In Dreams and Fantasies
Risk Vs Reward
“Hello. I’m SNSD’s Kid leader, Taeyeon.” I bowed respectfully before waving.
Somebody next to me shoved me when I straightened up.
“No, stop it.” I mumbled.
“She’s talking again.”
Someone chuckled.
I barely registered her comment before leaning back into the warmth and dropping out once more.
This was the last time we’d get to practice before our debut. I knew it was important. My nerves were getting the best of me.
When the music started, I completely forgot all of the choreography. Not only that, but the lyrics had vanished from my brain as well. Time after time we had to stop and with every failure the girls started looking more and more frustrated with me. I looked at them each apologetically, not knowing what to say.
“What’s the problem here?” Yongjun asked, crossing his arms.
I became absolutely fixated on the glasses that he was wearing. I stared at him disbelieving unable to figure out why in the hell he’d be wearing pink frames. I looked towards the others trying to get a reaction of them or at least make them notice, but they were all just staring at me. The oddest thing was they all looked way younger than me. I could see I was still an adult by the reflection in the mirror, but these girls… they looked as they did the first day I met them.
When I looked back to Yongjun, there were now rhinestones bedazzling his hot pink glasses. My jaw dropped.
“Are you listening to me?” He said, sternly.
“Uh. Yeah.” I said, pursing my lips. The serious, usually threatening look on his face made it ten times harder for me not to just burst out laughing.
Not to mention, this is probably the funniest thing I’d ever seen, and yet, nobody else is reacting to it. I was completely beside myself staring at him with wide eyes. All I wanted was for someone else to recognize this absurdity.
“They’ll have to perform without you if you can’t perform while you’re sick.” He said.
Normally, this would be a gigantic threat to me but I couldn’t even concentrate on his words with those ridiculous glasses on his face! I looked around for Sunny, surely she would at least be rolling around on the floor in hysterics over this.
But Sunny was glaring at me with the rest of them, her long brown hair pulled into pigtails.
I blinked and laughed once at the girls, trying with my eyes to get them to look at him but they wouldn’t. I finally looked back at Yongjun one more time.
He was now wearing a matching hairclip and a frilly sash around his neck.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned around and doubled over, snorting loudly.
“Taeyeon-!” He yelled at my back.
“No... Sorry, I need a moment.” I said in a shaky voice, walking to the door.
I grinned all the way there, when my hand landed on the knob I felt dizzy, light headed, as though someone had just shook me. I thought maybe I wasn’t drinking enough water; I must be dehydrated.
I pushed the door open and stepped down a few steps onto the dance floor. It was crowded in the club and I had to push my way through people to get to the other side. My eyes were dazzled with red and blue lights spinning in circles, silhouetting those that stood in my way.
I found adult Hyoyeon waiting for me at the bar and took the seat next to her.
moved but I couldn’t hear what she said over the music.
“What?!” I tried yelling over the blaring background noise.
She pushed a drink in front of me and glared at me.
“You’re late!” She shouted.
Odd, how when she did that the atmosphere seemed to fade around us. I looked out into the crowd and could still people dancing fiercely but I could no longer hear the music. It was as if somebody just hit the mute button on a remote control.
“Err, sorry.” I apologized, sipping from my drink.
“You look like hell, Taeyeon.” She said, bluntly.
I narrowed my eyes.
“How could you get sick right before we’re supposed to go back to America?” She asked, as if it was my fault.
“I… we’re going back to America?” I asked stupidly.
“You didn’t hear? We’ve got a show in L.A.” She said, flicking my forehead with her finger.
“Oh.” I said. For some reason this news didn’t faze me at all.
“You need to work on your English.” She poked me in the chest.
“I will.” I said.
“I hear you’re the favorite in America.” She finished her own drink and ordered another one.
“Am I?” I asked.
Hyoyeon smiled wickedly. I knew right before she hit me with the punch line that I’d walked into a trap.
“Oh yes.” She said, “It seems the American females just can’t resist you.”
I shook my head. Too soon, Hyoyeon, way too soon.
“But you’re going to have to do something about those dark circles around your eyes.” She said, appraising me.
“I just need rest.” I said.
“You need to get yourself checked out.” She said, threateningly. “I’m serious, punk.”
“Alright, fine.” I sighed, standing up and pushing myself away from the bar.
I walked around the bar to the other side and opened up the door where a backroom would usually be. Instead, I could a see a nurse leaning against a desk filling out paperwork. I blinked. This room looked like a perfectly legit doctor’s office. I turned around to look behind me and saw the silent club goers were still dancing to… nothing.
I awkwardly pulled the door shut behind me and the nurse turned around at the sound.
Words failed me.
Before me stood the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Her wide brown eyes surveyed me warily while I gawked at her. It surprised me that nurses today still wore the old fashioned white short skirt getup complete with the hat. Her hair was pulled back into a tight bun and her bangs fell just above her heart stopping eyes.
I swallowed.
“… Do you need help?” She asked me.
“I’m uh. I think I’m sick.” I stammered.
“Lay down.” She patted the hospital bed and searched in the drawer for something. I crawled onto the surprisingly comfortable mattress and watched her, racking my brain for something cool to say.
“H-Have we met?” I asked stupidly as she turned around. She was holding a thermometer and looked at me slightly startled. She didn’t say anything.
“I’m SNSD’s Taeyeon.” I introduced myself. The corner of curled, but she remained silent. “… Please take good care of me.” I finished lamely.
“I… don’t think I’ve ever met any SNSD members, but yes I know who you are. I support you- Um, your group” She smiled. Her eyes became beautiful, perfectly arched lines. It was contagious, it made me smile involuntarily.
How could anybody be so pretty? This should be illegal. If she took my vitals now she’d think I was having a heart attack.
“I’m Nurse Hwang.” She said, “Say ah.”
I opened my mouth and allowed her to slide the thermometer under my tongue. I stared up into her face dreamily as we shared the silence. When it beeped, she removed it and read the number. She then put her cool hand against my forehead. I fought to keep my eyes open.
“You’re hot.” She said softly.
I looked up at her hopefully. “I am?”
“You definitely have a temperature.” She said, marking something on her chart.
“Oh…” I said, deflating.
“Hold still.” She said, running her fingertips along the sides of my neck. She hovered closed to me and I realized I was eye level with her chest. Her cleavage became the focal point of my attention. My face stretched into a vast smile.
The nurse bent beside me and pressed her lips to my neck. It was like an electric current ran through my body, it felt like she was kissing me. I thought to myself that this must be some new method in medicine, as unlikely as that was. It seemed very unprofessional but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
“Why is she grinning like that?”
“I… don’t have a clue.”
I ignored the faint voices I heard; there were much more important things at hand right now.
“It doesn’t seem like you have an infection.” She murmured, not seeming to notice where my attention was. She showed no sign that her behavior was odd. “It’s probably just a cold.”
“Okay.” I said, adamantly forcing myself to stare into her face.
The room shook slightly again and I looked around.
“Just a small tremor.” The nurse said, completely disregarding this as if it were nothing.
“If it gets any worse, come back and see me.” Nurse Hwang said, standing up and moving to the counter to fill in more of her chart. “For now, I recommend rest.”
“… rest?” I choked. Could I have heard her right?
She turned around looking surprised, her eyes were wide.
“Bed .” She said slowly.
I blinked.
“W-what!?” I said, shaking my head slightly. I didn’t dare repeat that one.
“… Bed rest.” She said again.
She looked at me uncertainly and took out a small flashlight from her pocket, flicking it on and pushing my head back gently to flash it into my eyes one at a time. I blinked away the after effects when she was done.
“Okay… Bed rest.” I nodded.
“In fact, you better take my number just in case.” She sounded a little worried and handed me a business card. “If your symptoms get any worse just call, okay?”
I nodded and a smile came to my lips.
“What if I need somebody to go out to dinner with me?” I asked, coyly. “Can I call you, then?”
She smiled again but diverted her eyes from me.
“I’m not sure that would be appropriate.” She said.
“Ah… but what if I get better and I don’t have to call you.” I said, smartly, looking down at my feet hanging off the edge of the bed. I fixed my mouth on one side of my face and pouted a little. “Then I’d never see you again.”
She half smiled at me and held up her left hand apologetically, “You’re cute but, I don’t think my fiancé would appreciate that.”
My face fell and I examined the ring on her finger. It wasn’t nearly extravagant enough. If it were me I would have bought her a way larger ring. In fact, the worth of this ring left me angry. Was this fiancé of hers barely able to provide for her and keep her happy? What an outrage. She can do better…
“Oh…” My chin became solid. “Fiancé?”
“Don’t look so sad.” She smirked, sitting beside me. “You’re SNSD’s Taeyeon, can’t you get anyone you want?”
Obviously not.
I felt actually wounded and I stared up into her face, as if I could will her away from wanting to marry this other person after just meeting me.
“You know, I wanted to be a singer, once.” She said thoughtfully.
“You should have pursued it!” I exclaimed.
“I tried out when I was younger but I didn’t pass my audition.” She shrugged, glancing at her watch. “But I’ve got to go I’ve got an appointment.”
“Tipani, wait!” I stood up.
“Ah… I think you’re confused.” She said slowly, “My name is Stephanie.”
I squinted at her. Something clicked in my brain. “…What?”
“Um… Listen I think you better stay here. I’m going to go get a doctor. You’re not thinking clearly.”
She pulled the curtains around my bed and left. I sat there dumbfounded.
Don’t let her go.
“Tipa-… err… Step-“ I pulled the curtains aside and found myself in the isle of a first class commercial flight. Every passenger within earshot turned around to look at me. I glanced down at the business card in my hand.
It said, “The one”. There was no phone number on it.
My fight died in my chest.
I walked up the isle sadly and found my seat next to Seohyun.
“Are you okay, Unnie? You don’t look so good.” She said.
I looked at her, relieved to see she was acting normally.
“I just met… the most the beautiful girl in the world.” I said sadly.
She put a supportive arm around me and I rested my head on her shoulder.
“Why does that make you sad?” Seohyun asked.
“Because I can’t have her.” I frowned. It hurt more to say it out loud.
“Life is full of obstacles. If you don’t even to overcome them you’ll never know what you’re missing out on.” Her voice changed completely. I looked at her and found my mother holding me instead of Seohyun.
“…Umma.” My voice cracked.
She ran a hand through my hair and appraised me happily. It hit me so hard how much I missed her at that moment.
“Even the most daunting of road blocks can be crossed, my love.” She said. “You must persist and you must follow the path that you believe in.”
I gazed into her loving eyes, as if I couldn’t stare at them long enough, like the world would end before I would get my fill.
The plane started shaking.
“Turbulence.” She said thoughtfully.
The lights above us came up signaling the use of seatbelts and she reached across me to put mine on for me.
Her elbow knocked into me…
And I opened one eye.
I found myself staring down the nurse’s shirt again. I was resting on her shoulder and she seemed to be shaking with laughter.
I grinned widely.
“… rest.” I muttered incoherently.
“…What did you say, Tae?”
I blinked a few more times and lifted my head to look around. Sunny was hanging over the seat in front of us backwards laughing so hard she made no sound at all. All I could hear was the silent the hum of the jet and when I looked around I found it was only us there; Our private jet, not a commercial airliner.
“You… are amazing.” Tiffany chuckled beside me. “That must have been a seriously epic dream.”
I stared at her with my mouth hanging open, reaching up to touch my face.
“Yah, why did you take my mask off, Fany, you’re going to get sick.” I said groggily.
“I wanted you to get some decent rest. Here.” She handed it back to me and I pulled it over my face. “And I don’t care if I get sick.”
“I do.” I said with narrowed eyes.
“ rest?!” Sunny’s question came out in a squeak when she regained her voice.
I kicked her seat, not knowing what she was talking about. I felt so disoriented.
“Be nice.” Tiffany scolded Sunny. “Yah! Go away.” She waved her arm.
Eventually, Sunny turned around in her seat and disappeared. I sniffed loudly through my stuffy nose.
“Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”
“I really don’t remember.” I said, staring straight ahead. I was just picking up bits and pieces here and there of what I just experienced. I actually felt more tired now than I was before I fell asleep.
“You were really cute.” Tiffany said softly. “You smiled a lot.”
“In my sleep? Did I talk?” I looked at her.
“Yeah.” She grinned broadly. “You introduced yourself a few times and then you mentioned something about a fiancé.”
I sighed, knowing with every passing second the dream faded from me further.
She touched my forehead with the back of her hand.
“Oh, I think you’re cooling off.” She said.
“That’s good.” I said unenthusiastically. My entire body was pretty much aching. Every muscle in my face protested when I moved it, my eyes especially. I tried to just keep them focused on Tiffany’s face, I didn’t need to see anything else.
“Do you think you’ll be okay for the show?” She asked.
“Yep.” I said. Through experience, I became very good at performing convincingly, whether I was ill, injured, tired… it didn’t matter. I could always get the job done.
“Get some more rest.” She encouraged.
“How long until we land?” I asked.
She glanced at the time.
“Not long.” She said, pulling out a water bottle for me.
“Thanks.” I said. I pulled down my mask to my chin and I took it from her, sipping it.
“My poor baby.” She crooned, playing with my hair.
I looked sideways at her. An interesting fact about Tiffany: She becomes surprisingly maternal when you get sick.
While I screwed the lid back on she stole a kiss from me before I could pull my mask back up. I glared at her.
“If you get sick because of me I’m going to feel terrible.” I growled.
“If I get sick because of you then you can just take care of me.” She smiled. “We’ll call it even.”
I used my hands to push myself out of the slump I was in to look. Most of the others seemed to be sleeping apart from Sunny and Sooyoung who were in front of us.
“Want to see something adorable?” Tiffany asked me, leaning forward and turning around. She pointed to the seats behind us.
I slowly poked my head over the top of my seats and found Yuri and Jessica asleep. Jessica’s head was on Yuri’s shoulder and Yuri’s tongue was stuck out, caught between her teeth. It looked like they’d just collapsed onto one another. I smiled.
“Are they…?” I pointed.
“Dating? I don’t think so.” Tiffany shook her head.
Jessica didn’t seem to have any adverse reaction to Yuri’s now constant appearance wherever she was, but nonetheless, I did notice a drop in her weirdness level since we’d straightened things out. The GDA awards were actually pretty funny behind the scenes. Jessica had Yuri on a leash the entire time and didn’t even realize it.
I asked Sunny earlier if she did anything to push Yuri in the right direction but apparently Yuri told her off for offering. She wanted to do it by herself, but she really seemed more hopeless than I did at the beginning. It took most of the fun out of it for the rest of us but it looked like she did something right today, at least.
Watching Yuri approach someone she had a crush on made me feel substantially braver.
“Aish. I don’t understand what she’s waiting for.” I said, falling back into my seat.
“I think it’s cute.” Tiffany said.
“Cute? She’s a coward.” I said.
“So were you.”
I bit my tongue and stared straight ahead. I did not appreciate that comparison.
“And she doesn’t have Jessica pursuing her… would you have said anything to me if I didn’t show any interest in you?” She asked.
“No, probably not.” I conceded. That was a very good point.
She pulled a blanket over us and slumped back into her chair like I was. We enjoyed the silence together for some time. I was happy we reached this point, where we could just be quiet together and not feel awkward about it. Shared comfortable silence with the love of my life, it was beautiful.
I was still racking my brain about the stupid dream I had but it almost completely escaped me now.
..
“Fany-ah?” I murmured.
“Mm?”
“I miss my mother.” I said, voicing something I’ve been thinking about for a long time.
It was quiet again for some time. I knew this was hard for her to hear, and I knew she probably blamed herself for the rift between me and my family now. I didn’t want to tell her this but what she said that night was right; It is our problem. I can depend on her and I don’t have to do things alone anymore. I tried to deal with this on my own but I needed her help, I didn’t know what to do.
This was the longest I’ve gone without a single word from my mother in my entire life.
“You should call her.” Tiffany said softly.
“Yeah.” I nodded.
While I liked the idea of getting it over with, I dreaded it at the same time. Would she even take my call?
I would call the hotel we stayed at in China merely average, which was okay for such a short trip. To be fair, I didn't really see much of it...
I dropped my bags just inside the first bedroom I found and fell face first onto the bed. I had absolutely no objection to falling asleep just like this… fully clothed with my feet hanging off the end of the bed, shoes on. The cool, comfortable mattress cushioned my throbbing head perfectly.
I heard another bag land on the floor behind me, the zipper immediately pulled bag. I opened an eye and saw Tiffany’s torso standing beside the bed. She set a water bottle down on the bed beside me in order to fish a few pills out of a plastic bag she was holding.
“You can take more of these now.” She said.
“Mmph.” Was all I felt like saying in response.
She began pulling on my arm and gave a very unsatisfied sound, but allowed her to roll my on my side. While I took the painkillers, she felt my forehead again. She looked concerned.
“I’m fine.” I said, pulling my mask back up.
She stood on the bed and took my arms, pulling me up to the pillows. I grinned up at her effort.
“Sleep it off, baby.” She said, hopping off the bed.
She started taking my shoes off for me and I just couldn’t stop smiling. What a difference it was to now have somebody to take care of me if I’m sick. It reminded me of being a child again, in a good way.
I rolled back onto my stomach and when my feet were bare I felt Tiffany lie next to me.
I felt myself slip in and out of consciousness several times over an undeterminable stretch of time. Tiffany seemed happy to lay there beside me just rubbing my shoulders and back the entire time. The one thing I noticed was that every time I revisited the conscious world my body was aching less; the pills were kicking in.
“Tae…”
“Mmm?”
“Dinner’s going to be here soon. I got you soup.” She said softly, her hand in my hair.
“Mm.. Thank you.” I said, now realizing I was hungry. I opened my eyes and inhaled deeply, stretching my hands above my head.
“You should call your mom tonight, too.” She said softly.
I whimpered and sat up, rubbing my eyes. One reason I told Tiffany about my desire to call home was that I knew she would push me into actually doing it. In my head, I’d already planned to call my mom several times, phone in hand, and it never happened.
She handed me my phone and I started scrolling through my contacts. Tiffany made to get up but I held her there by her wrist. There was no way I was doing this alone.
“Stay.” I said, looking at her.
She nodded.
I put the phone to my ear and listened to it ringing. In the back of my mind, I thought I knew for a fact that my mom wouldn’t answer my call. It startled me that she picked up on the second ring.
“Yeoboseyo?”
I gasped in surprise, she asked again.
“Yeoboseyo?”
“Yeoboseyo, Umma it’s me, your eldest.” I said, staggered.
She didn’t say anything, so I trudged on nervously.
“I’m in Hong Kong and I thought I’d call… I m- I was thinking about you.” I said, blurring words together in my haste.
I wasn’t good at having the heart to heart conversations with my family. The fact that I was initiating one should tip her off that I was pretty upset about the void between us. I heard her take a deep breath and my face fell. Tiffany rubbed my hand.
“…Are you well?” She asked.
“I’m fine. I’ve got a cold but aside from that I’m good. We have a concert tomorrow.” I said.
“You’re sick? Yes, you sound sick. I hope you’re resting well.” She said.
“I am.” I said, “I slept most of the day.”
“That’s good…” She said.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Alright.” She said. “I just did some shopping…”
I sighed. We weren’t really getting to the issue at hand. I looked up into Tiffany’s face while I vaguely listened to my mother’s day in my ear. Tiffany smiled at me, apparently happy that we were at least talking. Admittedly, this was a good first step.
“Umma... I miss you.” I said softly when she stopped talking.
“… Taeyeon.” She sighed hugely. I closed my eyes. Tiffany rubbed my shoulder supportively.
“Of course I miss you too, but I’m so confused.” She said finally.
“I don’t expect you to understand what this is. I’m still figuring it out myself. ” I said, just happy to have heard her say she missed me. “Umma, when I get some time off can I come home? I would be easier to talk about this face to face.”
“Yes.” She said. “It’s your home… so you’re always welcome here.”
I smiled radiantly.
“Umma, I’m going let you go okay? I need dinner.”
“Okay. Wait, Taeyeon? Is Tiffany with you?” She asked.
“…Ummm yes.” I said.
“Can I talk to her? It will be quick.”
I bit my lip nervously and eyed Tiffany before answering.
“…Sure.” I said.
I handed the phone to Tiffany who took it with wide eyes. I shrugged sympathetically.
“Annyeong?” Tiffany said. I watched every muscle in her face for any reaction.
“I’m well, thanks.. U- Mrs. Kim.” She bit her lip, changing my mother’s title mid-sentence. I was glad she caught that. It wouldn’t be right to refer to my mother as her own mother anymore… not yet anyway.
My mom spoke for a long time. Tiffany listened intently. By the time I had enough and wanted to know what was being said, I moved to lean in closer to the receiver but Tiffany was already standing up.
“Okay, Just a second.” She said. She moved to the desk and started taking notes on the hotel stationary. “Yes, I’m sure I can get some. Okay. I will.“
She turned around and smiled at me.
“Okay. Thank you. Take care, goodbye.”
“What was that?” I got to my feet.
Tiffany set my phone on the desk and ripped the top sheet off the pad of paper looking up at me.
“She told me to make this for you…” Tiffany’s lip curled. “Ginger, lemon juice, and honey tea.”
I grinned and brought a hand to my forehead. Growing up, anytime I’d get the slightest sign of a cold, my mother would come barging into my room with the tea. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a cup.
“If you send that to the kitchen I’m sure they’ll make it for you.” I suggested, wondering if my mother thought we regularly traveled around with such raw ingredients.
“I’m going to request the ingredients. I want to make it myself.” She beamed.
I followed Tiffany into the joint living area feeling ten pounds lighter. My mother just shared a recipe to Tiffany, one to use in order to care for me. It was… an amazing gesture that baffled me. I don’t remember her ever sharing that information with anyone before. She couldn’t be here to make the tea for me herself, so she entrusted Tiffany with the task. She could have asked for any of the other girls…
The significance of her intentions was astronomical.
She missed me, she was worried about me, I was always welcome home…
I sunk into the couch and felt warm on the inside that had nothing to do with a fever. Actually, I felt substantially better than I did earlier and I was unable to stop grinning. Tiffany went to the staff room to go have the content on the list retrieved. I just watched as the room service was brought in.
It was time for the starving girls to feed. I smirked to myself as they swarmed the poor guy bringing the tray in.
“Did you get something?” Yoona asked me.
“Tiffany got me soup, I think.” I said.
“Yep.” Yoona said, setting the bowl in front of me. I let it sit while they others got their food, as it was steaming excessively and the last thing I needed to do was burn myself.
Sunny came to sit next to me and started eating. I just watched Yulsic eating off of each other’s plates, exhibiting every outward image of what a happy couple might look like. Only if you look really closely can you tell that Yuri is slightly more into it than Jessica. She looked delighted at her good fortune of having her dinner stolen out from under her nose.
“I’m going to tell Jessica.” Sunny muttered with a full mouth of food.
“Thank God.” I sighed. “They’re driving me crazy. What about Yuri though?”
“I’m not afraid of her.” Sunny said simply.
I smirked, spooning my soup gingerly.
I felt even better after eating. The amount of nostalgia I got from drinking Tiffany’s tea left me soft. Of course, it wasn’t exactly like my mother’s but it was close enough and I think it did help my affliction. I followed her back into our room when everyone started dispersing for the night. A good night’s sleep should put this cold on the ropes for tomorrow’s concert, I felt confident that I’d be in a very good condition.
I didn’t bother putting my mask back on because the amount of times that Tiffany stole a kiss, kissed me through the mask, put her face next to mine, held my hand… She was beyond help.
She is going to get sick, but I really did my best to prevent that. It was too late now.
To top off my spoiled day, I got to watch her change again. Grinning smugly on the bed, I just admired every single aspect of her body. This was fast becoming my favorite daily ritual.
There was something unexplainable about the way Tiffany moved that seemed to highlight every good angle she had. She knew how to carry herself… she knew how to look y all the time. I had no way of knowing whether or not she did this on purpose, for me, or even if it was all subjective. Was I too biased to see her clearly now? Every time I got to see her smooth skin I would automatically remember how soft it was, what it tasted like, how it felt against my own…
I didn’t notice she’d caught me staring until she started walking towards me. She was left only in her underwear and her eyebrows were high upon her forehead, accusingly. I grinned sheepishly as she crawled on top of me.
“See something you like, Tae Tae?” She smiled.
“Mhm.” I nodded.
She kissed me and, for the first time all day, I kissed her back. Even through the comforter I could feel her hip bones poking into me, effectively setting me on fire. I got greedy with the kiss, pulling her closer by the back of her neck and running my hands along her collar bone.
“Tae.” She smirked against my lips. “Want to try another home remedy?”
I exhaled through my nose in excitement, but when I inhaled again my nose whistled loudly. Her head fell on my chest and she started laughing maniacally. I watched her, grinning, inhaling and exhaling sharply through my nose, trying to disable my whistle.
In my peripheral vision I saw the door open and I saw Sunny backing into our room, pulling her luggage behind her.
If I wasn’t so surprised to see her there, I might have tried to cover Tiffany up.
Sunny turned and locked eyes with me and she looked momentarily overwhelmed when she saw the state Tiffany was in. After four months, I more or less assumed the girls knew we were uality active by now but I knew that none of them had come this close to walking in or seeing anything in action. It took a lot to make Sunny look this shy.
When Tiffany was done laughing she followed my eyes to see Sunny as well. We had a theatrical three-way stare down.
“…So, I’m staying in here tonight.” Sunny said, remorsefully.
Tiffany took a deep breath and got off of me to finish getting dressed. I glared at Sunny.
“I thought… I’d let Yulsic share a bed alone tonight.” She said ineptly, pulling her luggage into the corner and getting into bed beside me.
‘Sorry.’ She mouthed.
Tiffany got into the other side of the bed and I looked at her meaningfully, puffing out my lower lip.
“Patience, darling.” She smiled.
Sunny turned the lights out then and the last image I had burned into my brain before being cast into pitch darkness was Tiffany’s wink.
I stood on the elevator pacing back and forth, testing the tread on my new shoes. Jessica ran past me towards the dressing room as her solo stage had just ended and I heard Sunny’s music cue begin.
I always looked forward to this performance at concerts… it’s the only one I get to share exclusively with Tiffany. Taeny Marmalade as it’s widely known.
I had to grin at SM’s courage; allowing us to continue doing such a racy act amidst all the rumors, even when they know it’s all true. Maybe since we’re so beyond the point of no return, they feel it’d draw more attention if they did remove it. Either way, it always felt like a victory to perform it so proudly, in front of so many people.
A stagehand secured my microphone’s bodypack to my outfit while I inserted my ear piece. We tested it until I could hear myself sufficiently. I sang along softly to Sunny’s rendition of the Britney Spears’ song and adjusted my new outfit. I had no objection to showing less skin, though this outfit did seem more lingerie-esque than the one I wore previously for this performance. A black, lacey corset with short shorts… Definitely not something I would wear out regularly.
The stagehand returned with my ‘hat’ and embedded it into the side of my head. It was designed with long teeth to grip my hair and while it wasn’t particularly comfortable, it at least felt secure when I moved my head experimentally.
I heard the crowd scream loudly towards the end of Sunny’s performance and I knew it was probably because she was up there getting d by all those male dancers. I smirked, and out of the corner of my eye I saw something fluffy and pink dart past me, heading towards the direction of the stage.
It was almost time. I gripped my microphone tightly and exhaled deeply, hoping silently that this would go well, as it usually did. I sniffed, the mild cold that remained was forced into my subconscious. If I didn’t acknowledge it, then it didn’t exist.
I heard wild applause and then it started with the snapping through the sound system. I could hear the music begin to play, and Sunny ran past me giving me a thumb up. I beamed.
It wasn’t long into Tiffany’s first verse that the slow elevator began rising. Inch by inch, the sound got louder. With every breath I took, my heart beat faster and I pondered if this career would ever become routine… mundane… I doubted it.
The pink ocean greeted me again for the second time this night and I admired it in its fullest. As I rose higher, I knew the lights would shine on me soon. I knew I’d have to wipe this dumbfounded expression of my face and be y for them, but I didn’t think about it like that, not for this performance at least.
For the three and a half minutes, I would be y for Tiffany.
Many things happened at once.
A loud electronic click in my ear, my entire body was illuminated in a bright light and the crowd howled ecstatically. I started singing and moving as I was trained to. This moment when you become alive and just do what you’ve drilled into your brain, what you’ve perfected after so many hours of practicing, it’s completely indescribable.
The music took me and I belonged to it.
The choreography to this performance was child’s play; mostly just fan service. I knew my biggest obstacle would be getting down the stairs in front of me. If I could just do that, everything else would be easy.
And so, I began descending being shadowed by my own horde of male dancers. I breathed easier when I made it to the stage level and I could see her. She approached me when we began singing together. Her smile was blinding and only I could see her eyes roam over my outfit, she gave me a quick thumbs up as her assessment.
In a way, performing with Tiffany is very much like .
The way your heart races… the synchronized movements… rolling hips to a unified rhythm...
I kept my eyes on Tiffany not even caring how many Taeny shippers were taking pictures of me at that very moment.
Then I felt something that made my stomach plunge. The teeth in my hat were slipping, it was coming loose.
This wasn’t a huge deal. I would perform as normal and if it fell, then it fell. I would continue. I gave it a nonchalant attempt… trying to push it back up into position while I belted a long note. If it worked, then nobody would notice.
It didn’t and I fought hard to keep it from making my dancing slacken, but I found the teeth rubbing against my head so distracting.
Tiffany actually took off down the stage a half second before me.
Screw it, I thought. I would just let the damn thing fall. I was going to skip, to catch up to Tiffany’s distance, but on the very first launch of my body, my front foot came down and slipped, shooting ahead of me alarmingly. I don’t know how the hell I managed to stay upright but when the dancer besides me noticed, he steadied me.
I was so shocked and bewildered that I looked behind me wondering how that could have possibly happened. I have never come so close to taking a fall of that proportion on stage in my entire career. I made it down the damn stairs just fine and now I was failing at walking. I was missing my vocals at this point, just completely disoriented. The dancer kept trying to snap me out of it, encouraging me along and all the while the teeth of my hat were still scraping against my head.
When I looked forward again I was shocked to see how far down the runway I was already, how much of the song I’d missed. Tiffany was performing as though she hadn’t even seen anything happen. She probably didn't have a clue.
My annoyance peaked and I started trying to pull the hat out of my head but, go figure, since I wanted it gone it decided that now that it was halfway out, it wouldn't budge. I panicked, painfully pulling on it, knowing that I couldn’t possibly perform with it hanging halfway down my shoulder. It came out eventually, along with a mass of my own real hair. I dropped it behind me and finally began singing semi-properly again, willing myself to forget this entire incident and make the best of the rest of the performance.
The entire debacle left my ears ringing. My heart was beating frantically. I was standing in front of thousands of people and I wasn’t actually thinking about the performance. I couldn’t understand how so much could go wrong in a mere fifteen seconds. I was usually pretty good at keeping my cool during mistakes, but this one was really getting to me.
I was so happy that this didn’t happen during my part of the song.
I managed to get through it, finding my rhythm once again. Tiffany and I were at opposite ends of the runway and I’d regained my composure well enough to at least look like I was enjoying myself.
I couldn’t stop thinking about it though.
I kept telling myself to play the rest of the performance safely, that I couldn’t have another mistake in this song. I’d get through this and come back strong for The Great Escape. I could bounce back…
We were to meet in the center to finish the song extravagantly. When I turned and saw her again… something clicked in my brain. She was pointing at me, her eyes were perfect lines. It made me smile, too.
This y girl that so many people in this room wanted, was mine. I felt it building in my chest as I got closer. I felt more confident, I felt free, liberated. She’s mine. I could see it in her eyes she was thinking the same thing.
… How I let myself become so distracted again… I have no idea… I don’t know what got into me.
Before we were right next to one another, I let my eyes roam down her amazing body again. I was completely immersed in her. I might have stepped too close but as I backed off, I dropped my hand to connect with her . It was intentional whether I wanted to believe it or not. It was like my hand acted of its own accord. The part that got me the most was that it wasn't only fabric I felt... I definitely felt flesh, too.
I only realized what I’d just done two seconds after it happened, I doubled over in shock at my own daring. Tiffany’s reaction… was priceless but quick. I could actually hear her laugh over the crowd.
She was just as shocked as I was, smiling exuberantly.
We belted the final notes in harmony and I was left staring off into the crowd flabbergasted as to how I managed to survive that without a mental breakdown. I didn’t even realize that I left Tiffany’s hand hanging as she was trying to give me the choreographed high five. I slapped her hand quickly when I found it and she held on it, using my hand to push a piece of her hair out of her face.
She grinned me, looking partially impressed until the lights went out on us and she led the way backstage.
There was no way to hear anything over the blaring intermission movie that had just started until we got back to the changing area. We didn’t have much time so we dressed hastily.
“Tae?” Tiffany asked softly, pulling on the metallic spacey looking top.
“Yes?” I said.
“You… just spanked me in front of sixteen thousand people.” She said evenly, biting her lip.
I nodded stiffly, lodging my tongue in the corner of my mouth. I couldn’t come up with anything to say for myself.
She finished dressing before me and passed behind me in the direction of the stage, brushing against me.
“Tae?”
I looked up at her guiltily as I pulled my shorts up.
She pushed a piece of hair behind my ear.
“You need to tell Sunny to find somewhere else to sleep tonight.” Her eyes could have burned a hole through my skull.
“Omo…” I breathed as she walked away. She had this way of stopping time.
Time… would there ever be enough of it?
I buttoned my shorts quickly, as I heard the timer counting down from the stage above, and sprinted after her.
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