Play time.

As far as muscles and strength go, I know I can’t compare to Tiffany.  She can easily pin me without much resistance whenever she wants to, and trust me, when this happens there is nothing to be complaining about.  Who alive in this world, man or woman, wouldn’t want to be pinned to a bed underneath Tiffany’s incredible body while she’s wearing her sleeping things?  Skin tight shorts with a matching tank top; it was like a tribute to everything beautiful in the world to trace her curves with my eyes.
 

I provided just the right amount of resistance to keep her interested while she held me down.  She was strong enough to hold me down with both of my wrists in one of her hand and she used her other hand to try and tickle me.  I exaggerated my reactions because I didn’t want her to let go of me.
 

“You aren’t really this weak, are you?” Tiffany asked me, her bottom lip jutting out into a pout.
 

I lifted my head off the bed and leaned into her face, taking her soft protruding lip between my teeth gently, forcing a wide smile to emerge on her features. Her onyx eyes surveyed me before they shut slowly.  She retrieved her lip and turned our wrestling match into a long kiss. 
 

I relaxed, melting against the pillow and closed my eyes as well.  Her grip on my wrist slackened and I pulled my hands free to land on her lower back. 
 

It was funny to think that in just a few hours I would be in a recording studio again.  I felt like I was leading a double life now…
 

When did being a pop star move to the end of my priority list?
 

She pushed herself up with her palms against my stomach without breaking the kiss.  That was when I felt her hips begin to move against mine. 
 

It didn’t take long for the pleasure to build in the pit of my stomach.
 

Everything about Tiffany’s body spoke volumes to me.  The urgent way she was clutching me was contagious.  Her want became my want and my hands slid lower.
 

“You’re… so beautiful.” She broke the kiss long enough to say in a husky sigh.
 

My body jolted when she resumed the kiss.  The sound of her voice, combined with the taste of her lips, the smell of skin, it made my breath hitch. Her soft hair fell into the crook of my neck and tickled me with every pass of friction between our bodies.  The intensity of the kiss woke every inherent desire I was familiar with like only Tiffany knew how. 
 

It had been far too long since she had taken me to my special little world…
 

Our kiss was beyond words… I whimpered softly into as she dug her nails into my stomach with the hand she s up my shirt.  My neck fell backwards and I took a deep ragged breath.  Her lips found the center point of my throat and began . 
 

“Omo.” I got out in a cracked voice.
 

“Mm...” Tiffany hummed against me.  The vibrations coursed through my veins and seemed powerful enough to interrupt my pulse.
 

Her body was like fluid poetry.  It seemed like she could predict my every movement knew exactly what to do with hers to bring me the most pleasure.  When I stretched inward with a gasp, she arched into me, her hips digging into mine, her backside turning into a perfect firm slope that made me want her more. 
 

I d her shamelessly with both hands…
 

I can’t understand why she’s still toying with me.  At this rate, I could very well before she even touches me.  Hadn’t we just been play wrestling only minutes ago?  How could such strong unyielding desire become so powerful in such a small interval?  My only answer was Tiffany. 
 

Just… Tiffany.
 

Finally, she seemed to be getting down to business.  Her hands were jerking at my pajamas, my shirt pulled almost over my head.  When I felt my flannel pants being tugged down, her flat bare abs brushed against mine.  That was it, it was too much.  I inhaled deeply through my dry mouth but when I sighed, an unfamiliar soft mewl accompanied it. 
 

Was that me?
 

My heavy eyelids flew open and I felt immediately frozen of my fever.  Tiffany stalled, a puzzled expression on her face as well.  Her hand was suspended, still gripping the top of my pajama pants. 
 

Staring into her eyes and trying to catch my breath.  Tiffany, who recovered quicker than I did, smirked and found my neck again, evidently calling the random outburst a fluke and disregarding it.
 

Then I heard it again.
 

I gasped.   Tiffany’s head popped up again, this time she was staring at the wall behind us with hanging open.   No, that definitely wasn’t me and it wasn’t Tiffany either. 

It shouldn’t have upset me as much as it did, but all I could feel was outrage.  It seemed so early in their relationship to be hearing this sort of thing coming from their room.  Tiffany just seemed amused by this development, leaning up to press her ear against the wall. 
 

I couldn’t complain with the position, her stomach came to rest against my face, but I pushed her away and sat up to glare at her. 
 

“What?!” She worded.
 

“Why would you want to listen to that?” I whispered.
 

She grinned sheepishly before shrugging.
 

Had Yuri and Jessica’s relationship catapulted to new heights in the last week and I was completely oblivious to it?   Actually, since the incident at the airport I don’t recall speaking to either of them.  Was it my ignorance or was Jessica ignoring me?
 

“Why do you look so angry?” Tiffany whispered.
 

“It’s… It’s disrespectful.” I growled.
 

“Tsch.” She smirked.  “We do it to them all the time, don’t we?”
 

I resumed my glare at her, my mouth opened to answer but I realized I didn’t have one.  I wasn’t able to articulate my anger.  She was right, of course, and that only made things infinitely worse.
 

I thought being forced to listen to this in the safe haven of my bedroom was a great injustice.  But even though I reprimanded Tiffany for doing the same thing, I found myself listening closer.
 

Jessica…
 

To be honest, she didn’t sound much different.  If I wasn’t absolutely certain about the circumstances in the next room over, I might have been able to trick myself into believing that she was just… singing, or something.  Her soft voice seemed to be built in order to convey the thralls of pleasure she was in now.  She sounded muffled, like she was fighting a losing battle just trying to keep quiet.  I imagined her face being held against the mattress and the thought of what I must sound like to them made me so sick to my stomach I got to my feet. 
 

I tugged my disheveled pajamas to fit correctly and made my way across the room.
 

“Where are you going?” Tiffany asked.
 

“Anywhere.” I muttered, pulling the door open.
 

I felt guilty thinking about asking Sunny to switch rooms with me again. 
 

Overall, I just felt uneasy.  Somehow, I’d just translated everything I’d just overheard as a personal attack and I couldn’t figure out why. 
 

Seohyun was silently reading on the couch in the living room, and then I realized I’d never be able to switch rooms.  To live next to her would mean she could hear us, to switch with her would mean she could hear Jessica and Yuri.  To put Seohyun within the proximity of something so impure felt like a crime against humanity. 
 

I was stuck.  Or maybe… it was time to consider getting a separate apartment?
 

I sat beside Seohyun and without a word she rested her head on my shoulder and continued reading.
 

I really envied her innocence sometimes.  I put an arm around her shoulder and rested my head on hers wondering if she could see the dismay on my face.
 

Tiffany walked into the room and I stared in awe at her hair.  It was like I could actually see the place where my hand had been in her hair, gripping it tightly.  Her cheeks were still red and she bit her lip and held my phone up to me.  It was lit up.
 

“Jiwoong.” She said.
 

I held my hand out for it, but she smirked at me an answered it instead.
 

“Yeobosayo.”
 

…
 

Her smile was huge.
 

“No, Oppa, you don’t have the wrong number.”
 

I searched her flush face and felt selfish for the first time.  It took until now to realize that I had literally stormed out right in the middle of a pretty hot session with her over something that didn’t even seem to bother her.
 

I felt… guilty.  But she looked more than happy to be talking to my brother.  It warmed my heart that they were getting along so well together.
 

“One o’clock?” She asked, glancing towards the clock then to me.  I nodded.
 

“Okay Oppa, that sounds good.” She said, grinning.  He was apparently putting her through the ringer.
 

“She’s actually already awake, so you don’t have to worry about that.”  She giggled.
 

I smirked, imagining his snarky comment about me sleeping all day.
 

“Okay, we’ll see you then!”
 

She hung up the phone and looked at me with excitement in her eyes.  She didn’t seem at all as upset about Jessica and Yuri as I was.  Maybe I was blowing it out of proportion? Of course I couldn’t trick myself into believing that while I was still so angry.
 

“He’s bringing lunch.” She said, sitting on the other side of me.
 

Seohyun broke eye contact with her book for the first time to look at Tiffany indignantly.
 

“Don’t worry, I told him to make it light since we’re recording tonight.”  Tiffany said to her.
 

“Ah.” She said, returning to her book.
 

I sighed, leaning the other way onto Tiffany’s shoulder.
 

“I should get dressed.  I don’t want Jiwoong thinking I live in pajamas.” I said.
 

“Are you alright?” She asked, nudging me with her shoulder.
 

I looked at her.
 

Being that she was my fiancé now, I should be able to confide in her about everything, right?  Why did it feel like if I told her about my unexplainable anger that she wouldn’t understand it? 
 

God…
 

My head started hurting. 
 

“Of course.” I said, getting up. “I’ll shower first?”
 

Her eyebrows drew together and I felt dread in my stomach because I knew that she knew that I was keeping something from her.  I didn’t look into her eyes.
 

“.. Sure.” She said.
 

I began walking towards my bedroom when I remembered something and spun on my heels.  I walked down the hall towards Sooyoung’s room and pushed it open. 
 

She was lying on her bed studying the script to her upcoming TV show and looked up at me curiously.
 

“Can we talk?” I asked.
 

She marked her place in the script and sat up, crossing her legs. I sat on Hyoyeon’s bed, trying to think what I should actually say.
 

“So, Jiwoong…” I said finally.
 

Her eyes perked up.
 

“Is he coming back today?”
 

“…Yes.” I said.
 

“Ah.” She grinned. “Jiwoong Oppa’s so handsome.”
 

I stared at her, unblinking.
 

“…So you really are into him?” I asked.
 

“I think it’s a little early to say I’m ‘into him’.” She smirked. “I’m attracted to him, yes.”
 

“Okay… but, this is my brother we’re talking about it’s not some game.  It’s not like, ‘Oh, a cute boy.  I better flirt and act cute and entice him-‘”
 

“Yah.” She interrupted me. “Are you saying you think I’d hurt him or something?”
 

“I didn’t say that.” I said. “Just-“
 

“What then?” She asked defensively.
 

“Well, it’s not like anything can happen so why get his hopes up?” I said.
 

“Why can’t it happen?” She asked.
 

I laughed once out loud. She really didn’t get it.
 

“Oh, gee Sooyoung I don’t know, maybe because you’re a pop star and he’s just a normal guy? You won’t have enough time for him.”
 

“I’ll have time…”
 

“Not enough.” I said.  “My brother deserves the best.”
 

I already felt terrible after the words left my mouth.  Sooyoung’s pretty face fell.  I guiltily got up to sit next to her.
 

“I’m sorry, it’s just… you want the best for your family, right?”
 

“Yeah…” She said softly.
 

…
 

“You know, if we lived normal lives I think you’d be perfect for him.  I’d totally give you my blessing.” I said earnestly.
Her expression grew darker.
 

“Yeah, I hear that a lot.” She muttered.
 

Not knowing what to say and being totally bad at this to begin with, I patted her hand feebly and made my way to her door before she spoke again.
 

“I think your brother is old enough to make his own decisions.” She said.
 

I sighed.
 

My day really wasn’t getting any better.  I was still angry about Jessica, kept something from Tiffany, and now Sooyoung sounded almost confrontational.  I couldn’t afford for things to get any worse.
 

“You’re right.  He can.” I said, shrugging and closing her door.
 

I stomped back through the living room annoyed to another level and didn’t even look at Seohyun or Tiffany when I passed. All I wanted was the shower, my safe haven.  If I washed hard enough, maybe I could start the day over again.  But somebody intercepted me in the hallway.

“Oh, are you taking a shower?  I can wait.” Jessica said, brightly; unusually bright for Jessica at nine o’clock in the morning. 
 

At least she had the decency to brush her hair before coming out of her room…

I just nodded without looking her in the face and closed the door behind me.
 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’m thankful for every moment I get to spend with my family but at the same time having to leave them and not knowing when I’ll be able to see them leaves a void in my stomach and maybe the hardest person for me to leave is my sweet big brother.  
 

That being said, it was easy to just lose myself in singing when the time came later that night.
 

Tiffany, Seohyun and myself were forming a subunit to release a mini album during our short hiatus while the others were pursuing their solo activities.    It was a good way to keep SNSD relevant while all nine of us didn’t have clear schedules to be out promoting together.
 

It was a different sound and since Tiffany Seohyun and myself were amongst the strongest vocally, I really got to exercise my abilities.  It was fun to perform with just them, but it did feel weird at the same time.
 

It wasn’t something I’d want to turn into a permanent arrangement.
 

Before Tiffany and I were to leave to host Music Wave in Bangkok, SM thought it would be important to at least lay down the vocals for the single, “Twinkle”, and get the promotional pictures out of the way.  The singing was the thing I was really looking forward to though.  Getting locked into a recording booth was a good way to channel my uneasiness into an art.
 

It was all I could do to keep from pulling my hair out after I watched Jiwoong and Sooyoung exchange phone numbers before he left after she announced that she needed a new texting partner.  Though from where I was sitting it seemed that he was more or less oblivious to her attraction towards him.  He reminded me of myself, actually.  Maybe it was part of the Kim gene.
 

Unfortunately, it didn’t keep him from seeing right through me.  His parting words consisted only in telling me to get rest and relax, saying that I looked overworked and stressed out.  He hit it right on the button but in order for me to relax it would require changes… changes I couldn’t make just yet.
 

But I did try to relax.
 

I zoned out the small team of hair and makeup artists working on me before the photo shoot with a simple pair of headphones.  I listened to the incomplete recordings of the new songs to look for any input I could give the producers and for a while I did feel relaxed, just being left alone to my thoughts…
 

All was fine, until I opened my eyes.
 

I stared in disbelief at my own reflection in the mirror. The absurd light blue eye shadow and magenta blush made me look so much unlike myself that I truly couldn’t recognize my own face.  I seemed to be covered in a thick white powder.  I pushed my lips together, merely to see if the unnatural color that stained them could even be real.
 

I looked at the nearest stylist with wide eyes and a parted mouth, words failing me.
 

…
 

“… Is-.. Is this a joke?” I stammered.
 

The stylists looked around at her colleagues for help, obviously not wanting to take the bullet.  I pulled my headphones out and waited, staring around at them until another one appeared, carrying the largest most bizarre wig I had ever seen.
 

I felt a pang of horror when I realized that he was standing there with it looking at me because he wanted me to wear it.  I stood up.
 

“Where’s Yongjun?” I asked.
 

Silence.
 

…
 

“…Uhh.  I think I saw him in Seohyun’s dressing room.” One of them said finally.
 

I turned and left down the hall, faintly regretting the fact that I had to be seen like this in public.  I flung the door open two doors down and was brought up short when I saw our sweet maknae sitting in a chair wearing a bright purple wig with yellow eye shadow.  My mouth fell open as the full effect of her outfit crashed over me.  She even had a little doll sitting on her shoulder. 
 

Yongjun looked up at the sound of my entrance and I met his eyes incredulously. 
 

“What?” He asked.
 

What?
 

Really, I couldn’t believe he could look at me in the state I was in and ask ‘what?’ 
 

I sensed movement behind me and found that the man with the wig had followed me, I glared harder at Yongjun.
 

“What… kind of concept is this?” I asked.
 

“Well,” He said.  I knew right off that bat that he could tell I was angry. “It’s supposed to be a funky, futuristic-“
 

“Clowns?” I finished for him. “Funky futuristic circus, and we’re clowns right?”
 

He smirked.
 

“It’s not funny.  Is this supposed to be attractive, Yongjun?”
 

He pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger.
 

“It’s just the promotional pictures, Taeyeon.” He said.
 

“It better be, because I’m not performing like this.” I said, point blank.
 

Seohyun looked at me with hanging open.  On many occasions she’d watched me talk bad about a particular song or concept we were going to do, but she had never seen me flat out refuse to do it.  Her eyes moved to Yongjun’ face, which looked just as perplexed.  If he was going to give me the lecture about how I had signed a contract, he could save it.  I knew they had every right to force me to do practically anything.
 

“Yongjun, call whoever you need to call, tell them that this needs to be toned down or you can find one of the other girls to take my place.” I said confidently, owing to the fact that I already knew none of the other girls were available.
 

“M-Miss Kim.” The man with the wig said tentatively. 
 

I sighed.  The poor guy was just trying to do his job.  I sat in an empty chair and let him put the dreaded thing on me.
 

“I’ll take the pictures, but that’s it.” I said.
 

“That’s all we’re asking you to do.” He said.
 

I sat awkwardly and watched as the wig was put on.  He finished up by sticking gems around my eyes.   I pouted, knowing that if SM had any confidence in this mini album that they wouldn’t be trying so hard to distract the consumers with these over the top pictures.
 

The door opened again and in the mirror’s reflection I saw Tiffany walk in.  Predictably, she was highlighted in an exuberant pink and surprisingly it fit her quite well.  Her eyes went huge when she saw that I closely resembled a mandarin orange now, but she didn’t laugh. Rather; she gave me a sympathetic smile.
 

“At least you look good.” I said.
 

She cupped my face in her hands and smiled down at me;  Her beautiful eye disappearing smile that made me melt despite my disposition, even if I didn’t want to admit it.
 

“I had a feeling you wouldn’t like this.” She said.
 

At least somebody understood.  I suddenly didn’t feel as angry anymore.
 

“Come on.” She said, holding a hand out to me.  I took it and let her help me stand up.
 

She linked arms with me as we walked down the hallway and leaned in to say softly.
 

“The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we’ll be in Bangkok sharing a hotel room alone for two days.”
 

We sat in our places and I let that idea run through my head a bit, resulting in a gigantic smile.
 

Some more time away from the others, that could only help.
 

When we were done with our last minute touchups, the photographer approached us each with a piece of bubblegum.
 

“You guys know how to blow bubbles, right?”
 

I sighed and looked to my side to see that Seohyun was preoccupied with her little doll.

Had it ever really been about the music?

----------------------------------------------------------

I was perfectly lined up and able to look out of the tall window of the suite that overlooks Bangkok’s beautiful lit up skyline.  This must have been my fourth or fifth trip here, how come I had never taken the time to look at it properly before.
 

I feel her cool hands return to the overly soft, freshly showered skin.  I closed my eyes as she slid them up to my shoulders and used them to push herself up to straddle my backside and run her nails up and down my back.
 

I wasn’t sure what I’d done to deserve heaven, but here I was.
 

“Unng.” I groaned. 
 

“Tut-tut, you’re so tense.  I knew you would enjoy this.” She said.
 

Ever since we’d arrived in Bangkok, she had been hinting at giving me a massage; insisting that it would be exactly what I needed.  That I’d feel better after she was done, and I knew she was hinting towards my irritability as of late.
I wanted to say what I was thinking. I wanted to explain to her exactly why I thought I wasn’t good enough for her.  How I wasn’t cut out to be a fiancé like she was.  I didn’t think about the little details, the massages, the roses; every little sweet gesture she would always come up with time after time while I was just… me. 
 

I’d never be good enough
 

“Nickhun says he’ll be supporting our subgroup.” She said lightly, as if in conversation.
 

I winced momentarily.  Why had she brought him up?
 

“Tsch. I bet he did.” I growled.
 

Tiffany chuckled for a long time, her hands still massaging my muscles. 
 

“Have you been reading the internet again, Tae?” She asked.  “Heard of a certain rumored couple? That’s cute and all, but wouldn’t you stop believing such things when I’m… oh I don’t know, massaging your body?”
 

I smirked in spite of myself.
 

“Well, he seemed pretty happy with the rumors.”
 

Nickhun, a member of the group 2pm, is the latest of Tiffany’s rumored boyfriends.  The only reason we were in Bangkok was to host the Korean Music Wave, which we hosted with him. I have no problem hiding my relationship with Tiffany from the public, but having to do it while a man is standing right in front of me blatantly flirting with her.  It was… unpleasant, to say the least. 
 

“I think you more than anyone else in the world would know that those rumors aren’t true, silly.” She said.
 

“Yeah, yeah.  I know.” I said. 
 

But to be fair, I don’t think she saw the way he was looking at her.
 

I felt her hands go limp at the same time I heard her yawn.  Her body crumpled beside me moments later, her hair splaying across her face.  I moved it aside gently with my pinky and found her soft eyes staring into mine.
 

“Is that what’s been bothering you, love?” She asked softly.
 

Today, yes.  It was too difficult to keep things from Tiffany’s understanding eyes.
 

“Eh.” I said, not quite sure what to say.”
 

“Because, before I thought it was something Jessi did but I didn’t want to press it because I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it.” She said.
 

Sneaky Tiffany had essentially just forced an answer out of me without asking a question.  I sighed.
 

She scanned my face, trying to read my thoughts as if I were an open book. 
 

“She did do something.” I said.
 

…
 

“… Or maybe she didn’t.  I don’t know.  I just feel really uneasy about the whole situation.
 

“But why?” Tiffany asked.
 

“Well, she was just in love with me wasn’t she?  And a few weeks pass and she’s already….”
 

“…Already having with Yuri.” Tiffany finished it for me. 
 

I flinched at how bluntly she put it.
 

“But you wanted her to move on.” Tiffany said.
 

“Of course I did.  It was just so fast, wasn’t it?”
 

Tiffany scrutinized me, squinting to see any possible change in my facial expression.
 

“…Taeyeon, are you jealous?”
 

I gasped so hard that I began coughing. Tiffany beat a steady rhythm upon my back until I recovered.  The magnitude of her question shocked me.

“Of… COURSE not!” I said.
 

“Shhh..” She said, rubbing my side, “Don’t get all defensive, you answered without thinking.  Have… you ever actually thought about it?”
 

I stared at her in disbelief.  Was she really trying to initiate a casual conversation about whether or not I was jealous that Jessica is in a relationship?  She could have very well been discussing nail polish color with her outward indifference.
 

How could anyone be so understanding?
 

“H-Have you?” She prompted me again.
 

“No.  Not really.”
 

“Ah.” She nodded. “Maybe you care more about her than you’d like to admit.” She said.
 

“Of course I care about her, she’s… one of my oldest friends.” I said.
 

Was one of my oldest friends, I amended in my head, and then I understood it.
 

“But I don’t think she really considers me a friend anymore.” I said softly. “We don’t… really talk anymore, since… everything.”

Tiffany’s hand was in my hair again.  I closed my eyes to her soothing touch.
 

“That’s a pretty good reason to be upset, Tae.” She chuckled. “Actually, I can’t figure out why you would want to keep that from me.”

“It was just extra stress I would have put on you.” I said. “I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression and think I was harboring feelings for her.”

Tiffany rolled onto her back and stared off in thought, a smile curling her lips.
 

“Even if you were, what could I do about it?”
 

I pulled her arm around me and cuddled into her shoulder, knowing I could never do such a thing to her.
 

“I've put a lot of thought into it and... Well, Do you remember Australia, Tae?”
 

“The good part or the bad part?” I asked.
 

“The bad part.” She said.
 

I nodded. How could I forget the worst day of my life?
 

“Remember what it was like being told you couldn’t see the person you loved?  I think, now that I know what that feels like, if Jessi really meant that much to you, even if you were attracted to her, I couldn’t keep you from seeing her.” She said.
 

As thoughtful as I knew Tiffany to be, this took her selflessness to new heights.  I planted a quick kiss onto her collar bone and held her tighter; my unending infatuation with Tiffany was reaching new heights.
 

“And how could I break up with you over that?  You can’t control who you have feelings for.  Besides, I trust you more than anything in the world and I know when you tell me you love me, you mean it.  If you ever loved anybody else, you wouldn’t love them as much as you love me.” She said.
 

“Ah, but I don’t love anybody else.” I said. “I just… miss her.”
 

“You haven’t really talked to her huh?  If her and I could talk it out and be okay then you two shouldn’t have a problem.” She said.
 

“Well, I think it’s my fault.” I said. “I really put up some walls when she confessed…”
 

“Understandable.” Tiffany mused. “I mean it was awkward, right?”
 

“It was just out of nowhere!” I chuckled. “But I probably could have handled it better.”
 

“Just give her some time.” Tiffany said, before yawning. “I think she just needs to recover, you know? It couldn’t have been easy for her. Yuri’s probably taking her mind off of everything.”
 

I sighed contently, immediately feeling immense relief.  Tiffany had this way of making extremely difficult situations seem like they aren’t that bad.   After a while of just lying there, she rolled over to turn off the lamp and pulled the covers up over us. 
 

She pulled me close into her shoulder and with the arm she had around me, she held my hand.  All I could think about was how perfect she was.  The most perfect girl in the universe belonged to me.  I was going to make her mine forever.
 

“Tipani? I won’t keep anything from you again.” I said.
 

“Good.” She breathed.  “Cause we’re a team.”
 

Even though she was nearly half asleep, she used her fingertips to trace mine.  This small gesture she’d done a hundred times before always made me feel warm inside.  How softly her fingers were grazing mine; how she would trace and retrace every curve as if trying to memorize it.   It was almost compulsive…
 

Her movements grew more and more faint, but she continued until the very moment she fell unconscious.
When she stopped, I just listened to her breathing and thought about what she’d said to me. 
 

Eventually, my heavy eyelids gave way and I felt myself drop out almost immediately. 
 

Strangely I felt complete aware that I was having a dream and even recognized my surroundings.  It was exactly as I remembered it, right down to the salty sea air and the orange tint caused by the huge bonfire on the beach.  I was at the window, leaning against the wall for support.  My body was limp with untold stress and pain.  I could hear Tiffany crying.
 

Much like it was the first time in real life, it caused me too much pain to look at her.  I had to look away.
 

I peered out the window and saw exactly what I knew was supposed to be there.  This image of the girls standing in front of the fire is something I know I’ll always remember.  The intensity of the fire and how still they were… it was like they weren’t even breathing, though I was so far away that it was impossible to know whether that was true or not.  My eyes focused on the one brought to her knees, squinting to try and see which one it was. 
 

Probably Sunny, but I didn’t really care enough to investigate any further. All I knew was the instant I recognized my surroundings, I felt the same feeling of dread I felt the first time I’d lived through it.
 

“Tipani… I’ll never give up on you.  We’ll find a way.”  I said in a cliché dreamlike echo.
 

“I know..”
 

I locked eyes with her but our gaze didn’t last long before Yongjun came back in. 
 

“I’ve prepared your room.” He said to Tiffany.
 

This was one of the hardest parts of the evening, I remembered.  Tiffany sighed very audibly and stood with her bag slung over her shoulder.
 

Before she left, she put a hand on my shoulder and kissed the corner of my mouth.
 

I would never forget how that felt either; Tiffany tears smeared across my cheek… I let them dry there. 
 

I stayed perched at the window for a long time and eventually the other girls started returning to the house, obviously disenchanted with their bonfire.
 

Their diversion gone wrong.
 

The shortest of them began walking first and I noticed the one on her knees remained despite one of the taller girls trying to help her up.    
 

When I heard the sliding door open downstairs, I had the urge to flee.  I didn’t want to see them. I didn’t want to talk to anyone.  Talking about it would achieve nothing.
 

I crossed the room and locked the door quickly, turning and laying on the mattress on top of the comforter.
 

I didn’t need their pity.
 

Predictably, Sunny’s voice came first and insistent as ever, she even tried turning the doorknob against the lock without much success. Her one sided conversation through the door went unanswered.  I just remained blank, staring at the ceiling.
 

A few of the others gave me words of encouragement but didn’t hang around as long.  There was nothing that could be said to make this better and I think they knew that…
 

I waited for the house to grow absolutely silent before I got back to my feet.  I was convinced that this would be the longest night of my life since I knew sleep would never come.  With a quick glance out the window I could see the fire had died down to nothing more than an eerie glow.  It was so dull that I could only just make out the outline of where the wood had been.
 

My eyes became more drawn to the white caps of the wave that were visible even in the darkness.  It called to me, as if I was being summoned.  I needed air.  I needed… something.
 

I managed to open my door soundlessly, stepping lightly as if through a minefield, knowing the slightest creak in the floorboards could get me discovered.  When I got to the ground level my face fell.  The room I assumed Tiffany to be in had to be one of these closed doors. 
 

I had a wild idea about breaking her out and escaping to the beach together, but it was no good.  The doors looked identical and there was no way to tell which one was hers…
 

If I went in the wrong door I’d be in Yongjun’s room and that would likely start another shouting match.
 

Eventually, my eyes went elsewhere… over the dark furniture around the living area… to the bar.  I felt my way over there and grabbed the first bottle my hand came upon, not knowing what it was.
 

It didn’t really matter what it was, just that it served its purpose and suppressed the pain.
 

I snuck out the slider and stepped quickly through the porch and onto the sand.
 

I wasn’t sure what my purpose of being out here was but I knew I couldn’t sit in that room anymore.  It felt like a prison.
 

To think that, just mere hours ago, Tiffany and I were in rapture in this very same water seemed impossible.  The tide has risen so much since the sun had gone down and the entire world had ended since then.  It was as good as a different ocean to me now. 
 

I plopped down on top of the highest sand dune overlooking the sparkling dark water. 
 

It was absolutely freezing outside but I couldn’t feel it.  It was actually somewhat refreshing just to feel my hair get tossed around by the wind, but apart from that my body was too numb to discern cool from cold.  My heart was already on ice, it didn’t matter.
 

I glanced down at the bottle in my hands and was now able to read the black and white label properly… well almost.  “Jack Daniel’s.”
 

I unscrewed the square bottle and recoiled at how strong it smelled.
 

“Wow, Taeyeon-ah, are you going to share that?”
 

Jessica’s voice… I turned.
 

“D-Did you follow me out here?” I asked in a choked voice full of accusation. “Listen, I don’t really want to talk about it.”
 

“No.  I was out here first.” Jessica said, pointing to the remains of the fire. “We don’t have to talk.”
 

I examined the pile of ashes, wondering how I could have just walked right by without even seeing her.
 

“I highly doubt you’ll be able to drink that straight.” She said, pointing my direction back to the bottle.
 

“What is it?” I asked, happy to be diverted off the obvious topic.
 

“It’s rum, nothing like Soju.  Very strong.” She said.
 

Rum… No I don’t ever remember trying rum before.  I didn’t drink often and when I did Soju was my drink of choice… But hey, if it was good enough for pirates, it was good enough for me.
 

I had a huge wave of déjà vu then and a small part of my subconscious became aware that I was dreaming.  It puzzled me, usually my dreams were so bizarre that they didn’t make sense.  Everything up to this point seemed to be just a recollection of the past.  Every single detail seemed to correlate with my memory perfectly…

I remembered the Jack Daniel’s conversation with Jessica.
 

“I bet I could drink it straight no problem.” I said, knowing that physical abuse to my body would be nothing in comparison to the internal injuries I’d already suffered tonight.
 

She raised her eyebrows as if to say ‘Go on then’ and then I brought the bottle to my lips.
 

… It was horrendous.
 

It took me many seconds just to swallow the foul liquid.  Jessica watched me, giggling at the facial expressions I was making. 
 

“Agh.  Yuck.” I said, wiping my mouth.
 

Jessica took the bottle from me and took a swig herself.  She didn’t wretch half as much as I did.
 

“Well it gets the job done at least.” She said.
 

I had to agree with that.  I could feel the exact trail of it running through my body where the rum was burning its path through my organs.  Wherever it passed, it left me with a warm numb feeling that felt good in comparison to the despair I had deep within me.
 

I was going to need more rum.
 

“You’re supposed to put this in something.  Coke, or juice or something.” Jessica explained, her face warped with the last of the taste of the rum before handing me the bottle back.
 

I was just grateful she wasn’t asking me a hundred questions about what happened with Yongjun.
 

Actually, she didn’t seem to want anything.  She just seemed to be here keeping company and it wasn’t hard to share silence with her.
 

We passed the bottle back and for the a few more times before I pushed it into the sand to rest and leaned back on my palms.
 

“You can say whatever you want about what happened here, but this is such a beautiful country.” She said finally.
She was right.
 

“I don’t think I’ll ever want to come back.” I said.
 

“I don’t blame you.” She said.
 

I stared at the water, so thankful that the alcohol was finally reaching my brain and making it feel numb.  I was nowhere near being drunk, but anything that could make me think a little less was welcome.
 

“You fell in love with her so quickly.” She said.
 

I winced.  The talk had begun.  I just nodded.
 

“It surprised me… I thought you two would get along together but I had no idea it would be so intense so quickly.” She said.
 

Why was she forcing this subject?  It had to be obvious just by my facial expression that I didn’t want to talk about this.
 

“What’s it like? Falling in love?” She asked, softly.
 

“I don’t know how to describe it.” I said.
 

She nudged me.
 

“Try?”
 

“Mm…” I sat there thinking for a while. “It just completes you. I mean everyone has questions… like why am I here?  What’s the meaning of life?.. it answers those questions… It gives you a higher purpose.”
 

Tiffany was my higher purpose now.
 

She hung on my every word, resting her hand on her chin. “That sounds so romantic.”
 

“It is.” I nodded.
 

At least I thought I had all those answers earlier today, but now everything is up in the air.  My eyes started to sting and I turned my head away from Jessica.
 

…
 

“Aren’t you cold?” She asked.
 

I shook my head stiffly.
 

She rubbed my shoulder anyway, using friction to try and warm me; either that or she knew I was getting emotional.
Her hand slid down my shoulder to my arm where she took my hand.  I looked back into her face and it wasn’t pity I found there, but support.  It was exactly what I needed to see.
 

“Eesh, come here.” She said, pulling me close and pushing the moisture away from my eyes.
 

I worked hard to stop crying.
 

“Are you tired?” She asked.

I knew how much Jessica loved sleep...
 

“Go ahead, don’t let me keep you up.” I said.
 

She laughed.
 

“I’m not leaving you in front of a large body of water with a huge bottle of liquor, Taeyeon-ah, that has disaster written all over it.” She smiled.
 

I grinned back at her.
 

She stood up and held a hand out to me.  I took it and we walked back, laughing at our failed senses when we stumbled.
 

She had to do her best to keep me quiet as we made our way back upstairs.  I had this stupid grin on my face that I knew I shouldn’t have been wearing, but it all faded when she led me into my room. 
 

I stared at how empty it was.  Tiffany wasn’t waiting in my bed and almost in the same breath from my last laugh, I started crying.
 

“Omo, shhhh..” Jessica said, hugging me again.  I couldn't stop this time.
 

In a last stitch effort, she tried tucking me in.  She rubbed my forehead and moved my hair out of my eyes. And it all made it worse.  She was doing everything that I knew Tiffany would be doing for me if she was here.
 

“You’ll see her tomorrow, Taeng…” She said softly.
 

It would never be the same. 
 

If Jessica left me now, I knew I’d end up back out on the beach in no time flat.
 

She stood up straight, as if she was going to leave and I grabbed her wrist.
 

“Sica…”
 

…
 

“…Stay.” I said.
 

Our eyes locked. 
 

“Please.”
 

Jessica… took a long time thinking about my request before she said, “Move over.”, and climbed in beside me.
 

She was studying me… her eyes wide with wonder while she traced her fingers over my face.  I opened an eye and looked back into hers and she used a thumb to wipe some more excess moisture away from my eyes. 
 

was a flat line and I studied her unique, pretty face as well… the sliver of my awareness only barely registering how this might be wrong.
 

She smelled and felt different than Tiffany, but I needed her tonight…
 

And it felt… nice…
 

“No more crying…” Jessica said softly. “Rest…”
 

She kissed my cheek which gave me another wave of deja vu.  That was something she used to do so often.
 

There was a familiar look to Jessica’s eyes now, that was different than how she looked at me at the beginning of the night. 
 

She looked like she was truly seeing me for the first time.
 

Enraptured…
 

Then I felt it, with the most precise movements, Jessica was tracing my hand with hers…
 

…
 

I sat up abruptly drenched in sweat.
 

“Tae…?” Tiffany said in a cracked voice.
 

I looked sideways at her and she was yawning again.
 

“Tae?  Did you have a bad dream?” She asked when she was done, pulling me back to lay down again and cuddling up to me.
 

“…something like that.” I said.
 

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked softly.
 

I was so blown away with how vivid that dream was.
 

I had repressed that night so hard that I couldn't remember what parts were real and what parts were fiction...  I started panicking. How could I explain this to Tiffany?
 

My mouth was completely dry. I swallowed hard and turned my eyes to look at her...
 

...but she had already fallen asleep.