“And then…!”

I pressed my forehead against the glass and stared blankly at the New York skyline from our suite.  Yuri had been talking for the last 10 minutes at least without taking a breath.  If someone had told me four months ago that anyone in their right mind would be coming to me for girl advice, I would have laughed in their face. 

I glanced sideways at Yuri, warily, while she talked animatedly, seeming to not even realize I wasn’t paying very good attention to her.  Suddenly, she stopped talking and stared at me with anticipation.  I blinked, having missed completely what she just asked.

“So… that’s good right?” Yuri repeated slowly. “She said she liked my shirt.”

“That’s… great Yuri.” I patted her shoulder.  She beamed, looking so pleased with herself. 

I didn’t want to tell her how inconsequential that sounded.  So what if Jessica liked her shirt?  That didn’t actually mean anything and I was at least 90% sure Jessica still had no idea Yuri had feelings for her.  As much as I wanted to help her it felt like such a lost cause.  Yuri was certain the best approach was to just be there and wait for Jessica to fall in love with her.

It irritated me.  Not be selfish but I had some very valid reasons for wanting them to get together.

“And!” Yuri pointed a finger in the air. “She’s downstairs right now getting me coffee.”

She could barely contain her excitement.

I glanced to Sooyoung who was very adamantly looking away.  I sighed, it looked like I was on my own for this.

“Yuri-ah…” I started softly. She looked at me and smiled.

“Um… Sica is a very pretty girl isn’t she?” I asked.

Yuri’s smile stretched further.

“Have you um... thought about what you’d do if somebody else asks her out?”

Her face fell. “Who wants to ask her out?”

“Well, she’s… very popular right now.” I said, unable to look her in the eye.

I felt Sooyoung stir beside me.

“Very popular.” She echoed.

“…So, you should probably say something to her.” I said, nodding stiffly.

“Yeah…” Yuri said vaguely.

I sighed and collapsed onto the couch besides Sooyoung.  It appeared our words of wisdom just glinted off of Yuri’s forehead.  She looked thoughtful, but I didn’t think she had the courage to go through with it. 

Sooyoung nudged me and encouraged me to keep going. I shrugged at her. I really didn’t want to be in the middle of this, I could hardly see how it was any of my business, but everyone seemed to be throwing me front and center.  I was exhausted as it was and I didn’t want to deal with it.

“… If you don’t, somebody else might snatch her up.” I said, dully.

“What should I do?” Yuri asked, eyebrows drawn together.  I rubbed my eyes, letting my head roll back.  I’ve already had this very conversation with her a hundred times already, at least.

Sooyoung snapped her fingers.  “Valentine’s day is just around the corner.”

I felt pressure on my chest immediately.  How could I have not realized…

“Maybe you can do a secret admirer thing or we can set you up on a blind date.” Sooyoung smirked.

“That’s so cheesy.” Yuri said, mouth hanging open.

“It’s cute.” Sooyoung rose an eyebrow, looking affronted.

For all intensive purposes, I’d all but checked out at this point.  I had about two weeks to prepare a Valentine’s Day for Tiffany and had absolutely no idea where to begin.  I’ve never actually… celebrated the holiday properly with anyone before. 

“We can just say we set her up with someone and have you show up.  That wouldn’t be bad right?”

Sooyoung and Yuri were in a staring match.  I stood up and went to go to my room, but I almost ran into Yongjun in the hallway.  He grabbed my hand.

“Guess what?” He asked, grinning. “Sit down.”

He directed me right back to the couch I was just evacuated. Sooyoung snorted at my failed escape plan.

“Guess who I just got off the phone with.” He said.

He grinned trying to build up anticipation.  Yongjun had a boyish charm to him when he got excited. 

“MBC.”

“…And?” My voice shook a little.  They wouldn’t have possibly given me….

“You’re in.” He laughed. “You, and Seohyun.” 

“What about Tipani?” Yuri asked, shocked.

“She’s staying as well.” He said.

“Three of them?” Sooyoung gawked.

“Wait.  Out of SNSD , the three members they chose to host Music Core was Tiffany, Seohyun and myself?” I asked, completely disbelieving.  I actually laughed.  MBC must be Taeny shippers.

“No no, I’m being completely serious.” He stared at me. “You start next week.”

Seohyun was standing in the entrance hall with wide eyes.

“The Kim family.” Yuri laughed. “Oh, that’s too good. I’m glad you guys got the part.”

“Congratulations.” Yongjun smiled.

I nodded, still not quite sure if this was all an elaborate prank.  Music Core had always been Tiffany and Yuri’s thing, but with Yuri filming her drama she had to step down.  To take her spot, to know that I now have another job, apart from being a SNSD member with Tiffany was glorious.  I couldn’t wait to tell her.

Seohyun sat beside me looking absolutely stunned. I put an arm around her and quirked my eyebrows excitedly. She smiled sheepishly.

I thought I recognized anxiety on her blank face though it was very difficult to tell.

“MC Taenyhyun.” Sooyoung beamed.

“You have to be on your best behavior.” Yongjun said.

“Yes, yes.  Of course, I know.” I waved him off.  He chuckled.

I couldn’t stop smiling to myself while I let the news sink in.  Yongjun left and the four of us were still congregated in the living area. 

“… I don’t think you should trick her into going out with me.” Yuri broke the silence.

I sunk back into the couch.  It didn’t take long to get back to this.  I would have to push Sunny in the right direction.  I didn’t know how much longer I could take having a shadow that was taller than me.  I was at the point where I wasn’t even opposed to telling Jessica myself. 

“Just… relax.” I said up to her. “It’ll work out.”

The front door opened, and without knowing it, Tiffany and a security guard walked in to rescue me from an awkward situation, yet again. I crossed the room to her quickly and took the coffee from her that she had brought me.

“How is it down there?”  I asked, before hugging her.

“Busy, lots of fans.” She smiled.

“Where’s Sica?” Yuri asked, looking around.

“Oh.  There’s this restaurant downstairs we want to eat at.  She’s getting a table, do you guys want to come?” She asked.

“But... you just said there’s a ton of people down there.” I said.

“It’ll be fine. We’ve got so much security.” She said.

I turned around to see if the others were interested and noticed that Yuri was wearing an expression like somebody just stepped on her sand castle.

“Sica was supposed to get me coffee, too.” She said softly.

“Really? She only bought one.” Tiffany said, but when she saw Yuri’s face, she changed her tone entirely. “But... that’s not a big deal, people forget.  Things happen.”

There was an awkward pause.  Sooyoung was pulling a jacket on.  I started slipping into my shoes.

“Taeyeon was supposed to take me on a date when she got back from Japan and she forgot.” Tiffany continued. I turned abruptly.

“Oh come on! We’ve been so busy!” I winced. “When we get time, I will take you out.”

“I’m just messing with you.” She chuckled.

“Oh, guess what?” I grinned at her. “We found out who your co-host is on Music Core.”

“Oh?” She asked.

“Seohyun here.” I pointed at the maknae.

“Excellent!” Tiffany clapped her hands and smiled.

“…and me.” I said, pompously.

“…What? Both of you?” She asked.

I nodded.  She burst out laughing.

“Unbelievable.” She said.

We laughed the entire way to the elevator.  Our fans should know by now that we don’t really have any control over what shows we happen to host or dramas that we happen to get casted in, but… something about this decision looked really obvious on MBC’s part.  I thought perhaps they were trying to borrow our thunder, if you will. 

The ‘Kim Family’ already had a fan base.  Surely, their ratings would rise a little from our permanent addition.

I bet all over the world, simultaneously, the locksmiths head’s would be exploding when this news got out.

“I don’t get why you guys want to go down here.” Yuri said from the corner of the elevator. “Are we going to get mobbed?”

”I’m starving and they’re harmless.” Tiffany turned to her. “They might just say hello.”

Tiffany reached into her purse and pulled out two pairs of sunglasses, handing me one.

I slipped them on and took a deep breath before stepping out of the elevator. Unexpectedly, Tiffany took my hand, showing no shame, and led me through the lobby.

She was right, they were harmless, but it just seemed so foreign to hear “I love you Taeyeon!” in English instead of Korean.  It was something I really thought I’d never get used to…

I tried to be gracious; I said “Hello”, bowed, and continued walking.  I could heard things like “beautiful” and “oh my god” and I heard a few talking about “Taeny”, they were the only words I could actually pick out and understand.  I smiled and felt so thankful and blown away that so many here recognized us. 

“They like you.” Tiffany leaned in to whisper to me.

“They must be been talking about you.” I smirked.

She led us into the open restaurant and I could see Sunny and Jessica sitting at a large booth. I sat next to Sunny and scooted in so Tiffany could sit.  Sooyoung, Yuri and Seohyun slid in on Jessica’s side.   

I noticed immediately that Jessica’s eyes were unfocused, even by her standards. Her face was sort of frozen in place.  I glanced sideways to Sunny inquisitively and she nodded to me without speaking.

Finally!

“What do you want to eat?” Tiffany asked me, opening a menu in front of me.  I tore my eyes from Jessica to look back at her.

“Um…” I stared at the foreign menu.  All I saw in the pictures were hamburgers and large pieces of meat. It all looked rather bland…

“Cheeseburger.” I muttered.

“Drink?”

I stared blankly at the menu. 

“…Water.”

She patted me on the head and closed the menu, smirking.  “…You might like it.”

I doubted I could get used to eating like this.

I beckoned her closer and leaned into her ear, breathing. “Sunny just told Jessica.”

“I know.” She said, pulling the napkin free from her utensils and spreading it across her lap.

Jessica was going over the menu similarly with Yuri, but she seemed to be paying more attention to Yuri’s face than what Yuri was saying.  If I had to judge, I’d say she almost looked somewhat uncomfortable.  Whatever that expression was, I didn’t think it was ‘happy’ or ‘excited’ or even ‘surprised’.

Jessica cleared and let her eyes fall to the menu, before looking up to catch me staring at her.  I looked away quickly.

I could see several men stationed throughout the general area dressed in all black and knew they were security.  This small section of the restaurant was pretty much sectioned off for us from the general public, though I could see people watching us. 

“Don’t let them distract you.” Tiffany smiled softly at me.

“It’s kind of fascinating.” I said, staring at the mix of people, waving periodically.

The waitress came back to our table and I was glad to see I wasn’t the only one merely picking at my food.  Everyone was pretty nervous, I knew, for our American debut.  Food would be something I could enjoy properly after we got through Letterman and Kelly in one piece.  I took one bite of my cheeseburger and was indeed correct about the blandness. 

“I wish we could leave the hotel.” Tiffany lamented, stealing fries off my plate.

“Yeah, well I don’t really blame them for keeping us here.  We’d cause mayhem if we tried to walk out the door.” Yuri said, looking towards the mass of people.

“But there’s so much to do in New York.” Tiffany pouted. “Oh, excuse me?”

Tiffany saw the waitress walk by and got up to ask her something.  I stared at my plate knowing I didn’t want to eat anymore.  It looked untouched.

“You okay, kid?” Sooyoung asked me.

“Fine.” I said. “A little jet lagged, I think.”

Jessica was staring at me again, a familiar blank gaze.  My stomach dropped.

“Are you not hungry?” Tiffany asked me, sliding back into the booth.

“I uhh…” I glanced down at the food again feeling bad.  This was the type of meal I knew Tiffany wanted all the time.  I guess… it’s just not for everyone. 

“I understand.” She nodded and continued eating off my plate.

Yuri was talking to Seohyun about Mucore and it was the main attention grabber at the table.  I took this time to nudge Tiffany.

“… So, Valentine’s day-“ I said, and with that, Tiffany had a finger to my lips.

“Don’t even think about it.” She said.

I blinked at her, confused.

“Valentine’s day is mine.” She said.  “You got Christmas.”

“How did I get Christmas!?” I gawped at her. 

I would hardly say my gifts and actions on Christmas could possibly be deemed more… memorable than what she gave me.

“You were really sweet.  It’s my turn to be cute.”

I sighed, resigned.  I could see I wouldn’t be able to talk her out of this.  I don’t know why, but ever since the beginning I considered myself the traditional one.  I liked the role and I actually considered myself good at it.

She stared me down until I agreed.

“Let’s watch the lip touching in public, yes?” I said, smirking. 

“Omo, I forgot.” She grinned.

I shook my head, getting caught in another futile staring match with her.  All of us were exhausted, fourteen hours on a plane would do that to anyone, but Tiffany was running on pure adrenaline.  She, more than anyone else, even Jessica, has been waiting for an American debut ever since she arrived in Korea.  In her eyes, I knew she could feel it.  It was within reach, finally.  She was so excited she didn’t have time to be scared, or tired.

A gigantic bowl of ice cream appeared in front of me.  I stared at it, nonplussed.

“Oooh.” I heard go throughout the table. 

I looked at Tiffany who immediately looked guilty.

“Well, you have to eat something and this is a celebratory.” She said, passing out spoons around the table.

“Celebratory?”

“Uhh Music Core? And you have to eat some, too!” She pointed severely at Seohyun.

“Oh.” I said.

Duh.

To call Tiffany excited would be an understatement.  I stared in disbelief as I watched her perched on the very edge of the end of the bed in our hotel bedroom, singing along with us on the television.  This was now the third time in a row we’ve replayed the performance.  It was nearly 1:00am…

“Fany-ah…” I interjected, rising and putting my hands on her shoulders.

“Baby, we’re on Letterman!  The camera man screwed it all up but I don’t even care!” She shouted.  Surely, she’d just woken up the entire suite.

“Shh… sweetie we got an early day tomorrow.” I whispered.

She walked to the window.

“Tae… Look at this city, it never sleeps.”

“I’m sorry.” She said.  “It’s just… I mean you remember the first time you were on TV in Korea?  Didn’t you feel like you really made it?” She turned and asked me. 

I sat against the ledge by the window and looked into her face, understanding that feeling all too well.

“This... is like that feeling but for me.  Even before we had a name I’ve wanted this … We’re on TV in America. And not just on TV, we were the musical guest for David Letterman.” She breathed.

“Yes.” I said, smiling, “But if you want to be awake for our morning debut tomorrow you’re going to have to get some rest.”

“I know, but…” She looked down at her phone. “It won’t even air in California for another hour and a half. My dad… I’m sure he’ll call…”

“Then take it when he calls.” I said, taking her hand.

She gazed out the window longingly.

“Don’t you want to be out there, walking around?” She pointed down to the streets below.  I could still see a significant amount of people out, even at this hour. 

“I…”  I didn’t know.  Would it be exciting? Sure.  But… it was intimidating.  It was different for Tiffany, because at least if she got lost she would be able to communicate with people and get help.  I’d be in so much trouble if I got lost in this huge place.

“Yeah.” I said to appease her. “I’m sure when we get some free time we can go somew-”

“Do you know another beautiful thing about New York, Tae?”  She interrupted me.  A small smile crept upon her face.

“What?”

“In New York,” She continued, “It’s legal for same couples to get married.”

When she said this, it was like I forgot the rhythm of my breathing.  I tried to inhale twice in a row and nearly choked. I fought hard to maintain my composure but I could see in a small flicker in her face that she noticed.  She glanced down to where I was holding her hand and only then did I realize that I was now clutching it tightly.

What the heck did she mean by bringing that up?  Exactly what point was she trying to get across here?

“It’s romantic, isn’t it?” She asked. “People come here from all over the country to vow their life to the person they love.”

“Yeah, very romantic.” I said, shakily. “But when they go home, it doesn’t hold legal status there, right?”

“Right.” She nodded, “But… it’s nice to know that there are places in the world where your love can be recognized by the state.  Even if it’s just a piece of paper, it’s something I’d still like to do.”

She stepped closer to me and took my other hand, pulling them both around the back of her neck and resting her forehead against mine. This was another one of those moments where I could only look into eyes and wonder about the secrets she held within them.  I wanted so dearly to know what she was thinking.  It seemed like the cityscape enhanced her mysterious features in a dull light, as if the city itself somehow knew of my plight and frustration and was working against me…

A living breathing monster, New York.  My first impression had been correct.

“What are you thinking about, Tae?” Tiffany asked me.

“You first.” I insisted, poking her in the collar.

 She smiled broadly.

“Calm down.”  She kissed my forehead.

My lip curled.  She always knew when my mood was elevated.

“I’m just thinking ahead.” She murmured.

I rubbed her abdomens affectionately and smiled.  ‘Thinking ahead’ was becoming something I caught both of us doing more frequently.  I have no idea how quickly a relationship is supposed to grow  but I knew for a fact that a normal couple wouldn’t be bringing up marriage after dating for four months.  But I also had to take into considering how long I’ve known her and how long she’s been such an important part of my life…

It didn’t feel like four months at this point.  Seven years and some months. 

It adds on, right? It must…

The part the actually scares me is that I know if Tiffany, right now, in all seriousness said ‘let’s call a cab, go to the courthouse and get married’, I… couldn’t see myself turning her down, as absurd as it was.

I was picturing her in a white dress walking down the aisle towards me. 

I wondered if her father would give her away…

I wondered if mine would give me away…

“I think I’m calm enough to sleep now.” She sighed.

“Alright.  I’m going to get some water and I’ll join you.” I said.

She kissed me sweetly on the corner of my mouth and touched my chin.  “Don’t be long.”

I floated down the hallway in a state of contentment knowing there were still several hours until sleep seeing as Tiffany was obviously in a cuddly mood.  I went into the furnished kitchen and went through five cabinets before I found the glasses and got myself some water from the fridge.

As I was pouring it, two rogue arms came around me and a head landed on me shoulder.  I grinned.

“You couldn’t wait for me?” I asked, leaning back into her arms.

I was instantly let go.

I turned around sipping my water and found Jessica backing away from me, looking horrified.  I inhaled half of my water then and, in a spectacular display of human anatomy, most of it came shooting out of my nose. 

I hung my head over the sink and grabbed towel to clean myself.

“I’m so sorry, I should have said something.” She whispered.

“…Yes, you should have.” I said, turning back around.  I could still feel some water in my nasal cavity.

I sighed, Jessica looked wounded. She let go immediately so it obviously wasn’t on purpose.  I reigned in my indignation.

“What are you doing up?” I asked, refilling my water.

“I heard someone in the kitchen.” She said in a small voice.

“Yeah, that was me.” I said, staring at her suspiciously.

“I need to talk to someone.” She said.

“What is it?” I asked.

She stared down at her hands solemnly.

“…Yuri kissed me.”

“…But that’s great!” I smiled. I didn’t think Yuri had it in her.

Jessica pulled me into a tight hug, and the pit in my stomach from earlier returned. I left my arms at my sides.

“I don’t know what to do.” She said.

“This is exactly what you wanted.” I said, staring at the wall. “Someone you’ve known a long time that you get along with.  You just need to use some time to think about it, you need to let it set in-“

“I knew all along.” Jessica sighed.

I closed my eyes. 

Oh hell…

“Is it right to go out with someone if you know you’re attracted to someone else?” She whispered.

“Oh, no no.  We talked about this. We left this behind us.” I backed out of her arms.  “Sica, you know I love Tipani-“

She narrowed her eyes.

“Do you think I can just turn attraction off and on like a light switch, Taeyeon?”

“You don’t have a choice!” I pointed at her. “Nothing will ever happen here.” I gestured to myself.

I brought my hand to my face immediately seeing her face fall.  I didn’t like having to walk the line between being blunt and being mean.

“What’s wrong with Yuri?” I asked in a calmer voice.

“Nothing.  Nothing at all, she’s great…”

“Well if you sit around and wait for something that isn’t going to happen, you’re going to lose her too.  Not to mention, if Tiffany finds out she’s going to lose it.”

“I know.” She said. “But what if Yuri and I did get together and had a really bad breakup and it affected SNSD?”

I blinked at her.  A break up and it’s immediate fallout was something I never even considered possible between me and Tiffany.  I wondered if that was irresponsible of me.

“And what if she’s the love of your life and you miss out on it?” I asked, anyway. “You can’t what if, it doesn’t get you anywhere.”

flat lined.  I tried so hard to look into her face, to figure out why she was so attached to me.  Jessica and I have been friends a long time but we never had the intense connection I have with Tiffany.  She is a pretty girl, don’t get me wrong.  If Tiffany and I had never met, maybe I could consider Jessica.  I just couldn’t imagine the relationship going as great as the one I have with Tiffany.  After the physical attraction and friendship, I wasn’t sure there was much else there.

 “Okay, Jessica, just give her a try. Enjoy yourself, be happy. Remember you’re still young.  Dating…” I closed my eyes. Why wasI giving dating advice? “… is something you’re supposed to enjoy.  Yuri is absolutely crazy about you.”

“Is she?” She asked.

“Yes, she’s fully insane.  Just take care of each other.” I sighed. “I’m going to bed.”

She got along so much better with Yuri, she had wake up and realize that.  Come hell or high water, Jessica is going to date Yuri, and forget all about me, whether she wants to or not.

I’ll see to it.

I was happy to see Tiffany was still awake waiting for me.  She tilted her head as I entered the room.

“What kept you?” She asked.

“Jessica.” I said, collapsing onto the bed.

“…Why?” An unmistakable edge returned to Tiffany’s voice.  I smirked.

“Yuri finally kissed her and now she’s having a mental breakdown.” I said.

“What? She doesn’t like Yuri?”

“She doesn’t know it yet.  I’m sure they’ll be fine.” I muttered.

I experimented with my hair, pulling up to hang loosely around my face before I decided it went best with the red dress I was wearing. 

Our manager informed us earlier in the day that SM was “rewarding” us by allowing us to go “clubbing”.

“Tae.” Tiffany husky chuckled entered the room.

She came up behind me and pulled the entire backside of my dress free that was tucked inside my underwear.  That would have been a serious headline had I gone out like that. Typical of myself, I thought.  What would I do without Tiffany?

“I don’t really want to do this.” I said when I finished laughing.

“It won’t be bad. I’ll take care of you.” She smiled.

I put the terms “clubbing” and “reward” in quotes because usually anytime we’re rewarded, with the exception of Australia, it’s usually work related.  If we were really allowed to go to a nightclub in NYC to party, they wouldn’t cart us around in a big bus with our name on it to stir curiosity amongst the public. Obviously, we were out to promote our album and we were to be on our best behavior.

Clubbing really isn’t my cup of tea, but if I’m going to do it I’d much rather be able to do it on my own terms.  New York would have been the perfect place where we could have gone out and not been recognized but even as we entered the club the MC announced us to a group of people that didn’t know who we were. 

We were sectioned off by our security most of the night and I found it incredibly awkward at first. A lot of people couldn’t seem to figure out why were there.  I couldn’t either.

Back to back performances, interviews, fan meets, all on top of jetlag; I would have much rather been in bed.

But as the night went on I started enjoying myself.  We did the best we could with all the rules we had and I was glad to have friends like Hyoyeon and Sooyoung that couldn’t inhibit themselves while they were dancing even if they wanted to. 

I remained glued to Tiffany the entire night.  As much as I hated to admit it, it was fun to dance with her with no other reason than to just dance, though there were several times where I caught myself getting into it a little too intimately with her in public.

“There are so many good looking men here.” Sooyoung said, looking around happily. I smirked after her as she went to try and dance with the MC.  I saw Yuri dancing awkwardly by herself and I immediately flared up.

Missing in action tonight, was Jessica, who managed to get out of coming to this event altogether.  Not only was it totally unfair to Yuri, but I didn’t want to come either.  I don’t see how she got to stay home when I had to come. 

I could have strangled her.

“Uh oh, we’ve got trouble.” I heard Sunny say on the other side of me.

A man was approaching Seohyun, trying to dance with her.  I immediately sprung into action, furious that security had missed this.

“Do you want to dance with this guy?” I danced up behind her and spoke into her ear.

“Ah... Uhh.  No.” She said, slightly turning her head to me.

“What’s your name?” I heard him ask her.

I began pulling her backwards towards the others, and for a moment it looked like he was going to follow us, but security intervened then and forced the guy away.  Seohyun turned around and stared at me as if she’d just witnessed a car crash.

“Stay with us.” I yelled over the music.

Ironic, that this would happen to Seohyun out of all people, but I felt bad for the guy as well.  He just came to a club to do what people at clubs are supposed to do. Dance, mingle, be social… He didn’t do anything wrong, and he wasn’t being disrespectful towards her, that I’d seen.

I felt more out of place than ever, and pulled Seohyun to sit beside me in the corner. 

“Thank you, Unnie.” She said in a small voice I could barely hear.

Tiffany sat on my lap and looked at me with wide eyes.  I knew she could tell I was fuming.

“Can we leave yet?” I asked her.

“I’ll ask.” Sunny answered, before disappearing to search for our manager.

This whole night was a bust right from the very beginning.  These people we came to promote to didn’t know us before and still don’t know us.  The loud music and flashing lights were giving me a headache and now we were making normal citizens feel like criminals for even trying to treat us like normal people.  I thought rather than making us more likable, this might have had the opposite effect.