“Umma…I’m not going anywhere.”  I said glancing sideways at her.

She insisted on holding my hand throughout dinner.  Looking across the table I saw Tiffany positively beaming at my mother’s cuteness.  The five of us were huddled at the small dining table in their shabby hotel room, opting out of going to a restaurant by my decision.  I didn’t want them being photographed and broadcasted all over the internet anymore than they already had been.  It was a small inconvenience but it was so important to me to protect them.

“I can eat with my left hand.” My mother said happily.

My eyes landed on my sister who was staring open mouthed at Tiffany.

Hayeon’s thought process had grown considerably sharper since I last saw her. I think in that time she must have really come to a realization about what I do for a living and how large of a scope we were at now. I thought… she looked like me in miniature; without the makeup or the bleach.  My pure natural features were captured in her face.

She had met Tiffany before our debut on many occasions, but Tiffany wasn’t just Tiffany to her anymore. 

This was SNSD’s Tiffany now and apparently that was blowing my sister’s mind. It was… adorable. She got extra points for having good taste.

“Hayeon, are you doing well in school?” I asked.

“Yes, Unnie.” She said, sitting up straight and pulling her attention away from Tiffany.

“Really?” I asked critically.

“She’s very smart and gets good grades…” My mother said, gazing at my sister, “But… hmm, well why don’t you tell her what you want to be when you grow up, Hayeon?”

“Umma…” My sister said indignantly, shrinking considerably.

“What does she want to be?” I turned to my Mom when it didn’t look like Hayeon was going to answer.

My mother smiled faintly

“She said she wants to be you.”

My sister was staring intently at her plate now turning red.  That assertion hit me in the stomach… I wished I could be around more for her.  I actually missed most of her growth completely since she’s been self aware.  The way she acted in front of me was too shy to be familiar.  I didn’t like it; I wanted her to be comfortable with me.

“That’s a hard life…” I said softly.  “Can you sing?”

“I love to sing.” Hayeon said.

“I could get her some vocal lessons…”I said, looking to my father.

My mother squeezed my hand.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to lose another daughter to the entertainment business.” She said.

I looked at her sadly.

“If she’s anything like Taeyeon, we won’t be able to stop her.” My father said getting to his feet and heading into the small kitchen.

“Umma, you didn’t lose me…”

“I know that.” She said, patting my shoulder.

I didn’t think she really believed that. 

I set down my chopsticks and took the shot from the delicate glass in front of me.  I was pleased to find that the alcohol wasn’t burning my throat anymore.  When I went to pour another, I found the bottle empty.  My father and I had gone through the entire thing alone. Surely, he must have had substantially more than I did…

“More Soju?” My father asked me, bringing another bottle back to the table.

“Please, Appa.”

He poured some into the little glass besides in front of me. Tiffany looked extremely concerned, knowing I had little to no tolerance for drinking.  To try and appease her, I picked my chopsticks back up.

“How’s the shop?” I asked my father.

“Really good.” He said thoughtfully.  “We still have so many people come in to visit your shrine or ask about you.”

“I hope they still give you business.” I said, taking the next shot. 

Tiffany frowned and mouthed, “Stop.”

I sighed, turning the glass upside down and wiping my mouth.  I was very sure I wasn’t drunk.  My skin was slightly tingly and I could feel my muscles relax a bit, nothing more.

“Mostly.” My father said happily. “I don’t mind though.”

“So, my eldest, have you met any nice guys?”

I sighed, somehow expecting this moment not to come so soon.  The moment I was dreading was upon us.

“No, Umma. We don’t have time to date.” I scowled at myself for using the mechanical generic excuse. 

“You’re in the prime of your life.” My mother lamented.  “You’re so beautiful and... you know there’s more importance in life than just working.”

I swallowed hard, knowing all too well about the importance of life now.  I looked up at the most important thing in my world now to see her melancholy eyes.  I knew she could see the pain on my face.  I stared at her as if crying for help. 

“… I know that, Umma.”

“And you meet so many handsome men in your line of work…” She simpered.

I stood up, walking heavily to the sink with my plate.  I the water to rinse it and became enraptured watching the water flow into the drain. 

“Are you drunk?” Tiffany whispered, setting her plate beside me.

“No.” I frowned. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I have to tell her.” I breathed.

…

“…Whatever you decide Tae, I’m behind you.” She patted my shoulder and I turned without looking at her.

“Have you thought about having children?” My mother asked from the table, looking up at me. 

I looked around wildly for any last attempt I could come up with to change the subject; to stop the inevitable.  “Umma, why don’t you let me go see if I can get this room upgraded, you guys need something bigger-”

“This is your Christmas present.” She said, “You’re not paying for us and you aren’t changing the subject.” She pointed a finger at me, getting to her feet with her own plate.

I brought a hand to my forehead and closed my eyes... “Hayeon, could you go to the bedroom for a moment? I need to talk to Mom.”

My sister stood awkwardly and looked at my dad before leaving the room.

“You don’t have to…” I heard Tiffany whisper to my back.  I shook my head.

“Umma…” I looked at the ground. 

“What’s wrong, Sweetie?” She asked me, touching my face.  I moved my head away from her touch.

“I… am in a relationship.” I closed my eyes.  My lips felt like they were going numb.

…

“…But that’s great.” My mother cupped my face in her hands. I looked over her head to avoid her gaze.

“What’s his name?  You need to stop feeling so guilty for doing something for yourself that isn’t related to work…” She turned around to look at my father, “I told you she works against herself, it’s like she wants to be miserable…”

I looked at my father who was calmly removing his glasses.  My mother was on a tangent now, so I just let my eyes fall back to the floor and said it.

“Hwang… Miyoung.”

Everything went so quiet and I couldn't look up at her.  I couldn't move. I couldn't think or react or breathe...

I knew I had just been implicated.  I half expected them to turn on me, but I was more worried about Taeyeon’s fate. I wanted to hold her hand.  I wanted the consequence to be split between us rather than pushed solely on her shoulders.  The silence was now spanning what seemed like decades.  Her mother’s face was frozen stiff in place.  Pure skepticism.

Her father… her father merely looked thoughtful. He always seemed like such a geniune person but I could never actually read him by his outward appearance, even after knowing him for so many years.

“What did you say?” Her mother whispered.

Taeyeon’s entire body shuddered.  She turned around and held a hand out to me; I took it without hesitation and came to stand next to her.  I kept my gaze upon her nonetheless. I didn’t need to see what her parents were doing, she was more important.

“… You… you’re just confused.” Her mother said slowly, nodding to herself.  “Let me clean this up.” She started to walk away.

Taeyeon gritted her teeth and threw her head back, in a similar fashion, I thought, to how someone might look if they were on fire.  I had to look away.

“Umma, there’s nothing confused about it! This is who I am! This is how I feel!”

 “You’re a lesbian?” Her mother asked with raised eyebrows, somewhat frenzied.

“…I don’t consider myself...” Taeyeon said, “I’m just in lov-”

“With a woman.” Mrs. Kim pointed at me.

“… Maybe I am.” She looked up at me and then back to her mother. “This is the only person I’ve ever been attracted to; if that makes me a lesbian then you can call me that instead of the name you gave me.”

Mrs. Kim recoiled and it was silent once again.  I held my breath while they tried to stare each other down, both shocked and impressed with Taeyeons response.

“Aren’t you going to say something to your daughter?” She spoke to her husband.

I was also wondering why he was being so quiet; sitting so still. He ran a hand across his mouth, opened it, and closed it again.

“What about your father?” Taeyeon’s mother pointed at me again. “Oh, he’s probably westernized by now.  This is no big deal right?” 

I felt my face begin to pale and I just looked away from her.  I could feel Taeyeon’s breathing picking up rapidly and watched her face.  I’ve never seen her so… vulnerable before.  She risked her entire career and reputation for me already but for the first time since we’ve gotten together, it truly seemed like we hit a brick wall. I thought I understood, though, why didn’t share her fears with me.  If she knew me at all, she’d know I wouldn’t let her pick me between me and her family.  I simply wouldn’t have allowed her to be put into such a position.

“Say something.” Her mother said to her father once more, though she didn’t seem to have any words herself.

I stared at the side of Taeyeon’s defeated face.  She was looking over her mother’s her head adamantly, into nothing.  I thought maybe this expression was guilt; regret, like she wished she hadn’t said anything in the first place. 

When I heard her father’s chair drag across the floor I saw her eyes change, they were filling up slowly…

She was anticipating the harshest blow yet.

“Look at me.” Her father said, standing in front of her and staring down directly into her eyes.  He held her head, tilting it back to force her to look at him.  She blinked once and the moisture overflowed, streaming down her face.  I held her hand tighter and crouched into something like a defensive stance, not that I even knew what I would do if things got out of control.

“This is true?” He said gently, looking towards me.

“Yes.”  My voice cracked.

He nodded thoughtfully and turned his attention back to his daughters face, letting his hands fan out across her cheeks, pushing aside her tears.

“… I love you.” He said softly.

Taeyeon’s face flashed through a hundred different emotions in about a second and her entire body lurched forward, as if she was going to fall. It startled me, but she let go of my hand to throw her arms around her father’s neck.  My heart leapt from my chest as I watched them, hearing a small sob escape her.

Her mother looked… sort of appalled.  I met eyes with her while this was happening and got a somewhat warped hostile face.  I frowned at her.

“Oh, alright.” Mrs. Kim said, throwing her arms up. “This is all perfectly normal. Aren’t we supposed to protect our children?  You’re okay with this?”

She was poking her husband’s shoulder relentlessly until he let go of Taeyeon.  Taeyeon stumbled backwards into me and I held her tightly.  Her face was almost completely glazed in her own tears now.

“Look at her.” He said, pointing towards Taeyeon. “Does she look like a child?”

“I know she’s not a child-“

“Then what can we do?” He said.  “It’s her life.  I’d want different for her for my own interests but if this is what makes her happy I’m not going risk losing her over it.”

“Aish… how can this be?” Taeyeon’s mother whimpered. 

“I’d say we got lucky.” Taeyeon’s father said.  “I mean… She’s one of the most famous women in Korea. People get really messed up by fame and our daughter has remained grounded and safe.  She’s mostly the same.”  He looked back towards us. “… If anything she’s just stronger.”

“.. Umma?” Taeyeon asked as if she was testing the water.  As if she wanted to see if she could still call her mother by such a name.

Her mother shook her head.

“I… I need time.  I can’t think straight.”

“Fine.” Taeyeon said, sniffing loudly and walking out of my arms.  “Take all the time you need.  Merry Christmas.” 

She crossed the room in thee strides and pulled the door shut behind her loudly.  I stood there awkwardly as Taeyeon’s mother dissolved into tears.  I bent double start starting picking up the shards of plate, piling them on top of each other.

When I stood up straight Mr. Kim took the wreckage from me, looking me deep in the eyes.

“Go.  Take care of her.”

“I will.” I promised him.

When I got into the hallway, I could see the elevator close on her.

When I got to the lobby, I could see her walking out the front door.

I ran to keep pace.

Outside, I saw her pull open the door of a cab and decide against it, walking away down the street and leaving it open.  I closed it as I ran by it after her.   She pulled her hood up and kept her head down, actually bumping into a few people passing by on the busy sidewalk.

She turned off the sidewalk before she hit the corner, walking across a field towards an empty playground.  I slowed to a walk and watched her as she stepped up and over a merry go round to take a seat on one of the swings.  I silently took the swing beside her.

“I’m sorry I ruined your Christmas.” She said softly, staring blankly at the cars passing us on the busy street we faced.

I reached over and took her chain, pulling her closer to me. Our swings met somewhere in the middle and my face came to rest against hers.  She closed her eyes.

“You didn’t ruin anything.  I just wish you would have told me…”

“It’s my problem.” She said.

“It’s our problem.” I corrected her, smiling thoughtfully. “I know how you operate.  You like to take every problem aside by yourself and deal with it alone and it just doesn’t work like that anymore.  We’re a team now.”

She pulled away to look in my face and her eyes were slightly unfocused.  

“Isn’t it something that she automatically assumes I must be confused.  I couldn’t possibly be thinking straight.  There must be something wrong with me.” She laughed. “As if I caught a cold or something and it’ll pass; How insulting.”

“Give her time, let it sink in.” I said softly.

I used my thumbs in an effort to wipe away the mascara that had bled and stained the side of her face.  It was freaking ridiculous how beautiful she looked, even in one of her worst moments; even when she cried.

“What would I do without you?” She asked, blinking slowly.

I pushed the hood off her head and started smoothing her hair over.

“You’ll never find out.” I said, smiling. “I'll always be here to take care of you, you know that right?”

“I’m so thankful for that.” She said under her breath.

“I bet that went better than you thought it would, huh?” I asked.

“Yeah.  My dad…” She said, smiling hugely and shaking her head incredulously.

“He must have given you your calmness.”

She nodded, an unsatisfied look crossing her face.

“Pani? My ’s wet.”

I laughed when she stood up and had a perfect rectangular shaped mark across her where the seat had been.  The water on my seat couldn’t have been enough to soak through the jacket tied around my waist.

“Yah, that’s not funny.” She said, rubbing her backside and squinting.

“Do you think that’s going to work?” I laughed harder.

“Friction is heat.” She said, unable to stop laughing herself.

“Come here.” I said, pulling her to sit on my lap. I put my arms around her and rested my chin on her shoulder.  She complied with a small smile on her lips.

“You’re drunk.” I accused.

“I’m not.” She said softly, letting her eyes close. 

I sighed, pulling out my cell phone to call a company van to come pick us up.  Even if she was rather cute in whatever state you would consider her mind in right now, I still had to protect her image.

The darkness was more evident to me now.  Every time the traffic light in front of us changed it almost looked like she was wearing a different expression.  When we were both glowing under the red light, she opened her eyes again and looked at me.  It still takes my breath away whenever she gazes at me like this. 

“What am I going to do with you?” I asked after I hung up the phone.

“Anything you want.” She grinned at me lazily, trying to wink but not quite succeeding.

“Oh my god.” I laughed, bringing a hand to my face.

I was convinced the alcohol she drank had finally caught up with her.

She let her head fall back and mimicked me dramatically, turning sideways on my lap.  “Oh my god.” She said, throwing her arms around me and hugging me tight. 

“I love you so much.” She said in English. “My baby.”

I didn’t really have words for that.  I just held her and used the swing to rock her slowly until the Van came.

But her English refresher must have triggered something in her head because she spent the entire ride home singing the Wonder Girls’ song, “Be my baby”, complete with the dance moves and the rap, after it came on the radio.  Even worse, she coaxed the driver into singing with her after the second verse.  I had to cover until we got into the dorm to keep from waking everyone in the building up while we were in the hallway.

“You’re so loud.” I chuckled when I finally let her free.

“You’re the loud one.” hung open indignantly, “Fany Fany Tipani!” She brought her fingers up to make little ears on her head completely mocking my old introduction.

“I hope you enjoy this.” I smirked, leading her into the bedroom. “I’m not letting you drink again for a long time.”

“I’m not drunk! I’m just… relieved?” She finished uncertainly, sitting on the bed.

“Well, I’m proud of you.  That was really brave.” I said, undressing and finding a small white t-shirt to wear to bed.  When I turned around again, I found her staring at me closely wearing a shy smile.

“Fany-ah, we could… pick up where we left off and pretend that other part of the day never happened.” She said thoughtfully, her eyes were fixated on my body.

This both surprised and excited me.  It made me think that she enjoyed herself earlier and considering we had like zero time to talk about it, I felt lifted. Unfortunately, I knew I still had to respect her current state of mind.

“We could,” I agreed, stepping into a baggy pair of pajama pants and lying down.  “If you were sober.”

“I am sober.” Her head hit the pillow beside me and she pouted at me sadly.

“Are you lying to me, Kim Taeyeon?” I asked her seriously.

She took a deep breath and sighed. 

“I’m not drunk but I’m not sober.”

“We’ve got practice tomorrow.” I said softly. 

“Orchestra practice.” She smirked. “But the girls will be home tomorrow.”

She said this as if it might change my mind.

“Don’t worry, we’ll find time for each other when they’re around, too.” I said. 

We’d have to.  There was no way I’d be able to go without doing that again for long.  I grinned.

“Today was a roller coaster.” She sighed and I could still see she was upset about dinner. I was sure no ammount of alcohol would wipe that completely from her mind any time soon.

“It was a rough day.” I agreed.

She laughed, “There always has to be something standing in front of us, huh?”

“Well, what else are you afraid of?”

“Honestly?  Nothing. Unless you get bored of me...” She said. 

That was ridiculous.  I didn’t even feel like dignifying it with response.

“Yeah, right.” I rolled my eyes.

“Do you really think my mother will come around?” She asked me softly.

“I think so.” I said. “I bet your dad talks some sense into her.”

“She wants grandkids.” Taeyeon frowned.

I sat up and pulled the covers over us.  “Do you want kids?” I asked her.

“Not anytime soon.” She smiled, scooting in to rest on my shoulder.

“Me too.” I said.

“What do you want to do, Fany-ah? When all this is over.” She asked, waving a hand in the air.

“When SNSD disbands?” I asked. 

I didn’t really like talking about this, about the girls going their separate ways.  I couldn’t really see it happening that way.  For some reason I think we’ll all be together forever in some way, even if it’s just getting together on the weekends or whenever we have free time.  A lot of the girls, I know for a fact, want to try their hand in solo work after we split; Taeyeon, in particular.

“I… don’t know.  I’d like to keep singing but I’d like to go to school, too.” I said.

“Would you go to school in America?” She asked, running her finger along my side.  It sent a chill down my spine.

“Probably. For a while, at least.” I said, taking her hand.

“I’d go with you.” She said.

“No.” I smiled. “Everyone’s anticipating your solo career, Tae.”

“Let them.” She said. “I go where you go.”

I shook my head, hardly seeing a reason to argue about something that could be years off.  By then, if it truly came down to that, I will stage an incredible change of heart about going to America to study and stay in Korea.  I wouldn’t let her walk away from her future for me.

“What’s got you thinking about this?” I asked.

“I always think about the future.  What it would be like to get a place together? Or if we weren’t in this band; if we lived a normal life.” She said, closing her eyes.

“Like you would have been able to approach me if we just went to school together or something?” I laughed sardonically. “You wouldn’t have ever said anything if Sunny didn’t tell me to go sleep with you that night.”

She opened her eyes and quirked her eyebrows at me before rolling onto her back and laughing loudly.

“What?” I asked.

“I knew it!” She said triumphantly.

“What?!” I shoved her.

“Lee Soonkyu!” She said exuberantly, “She told you! You said you found her asleep that night.  You were in on it!”

Damn.

“Yah...” I sighed.

“Were you in on Australia, too? Did you ask them to get out of the house that night? To leave the ocean when I came in?” She asked teasingly.

“That’s enough.” I looked away, waving a hand in the air.

Her laughter reached new heights. 

“See, you were just as shy as I was.”

“Oh no!” I said, rolling onto my side, “Taeyeon, I could have thrown myself at you, no problem, I just…didn’t want to rush you.  I wanted you to feel like you were in control.”

“Why?”

“Because.” I said, looking at her blankly.  I didn’t know why. 

“Maybe… I think someone that takes initiative is y.”

I smirked.

Let her think about that.

I felt her head retake its place on my shoulder.  She was wearing a satisfied grin and playing with one of my hands. 

“Anyway, we should always be together, don’t you think Tipani?” She asked me.

I wondered if she really had to ask that; like she didn’t know already?

Life without Taeyeon?  Unthinkable. 

The first girl that gave me a chance in Korea as a person and as a performer.  The one that pushed me when I was too tired and made me stronger. Who I thought I knew better than the back of my hand yet always caught me off guard when I least expected it. 

She took me through so much confusion at such a young age about who I was and why I was feeling the way I was feeling about her.  It took me so long to realize that it didn’t matter if it was normal. As long as she understood, that’s all I cared about.

I looked down at her and found her eyes closed but her face wasn’t peaceful.  Her jaw was set in a stiff manner.  I moved into kiss her cheek but she opened one eye before I made contact, making me jump.

 “You’re going to answer, right?” She whispered.

“Aigoo.” I hit her shoulder. “You scared the hell out of me.”

She laughed, “But you have to answer.”

“Yes, Yes.  Of course, you fool.  Always.” I said falling back into the pillow and staring at the ceiling.

“Forever?” She asked.

I smirked. “Are you proposing?”

“Do you want me to?” She gazed at me.

Her face was so sincere it kept me from speaking.  I didn’t know what to say. Judging by her expression, if I said yes she’d go buy a ring tomorrow. If I said no, would it hurt her feelings?  Was this a result of the alcohol? 

She laughed at me, lying down again.

“You don’t have to answer that one, yet.”

“Omo...”I breathed, exhaling and feeling my muscles relax.

I heard her chuckle.

“Go to sleep before you kill me.” I whimpered.

Her hand landed on my face and pulled me towards her.  I didn’t realize how I much I missed her soft lips from earlier until she was kissing me again, even if I thought I might be able to get a cheap buzz off of her breath alone.

Stupid, I thought, to take her so seriously about something so huge like that.  Taeyeon is level headed. She wouldn’t want to be spontaneous about something as serious as marriage, I knew that.

“So, you told her.” I said, staring between Sunny and Jessica.

“I don’t think that really matters, now, does it Taeyeon?” Sunny asked, looking amused.

“… It was all a set up?” I asked.

“I wouldn’t really call it a set up; you just needed a push in the right direction.” Jessica stared up at me blankly.

I stood and puffed my cheeks out, looking at myself once more in the mirror.

“How long did you know she liked me?” I stared at Sunny in the reflection.

She poked her tongue into her cheek and laughed.

“Quite a while.” She giggled, coming behind me to adjust the puffy black jacket I was wearing.

“And… how long did you know I liked her?” I asked dully.

“Only since you started sleep talking about her.” She snorted.

I Sunny and the look in my eyes must have told her she’d be safer in the other dressing room because she scurried away. I slowly started advancing after her.

“Wait.” Jessica said. “It's is coming loose.”

She turned me around to face the mirror again and began adjusting the microphone receiver that was somewhat embedded in my back pocket.  She wasn’t exactly delicate about this.

She looked down my body in the mirror and quirked her head to the side.

“These are supposed to ride lower.” She said thoughtfully.

She put her thumbs into the corner of my pants in the front and tugged them down to hug my hips tighter, exposing more of my stomach.  How quiet it was made me aware that we were the only two left in this dressing room.  I watched Jessica’s face and the icy expression she wore told me absolutely nothing.

“How long did you know?” I said to break the silence.

“Well, I shared a room with her.” She said, “She talked about you all the time. She’s not very subtle.”

“Why didn’t I pick up on it? “ I frowned.

“I think... you’ve always been oblivious to these things, Taeyeon-ah.” She said softly, becoming a straight line.

She pulled a stray piece of my hair back to rest behind my ear without meeting my gaze and clapped me on the shoulders.

"There. Perfect."

“Always?” I turned to look at her, but I saw an angel standing in the door way, my eyes didn’t make it to Jessica.

Tiffany looked… like a live action doll, there was no other way to describe her.  Her hair was in the most perfect meticulous tight bun on the top of her head and her white dress made me feel far too inadequate and underdressed to even be in her presence.  She was holding her flute at her side.

“We need to be at the stage.” She smiled at me.

“Wow.  You guys look like you’re about to get married.” Jessica said.

Maybe.

Though I was certain I wanted Tiffany to be showing far less leg at our wedding.

“Come on.” She said, holding a hand out to me.

I dug quickly through my purse to pull out my cell phone one last time; to check if maybe, just maybe, my mother had left me a message or tried to call. 

I frowned when I came up empty handed and threw it aside, taking Tiffany’s hand.

On the way to the stage, I decided that I would use this broadcast to show my mother just how grown up her daughter is now.

I thought it was so appropriate that Tiffany would be playing me in using such a delicate and innocent instrument as a flute.  My strained vocals and her delicate notes were no different to me. 

She told a story just as fierce as mine using half the effort.