Chapter 22. Jessica : Struggle.

It came as boring routines for me, all my activities while I was confined to my bed. Professional caretakers would come to help Yuri or my mother to move my body every two hours, held me up on the bed or turning me over. They said it was to prevent my blood from clogging in certain points. I just didn't like the fact that even for turning on a bed, at least the help of two people needed.

Then there were sessions with physiotherapist who helped me exercise my muscle; flexing, massaging, and all. She was kind and caring, but the session always felt so long and torturing to me.

I didn't even have to start explaining all the examinations carried out by the doctors and the nurses, did I? All the scans, prodding, and pricking they had done upon my nearly lifeless body.

The highlight of my day was always when Yuri showed up at that door, bearing a wide smile and those twinkles in his eyes. When he brought Jihye with him, the hours couldn't get better. They were the reason I held on. Why there had been no complain came out of my lips so far.

I knew I should be grateful. Not everyone had the luxury of family and friends during such difficult time. Not everyone was free from the financial weight that tagged along these comprehensive treatments. I just wished my progress wasn't this slow. More than one month had passed since I could touch Yuri again yet the only thing that started to function well was my right hand and my speech. I couldn't even clean myself properly.

The fact that I had to rely on other people for human's most basic function was a disgrace for me. I wanted this to end soon. I wanted to wake up and walked outside. I wanted to come to Jihye's room and see what she was doing.

In the middle of the night, when I woke up and no one was around, I would get extremely frustrated of all the limitations. Crazy thoughts would infiltrate my mind and bothered me for hours.

What if this was permanent?

What if Yuri leave me for other woman?

What if Jihye grows up ashamed of her invalid mother?

What if my family giving up on me?

I was nothing but a wilting vegetable on a bed who couldn't even remember the accident that had put me through this. People kept on asking me to be patient but it was a struggle to battle the dragging wait.

“Hi...” Sooyoung poked her face from the door, stopping my train of thoughts. “You wake up?”

“Yeah.” I shifted a little on the pillow.

“I bring you wheat bread pudding.” She laughed at my expression, putting the cardboard box on the table near the bed. “I don't know you hate my food so much.”

“Noooo... I just wish you came bearing bulgogi or Kimchi fried rice.”

She laughed again, opening the box to reveal a cup of pudding. “Have mercy on your still-weak digestive system.”

I opened my mouth as she brought a spoonful close to my lips. “Yuri's not here?”

“At the office. A meeting.” I answered between chews.

“Oh.” Sooyoung seemed to think for a moment before spooning another chunk. “Is the pudding any good? I made this with Areum. The kitchen still resembles sinking titanic as I left.”

“Good. Great even.” I smiled. “How's Areum?”

“Still a hyper. School doesn't do much to her springy personality.” My friend beamed at me.

“And Daeul?”

“Don't ask.” The beam went ten times brighter. “He and his father are on the same team with his sister when it comes to create domestic disaster.”

“Domestic disaster.” Contemplating on current my predicament, I gazed at the ceiling. “I probably won't get a chance to create one with my daughter.”

“Hey...” Putting the cup on the table, Sooyoung squeezed my hands. “Don't say that.”

“You're a doctor, you know the truth better than me.” I blinked back tears. “I can't even move from my bed now. Who can guarantee that I can walk Jihye to school later?”

“But you've made progress too. Spinal cord injury might-”

“Spare me the technical explanation, Soo. The doctors had fed me a lot of that. Look me in the eyes and say that I will get back to what I used to be.”

Sooyoung sighed, putting the spoon down too.

“Yes.” She tilted my chin so now we were face to face. Her eyes fierce, full of determination. “You will get back to what you used to be.”

“Don't lie-”

“I'm not one to lie to my best friend.” She held her gaze on me. “You will become that old Jessica Jung Sooyeon we treasure so much.”

“You will be that fun woman I know, full of passion for her family, friends and for her work.” Sooyoung rested her hand on the cast wrapped up to my knee. “This. This might not disappear soon. But with patience and determination, you'll spring back into your old self.”

“Who care if you have to cook that damn salty fried rice of yours with one hand? Who care if you attend parents-teachers meeting at Jihye's school rolling on a wheelchair? What matter the most is how your presence means to everyone, to the ones who love you the most.”

“I care, Soo.” I had cried so much the past few nights no tears left in my eyes. Just pain slicing through my heart. “I care. I want to be the perfect mother for my daughter, the perfect wife to Yuri. Just like you are perfect for Minho and your children. I can't even clean myself with all these limitations.”

“Then you should learn to change your definition of perfect, chingu-yah.” She held the pudding cup up. “This is a perfect pudding for me. Mushy and a little too sweet, maybe. No bakery will display this on the shelf. No one will buy it for a single dime. But I made it with love and laughter, while having fun with my little girl. This is my definition of perfect. You should try making your own definition too, regarding the shortcomings you might have.”

“Easy for you to say.” I tried to look away, but she held me still by the chin.

“Of course. Words are easy and cheap, Jess. Months of therapy and rehabilitation aren't. Support and love too. Don't let it all go to waste just because you're losing patience.” Sooyoung's smile always seemed to come from the most genuine place in her heart. Albeit a little, it managed to ease my worry. “If you ever for once think to give up. Please look back to your daughter who clearly is too perfect to see you surrender like a total wimp.”

“Now eat, or I make them serve you cucumber porridge next meal time. Imagine. Cucumber and porridge in one sentence.”

I sighed, taking the offered spoonful anyway. “Everything seems so slow, Soo. So boring. I wish I could do something to recover faster. I wish I don't have to stay in this bed for so long.”

“Trauma rehabilitation takes longer for some people. The progress happens step by step.” She squeezed my hand. “I know you probably heard this a thousand times before but being positive helps. For a start, you can smile and thank me for bringing this amazing meal.”

In her signature grin, Sooyoung held up another spoonful.

Eventually, I smiled too.

“That's more like it.”

“You know I can eat on my own right?” I tried to reach for the spoon. “My therapist told me to do things myself as much as I could.”

“Ssssssh. Let me baby you this time, okay? My babies at home are now grown-ups who refuse mommy's help.”

“Make another one then.” I .

“Oh don't you worry about that.” She blinked.

My smile got wider on its own accord.

“Hello...” A voice so familiar greeted me from the door. I didn't need to look up to know who it was.

“Soojungie!”

“Unnie!.” A hesitant but clearly heartfelt hug came next. “Oh Unnie, I'm so happy you wake up.”

It was the common reaction of my friends and family who visited for the first time. All was ha