does.

Without even thinking, Chanyeol had grabbed Kyungsoo and pressed their lips together. He doesn’t know what makes him do it, but he does it, and he kisses Kyungsoo hard. He kisses Kyungsoo long, because he wants to confirm. He wants to know.

BAM!

His brain registers too late the blinding pain that suddenly slaps itself onto his cheek. He stumbles back, clutching his face, blinking in confusion. That’s when he realises Kyungsoo had punched him.

That’s when he realises he had kissed Kyungsoo.

There is so much emotion in Kyungsoo’s eyes, so much for a simple-minded drunk Chanyeol, who can hardly decipher even one of them – anger. They stand like that for a long time, metres apart but facing each other, looking into each other’s eyes. Kyungsoo is panting, and Chanyeol is trying not to wince from the blow. It takes him a while to understand the situation fully.

“Get a grip.” Kyungsoo hisses. Chanyeol understands now. He steps forward, but Kyungsoo steps back, as if burned. “Get a ing grip, Park Chanyeol.” Then he storms towards the door and slams it closed behind him.

Chanyeol stands there like a ragdoll. Even when Jungsoo, someone whose presence he had completely forgotten, comes to his senses to talk to Chanyeol, the taller ignores him.

Chanyeol shuts his eyes, playing back to the way their lips had fitted together. It felt perfect, like they had been made for each other.

But it didn’t feel good. But it felt wrong.

It felt wrong, because Chanyeol felt nothing.

Maybe perfection is supposed to feel wrong.

Kyungsoo runs away.

He’s supposed to be angry. He’s supposed to be furious.

And he is.

But his heart is also fluttering and his cheeks are reddening and he’s shaking.

He’s angry, furious, betrayed, but he also feels giddy and happy.

He knows every single action Chanyeol does, he does with Baekhyun in his mind. Kyungsoo isn’t someone for Chanyeol to bounce back on, and knowing Chanyeol had taken advantage of him makes him feel so hurt and betrayed and just so goddamn underappreciated, and yet he also can’t help but feel adrenaline rush through his veins from that kiss.

It felt perfect. It felt right.

It gave him sparks.

And he hates it. He hates how good it felt, knowing Chanyeol probably doesn’t feel the same.

That’s why he ran away. He’s afraid of these feelings, afraid of what he’d do.

Because he had been so damn close to giving in. He had been so ing close to letting Chanyeol have his way with him. And that’s not fair to anyone. Not him, not Chanyeol, and not even Baekhyun, wherever he is.

Kyungsoo can only run away like the coward he is. But that’s all he can do.

“Do you know how he is?” Chanyeol asks, suddenly sober after what happened as he stares at the ceiling, lying on his back on the bed.

“Probably hating you right now, because you took advantage of him.” Jungsoo replies. Chanyeol is silent.

“I’m not talking about Kyungsoo.” He says softly. He already feels guilty. He knows the guilt will hit him ten times more intense when he wakes up tomorrow, but he wants to give himself the peace of mind. “I’m talking about him.”

“…Hyung, just forget about him.” Jungsoo says. “Just … forget him.”

“I can’t.” Chanyeol whispers. “Tell me how he’s doing. Is he happy?”

“Seriously, you’re asking such a question?” Chanyeol shuts his mouth. Jungsoo has a point.

“He’s contacting you, right?”

“… Yeah.”

“Can you … if he ever asks about me …” Chanyeol mumbles. “If … if he ever … you know, just in case he cares … Can you tell him I’m happy too?” Jungsoo doesn’t reply.

“Of course he cares.” Jungsoo says softly. “He should care … You were roommates with him for over a year, he has to care. If not lovers anymore, you should at the very least be friends.”

“He stopped talking to me though.” Chanyeol whimpers. “It’s like … he wants to forget me.”

“Hyung –”

“I don’t blame him.” The taller continues, voice soft. “I really don’t. When you love so hard, it’s so hard to get out. When you love, you’re being brave, because you’re giving your heart to someone else. He … he got himself hurt, but he’s still so brave because he’s willing to forgive and forget everything that happened to him. And I … I understand that.” If he were to ever come back to me and change his mind, I’d forgive him in a heartbeat.

“I understand it, so I don’t want him to feel guilty.” Chanyeol whispers. “I just … want him to be happy…” Then he stops talking, voice trailing off into a whisper, and then into nothing.

“Such a bothersome thing.” Jungsoo mutters once he hears Chanyeol’s soft snores filling the air. “It’s such a complicated thing, and it hurts everyone.”   

Jungsoo’s sure that, if there ever comes a day where he doesn’t want to love, it’ll be because of this reason.

Love makes people do crazy things. Love … isn’t worth it.

Update tomorrow and Sunday~