Seulgi never thought she'd find a mirror in Joohyun.

 

Seulgi had always paid attention to the way Wendy looked at Joohyun, but never the other way around.

 

Maybe it was because she didn’t like how Joohyun reminded her of herself.

 

Wendy was undoubtedly enamored with the older woman, and truth be told, Seulgi wasn’t surprised – Joohyun had this charm that called for passing eyes. But when she considered it, gave just a little bit more of her time to think, Joohyun was just as enamored with Wendy, too.

 

She was just quieter, more soft-spoken and subtle about it, than Wendy.

 

Throughout their coffee-talks, it didn’t take long for Seulgi to pick up on the silent cues Joohyun would leave whenever they spoke about Wendy.

 

It would be in the way her lips tugged at the corners, twitching to smile, or when her eyes sprinkled of affection, dusted with light akin to sparklers of fireworks; bright and glowing, her words laced with that fondness Seulgi wasn’t deaf to hearing.

 

Joohyun always sounded so much like herself that it sometimes hurt to listen to her.

 

It was particularly strong when Joohyun had invited her for a sleepover at their shared apartment to celebrate Wendy’s birthday.

 

(“Why don’t you come over? Have a sleepover with Seungwan?”

 

“…Wait, really? I can?”

 

“I don’t see why not. Besides, it’ll be my birthday present for you too, since you never told me yours was on the same month. It’ll be fun.”)

 

It was sweet of Joohyun; a sentiment the older woman had no need to do for her at all.

 

It only made Joohyun that much more difficult to dislike.

 

Seulgi had been aware that Wendy was keeping their relationship a secret; it was obvious when Joohyun still looked at Wendy with eyes that spoke of poetry, familiar syllables to words Seulgi knew all too well already written so blatantly on similar pools of brown.

 

Seulgi would have to look away to remind herself that she wasn’t the one pining over Wendy anymore – that she was already with her.

 

But it was hard when Joohyun played as her mirror.

 

It was fun picking out birthday cards – there were so many phrases they giggled over, pondered over which would make Wendy laugh more, that Seulgi almost bought the whole row of cards if not for Joohyun’s firm hold on her wrist.

 

“She’ll love whichever one because it’ll be from you, okay?”

 

“Do you think so?”

 

Seulgi had trouble juggling between a card with a guitar and the other with a white bear; she wasn’t sure which Wendy would love more – she didn’t want to screw up.

 

Joohyun had chuckled then, placing the two cards into Seulgi’s palms, patting her hands gently.

 

“Yes. Besides, who says you can’t get her two birthday cards?”

 

An idea had struck Seulgi then.

 

Passing Joohyun the card with the guitar, she slipped it into the older woman’s hand and grinned at Joohyun’s crinkled brows and confused frown.

 

“One from me, and one from you.” Seulgi slapped her back then, giggling at Joohyun’s startled cough. “Two perfect cards from two people who care about her the most, right?”

 

It was blaringly obvious how Joohyun had flared up, her cheeks dotted in pink, her quick spin to stalk off towards another aisle an excuse to hide her embarrassment, muttering beneath her breath ‘Let’s go get cake’ before she disappeared around a shelf of magazines.

 

Seulgi had laughed then, running to catch up, only to spot Joohyun plucking her phone out, taking note of the word on her screen.

 

‘Home’.

 

Before she got to ask, Joohyun had already clicked answer.

 

“Seungwan? What’s up?”

 

Seulgi hadn’t known what to think then, as she listened to the way fond affection colored Joohyun’s voice, her syllables brighter than the lights on the ceiling.

 

When the call ended, Seulgi couldn’t help but ask.

 

“’Home’?”

 

She remembers how Joohyun had pink dust her cheeks again, the rosy hue a stark contrast to her pale skin.

 

Joohyun had muttered under her breath, rubbing her neck.

 

“Um, well, Seungwan’s the one I come home to, so…”

 

Seulgi hadn’t thought much of it then; she had slotted the image away into the furthest corner of her memory because it was true; they lived together, after all.

 

That was no secret.

 

She just didn’t think it would be deeper than that.

 

“Happy birthday, Wen-Wen!”

 

Seulgi had carried the box of cake into the apartment that special evening after having gone out with Joohyun for cards.

 

“Oh wow! Thank you!”

 

Seulgi remembers watching Wendy shuffle towards them at the door, with Joohyun locking it up behind them, their snow-covered boots thudding onto the mat.

 

Joohyun had offered to take her backpack while Wendy had tugged to carry the cake, Seulgi feeling overwhelmed at their instinctive and synchronized hospitality (though they always seemed to move as clockwork together), having watched with awe at their automatic steps.

 

“You already prepared the beds?”

 

Seulgi couldn’t help but let her jaw drop at the makeshift fortress of pillows and blankets and two mattresses slid together to make one large bed. The couch was pushed back to make space in the living room, their sleeping arrangements already set.

 

“Yup! We’re all sleeping together!”

 

Wendy was practically bouncing from where she stood, her expression filled with glee, her excitement spilling through the tiny hops in her feet and the grin her lips had sported; a shining competition to the arching lamp of the kitchen.

 

She looked like a child on Christmas Eve, gushing about the presents she could open the next morning, how Wendy had giggled at the prospect of a sleepover with the three of them as she cut the cake, looking adorable in her blue apron.

 

Seulgi remembers how happiness painted Wendy’s face to glow even when her focus fell on the slices of chocolate and colored sprinkles, how strands of auburn had curled over her forehead, hiding specks of her cute brows.

 

She also remembers how Joohyun had watched Wendy from the side of the room, having settled her backpack for her on the couch, the older woman’s eyes covered in mute longing – that look Seulgi had seen too often in the mirror of her own home.

 

But Seulgi had ignored it – blamed it on the lighting; that maybe she was just seeing things; that it was her mere imagination.

 

“Oh, you even have the bear out!”

 

Seulgi had been surprised to see the stuffed animal, remembering how Taeyeon had gifted the toy to Wendy, the blue dress now a lighter shade compared to its earlier days.

 

Curious feet padded against the floor, settling beside the bear and cradling it in her arms, flitting fingers across the seams of blue. The white that colored the animal carried flecks of yellow, obvious signs of time ticking for it too, the soft fluff a familiar touch beneath her hands.

 

It was a while since she had last seen it.

 

For some reason, Wendy never really mentioned it; Seulgi wouldn't have been surprised if the shorter girl had forgotten where it came from, but to think that Wendy hadn't bothered to ask her about it – it was a bit disheartening.

 

She was glad the bear was out now though; maybe Wendy had recalled a memory about it?

 

Flitting fingers across blue, letting nostalgia run under her skin, tickle it warm, Seulgi couldn't help but let the trickle of memory lane color her mind's eye.

 

Until her palms met with crooked knots.

 

Seulgi had felt confusion mar its way through her head, the newly stitched seams on the blue dress etching in to replace the old image of crisp material.

 

It was a decent patch-work, rookie fingers having cured ripped strings to make the attire look relatively new again – or at least, not as torn, spotting awkward knots here and there.

 

“I’m…not very good at sewing,” Seulgi was startled to hear Joohyun’s voice, looking up at timid syllables spilling past her lips. “But I managed to make it work somehow.”

 

Joohyun looked sheepish, scratching at her cheek, her eyes darting anywhere else but at the bear.

 

Seulgi stared at the stuffed toy once again, looked at beady eyes and its signature white fur with its memorable blue dress.

 

And to think the bear now had a link to Joohyun, too.

 

It was supposed to be a keepsake comprised of just them three: Taeyeon, Wendy, and herself.

 

Seulgi had felt green jealousy bubble at the pit of her stomach then, the thought of what was once a special memory for them was now shared with someone outside too.

 

It was like Joohyun was taking everything that used to be hers; Seulgi felt like she was being replaced, even.

 

First it was Wendy’s heart, and now a precious memento, too.

 

It terrified her.

 

But Seulgi had dismissed it all as insecurity. It had to be mere anxiety because why would she be so insecure when she was the one dating Wendy?

 

“You did great, unnie.” Seulgi’s lips had moved on autopilot, a template response already breaking through between her teeth. “A little rough around the corners, but I think it adds a certain charm to it.”

 

Joohyun had sounded relieved.

 

“Oh really? That’s good, I was worried it looked terrible.” She had raised her left hand then, wiggling her fingers. “I kept poking myself with the needle, so I’m glad it worked out in the end. Band-aids are a little annoying to wear.”

 

Joohyun had laughed lightly, sounding fond of the memory.

 

To think Joohyun bothered to sew the dress despite not being particularly adept; Seulgi should’ve figured it out then – of just how much Wendy meant to the older woman.

 

But Seulgi had dismissed that red cue, too. After all, there was nothing to worry about when she already had Wendy.

 

“Come on you two, let’s go eat. I made lots for us tonight. You both better finish your plates, okay?”

 

Wendy had stepped into the living room, patting the stuffed bear gently on its head, her confidence so akin to the Wendy Seulgi still remembers all too well.

 

Placing the bear back on the couch, caressing fingers along the new seams of its blue dress, Seulgi pretended it didn’t hurt to be sharing the stuffed animal with Joohyun, too.

 

She knew it was petty – it was just a toy, after all.

 

No big deal.

 

…It was no big deal.

 

Seulgi mustered up the biggest smile she could despite the scathing fire of pain in her chest, letting her eyes curl into crescent moons to hide away the tears that burned behind them.

 

“Great, I’m starving!”

 

She settled into a seat next to Joohyun at the table and watched the way Wendy poured food into their plates like she had always done for her when she had been her Wendy.

 

Seulgi had latched onto that picture; found an anchor to hold herself together so she could pretend she wasn’t hurt being there.

 

-

 

When they were all dressed for bed, Joohyun had approached Wendy at the sink.

 

Seulgi had managed to hear the words from the couch, the blue dressed teddy bear comfortably sitting on her lap.

 

She hadn’t planned on eavesdropping, but her feet wouldn’t let her move, like they were molded into the floor.

 

Her ears had picked up the older woman’s soft voice.

 

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

 

Joohyun had looked nervous, her hands stuffed into her grey hoodie.

 

Seulgi watched Wendy nod her head, curiosity painting her lips, her eyes darting worriedly like a timid Joohyun was a rarity.

 

Seulgi wished she could cover her ears to not hear the affection on Wendy’s tongue.

 

“Of course! Is something wrong, Hyun?”

 

She had watched Joohyun pluck a small metal box out of her pocket, flicking the lid open, hearing it go ‘clink’, before shutting it to a close again.

 

It looked like a lighter.

 

“I…” Hesitation played along Joohyun’s lips like an orchestra, how her words seemed to pause just behind . “…I – um, c-can we talk in my room? It’s, well, a little embarrassing.”

 

Seulgi had shot them a smile when their eyes glanced at her, tilting her head to the side to emphasize her appearance of ignorance – have them under the illusion that she hadn’t heard them at all.

 

She just happened to have sharper hearing when it had something to do with Wendy.

 

“We’ll be right back okay, Seul?”

 

Seulgi had merely nodded, catching Joohyun’s apologetic smile, not trusting her own mouth to speak when was drowning in slick liquid of gooey envy green, choking her to a silence.

 

When the two disappeared behind a closing door, Seulgi got up to retrieve the card and a little present she had gotten for the birthday girl, digging through her backpack and making sure nothing was crinkled or out of place.

 

Joohyun had already given her birthday card with the guitar, a simple “Happy Birthday” written on it, though Seulgi had a feeling that Joohyun was giving the rest of her present for Wendy in the privacy of her room.

 

She wondered if that lighter she held had anything to do with it.

 

And since when did Joohyun smoke?

 

She had never caught the woman puff a cigarette at all – there wasn’t any hint of smoke on her clothes or breath either, whenever they had coffee together.

 

Seulgi stared at the little present she had prepared for Wendy – a simple guitar pick with a white bear on it, knowing that a constant presence next to Wendy would forever be her guitar.

 

“Sorry, did we take too long?”

 

Seulgi had jumped at Wendy’s voice hovering just behind her, hiding the card and present as best as she could, spotting Joohyun’s knowing smile and Wendy’s curious eyes falling to where her hands were shoved into the crevices of her backpack.

 

“N-No, not at all!”

 

Seulgi swallowed at Wendy’s looming presence, how the shorter woman had crawled along the bed to where she sat, right at the corner near the couch.

 

Wendy had happiness for a face.

 

Seulgi wondered what Joohyun had done to paint such a beauty of a picture in a span of a few minutes.

 

“What are you hiding, Seul?”

 

Seulgi had darted her gaze away at Wendy’s gleaming smile, nervous at her girlfriend’s fingers roaming over her pajama covered thigh. She was clearly trying to peek past her, no doubt eager to see what were in her hands.

 

Seulgi had caught Joohyun’s mute nod before the older woman shuffled away, clearly giving her the privacy she needed to properly greet the birthday girl.

 

When Joohyun disappeared into her room again, Seulgi plucked the items out, feeling relieved that Joohyun wouldn’t be watching the embarrassing exchange (she could suddenly relate to the older woman’s nervous call a few moments ago).

 

“I – um, I got you this,”

 

Wendy had grasped at the small black box and card, her eyes shimmering with delight, how they zig-zagged at the lines she had written with blue ink.

 

Seulgi scratched at her cheek.

 

“I…I ramble a lot, as you can see…”

 

She had spoken about the dates they had together, the sleepovers they now shared, and the reassurance that she would still love her even if all Wendy could think about was Joohyun.

 

As much as it pained her to know, Seulgi thought it was okay, because maybe one day, Wendy would grow to love her the way she used to again.

 

Seulgi thought she could wait.

 

“Thank you, Seul. I love it.”

 

When Wendy had hugged her, Seulgi made sure not to forget to kiss her too.

 

She had cradled her chin, the feel of smooth skin beneath her fingers a familiar touch before Seulgi had taken her lips. She had tasted of the sweet chocolate cake, soft and feather light, and she didn’t want to pull away.

 

But Wendy did, pushing gently against her shoulders, smiling that little smile before standing just as Joohyun’s door clicked open, her laptop in hand.

 

At that moment, Seulgi didn’t want to be a secret anymore.

 

“Do you have another report to do?”

 

Seulgi had watched the brief exchange, allowed her heart to beat to a slower pace, as Wendy neared Joohyun, the oldest woman settling into a chair at the table.

 

Joohyun had shaken her head.

 

“No, I’m just checking my schedule for the next week.”

 

Wendy had merely hummed before trailing towards her own room, no doubt tucking the present and card away.

 

Seulgi shifted to move her backpack onto the couch and settled it next to the stuffed animal, all the while having watched Joohyun type away on her laptop.

 

“Which side do you prefer sleeping on, unnie?” Seulgi had asked, gesturing to the makeshift large bed she was currently sitting on when Joohyun looked her way. “Wen-Wen will probably be in the middle.”

 

Joohyun had looked bashful then, coughing into a hand.

 

“Um, I wasn’t really planning to…”

 

Seulgi frowned.

 

“Then where will you sleep?”

 

“The couch?”

 

“No, Joohyun.” Wendy had authority to her voice, a pout on lush lips as she strode back into the living room. “You’re sleeping on the bed, okay? We all are.”

 

Seulgi had understood Joohyun’s discomfort.

 

After all, they were both close with Wendy, though not to each other (at least, not enough to have a sleepover so intimate as sharing the same bed).

 

But Wendy was firm and despite Joohyun’s disgruntled whine, her girlfriend had dragged her by the wrist towards the bed, Seulgi remembering to move aside and make room for the two of them.

 

“But the lights…”

 

Joohyun had obviously been looking for an excuse to prolong the inevitable, but Wendy wouldn’t take any of it, her mischievous smile so bright even in the dim amber glow of their kitchen lamp.

 

“It’s fine. Seul doesn’t like the dark anyway.”

 

Seulgi had instantly grinned, having felt glee color her cheeks warm and pink, affection having risen up in her chest at the fact that Wendy remembered. It was something.

 

Even if it was because she reminded Wendy the first time they started having sleepovers again.

 

“Oh.”

 

Seulgi had watched Wendy settle beside her, watched her girlfriend yank Joohyun down gently with her, before all three of them faced the ceiling together.

 

Wendy’s hands had been full with Seulgi’s fingers in one, with Joohyun’s in the other.

 

Seulgi should have realized sooner what that meant: that somewhere along the way, she was no longer the only one in Wendy’s heart – that there was someone else who was now her equivalent.  

 

That night, Seulgi had waited until they both fell asleep to memorize the way Joohyun had naturally curled against Wendy, her arm over the shortest woman’s tummy, their hands still undeniably linked together.

 

Seulgi remembers how she had held Wendy similarly too, her fingers still very much entwined with hers.

 

But she hadn’t missed the way Wendy had drifted instinctively into Joohyun’s hold, curling into her, like she was returning her embrace.

 

Sleep had finally gotten the curtains to close over Seulgi’s eyes, but not without her thinking that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t worth keeping Wendy if it meant hurting this much.

 

-

 

Looking at Wendy now, blinking blearily, watching her Wendy disappear before her very eyes, Seulgi considers that it might just be true.

 

(“Because that's all you need, Seul.”)

 

She never thought she’d hear Wendy again.

 

Together, they are a mosaic of mistakes, and it's sort of beautiful.

 

Seulgi admits that she doesn’t quite like it, how the word ‘mistake’ is a nicer way of saying ‘error’, because she knows she still can't find her Wendy, but as she watches this Wendy (present-right-here-right-now Wendy) curl a smile on her lips, Seulgi thinks it’s okay.

 

She thinks it’s okay that their love turned into a mistake.

 

But maybe it’s because Seulgi wears scripted words like a suit for skin, the concept of pretend a definition that Seulgi would consider analogous to herself.

 

She’s a walking lie, after all.

 

Seulgi's even grown used to lies from her own lover's lips: the way Wendy would enunciate each syllable, make them clearer to hear, poison dripping between teeth that often marks Seulgi’s skin between the sheets through kisses at sleepovers they still have.

 

They’re both liars.

 

Wendy’s just learned to pretend along with her.

 

She'll tell Seulgi a beautiful lie “I love you,” and Seulgi will respond with the truth; “I love you too.”

 

The words were easy. So were the touches.

 

But Seulgi knew she wouldn’t have been able to keep up with the charade if this Wendy didn’t share her Wendy’s face.

 

But it was getting harder to pretend that it doesn’t hurt – that it doesn’t hurt how Wendy looks at her like she wishes she was Joohyun instead.

 

Seulgi's never been much for confrontation.

 

She hates conflict as much as a child hates vegetables, but sometimes, they're necessary and Seulgi hates that.

 

Wendy's looking at her with stonewashed eyes, her gaze far off that Seulgi can't read her, unrecognizable like it's no longer the girl she knew and loved.

 

But she looks like the girl Seulgi's still in love with, the girl she still sees in dreams when she sleeps, in every guitar she hears someone play, and in every white teddy bear and blue dress she'd fix and organize in the store.

 

She sees Wendy even when she doesn't want to anymore.

 

“How could you be this mean, Wendy?”

 

Seulgi knows she's not talking to past Wendy – her, Wendy.

 

She'd seen the way the shorter girl looked at her, that tiny spark of knowledge of what they used to be a glimmer of broken wings suddenly remembering how to fly.

 

Seulgi had felt time pause, maybe even rewind, when Wendy had looked at her like she remembered loving her again.

 

(“Because that's all you need, Seul.”)

 

Even when Wendy (her Wendy) came back just for that tiny second, Seulgi shouldn't have been surprised to be teased again – it was always Wendy's thing.

 

Seulgi latches onto Wendy's arms, legs crumbling under the weight of eyes that have hidden away her Wendy again, pooling back to lost brown that has only learned to love Joohyun.

 

Wendy’s “I love you's” have become sweet poison, corroding at her lips for every kiss they share; their dance of pretend a fantasy Seulgi's been waiting for so long.

 

Seulgi's never realized how the gentleness rips her at the seams of her heart, slowly, as if it won't hurt (and it doesn't, not really) until Wendy's mentioning Joohyun in every syllable makes.

 

In the quiet of her house, in the security of her bed, beneath the blankets they’d cuddle in, Wendy would mutter things during their sleepovers like: “Do you have a purple pen?” and “This brand of fabric softener is amazing,” to “I wonder if she’s staying up late tonight.”

 

Seulgi doesn’t mind them though; they were indicators of how much Joohyun had taken up the space in Wendy’s heart.

 

But she tries not to think that maybe, just maybe, Joohyun had replaced the pieces that were hers instead of filling the remaining gaps left to fit the two of them.

 

Wendy is blinking at her.

 

But she’s gone.

 

Again.

 

“…Seulgi?”

 

She wants to laugh, how the sound of her name lacks the affection she’s heard just a moment ago – how she had heard her voice like she hadn’t been gone long; like she was just there, waiting for her.

 

Somewhere.

 

(“How could you leave me with just lesson 1?”

 

“Because that's all you need, Seul.”)

 

Something clicks in her head like a bolt had been hammered down enough times to finally crack her open.

 

Maybe it’s because she got to hear her, how she felt, that Seulgi feels like she could pull through with a map that had blurred lines and no x’s marking a spot.

 

Or maybe it’s because she’s looking at Wendy and realized that she left her, alone.

 

Again.

 

Together, they’re a mosaic of mistakes, and Seulgi still thinks it’s beautiful – really, though it’s sort of sad, too.

 

But they don’t have to be.

 

They don’t have to be liars anymore.

 

She’s grasping Wendy’s hands, curls them in her own, stares at the way they’re small and soft, having memorized the slopes of lines on her palms and thinks: these used to touch her the same way, too.

 

But as much as they made love together, again and again, Wendy’s touches weren’t the same – they weren’t hers.

 

She knows this Wendy put her above herself, too. But it was wrong.

 

And Seulgi knew she was wrong for saying yes.

 

(“I want to make up for all the lost time we’ve had when I forgot how much I loved you.”)

 

It was a nice sentiment; it even gave Seulgi a little hope – that they could go back to the way things used to be.

 

But the Wendy Seulgi knew would never want her to hurt like this; she would never allow Seulgi to pine over something so toxic – not when kind, beautiful, Wendy, puts others before herself.

 

Her Wendy wouldn't let Seulgi waddle after a ghost in the dark.

 

So why was she letting herself do something she knew Wendy would never approve of?

 

So Seulgi stops.

 

“Hey, Wendy?”

 

Wendy is blinking at her, as if to clear the fog away over her eyes, like she had a momentary lapse – like she was trying to figure out where she was, and what had happened.

 

“…Yeah?”

 

Seulgi presses a kiss to her hands, finding strength in warmth that never really changed, even when Wendy herself, did.

 

“I love you.”

 

“Seul?”

 

Seulgi laughs, wry and scathing in , but the words spill a lot more easier now than she thought it would.

 

Maybe it’s because it’s time she took Wendy’s lesson to heart.

 

(“Lesson 1: Don’t hide anything about yourself because there’s nothing to be ashamed about.”)

 

Seulgi writes words on Wendy’s wrist, kissing them in, where Wendy’s heart thrums in beats.

 

“I know we’re wrong – that what we’re doing, is wrong.”

 

She watches Wendy keep mute, confusion coloring her eyes.

 

Seulgi keeps going.

 

“And I wanted to keep being wrong, because I didn’t know how to be right. I convinced myself that I like being broken. That it’s okay to love myself a little less, for doing this, knowing it was wrong. It didn’t really matter to me as long as I could be with you.”

 

Wendy’s shifting closer, as if to hold her, feeling the way her hands reach for her face.

 

Seulgi holds them there, where she can rest her cheeks in soft palms.

 

“But I forgot that I love you more than the lies I like to listen to.”

 

“Seul?”

 

Seulgi smiles a little at the way Wendy stares up at her, caressing her skin, like she’s trying to memorize the way she’s disappearing.

 

She’s surprised she’s not crying.

 

“So thanks for trying to keep up with me. You were never much of a pretender, especially back then.” Seulgi laughs, the memory of her Wendy failing at even little white lies. “I think it’s about time we stopped healing wrong.” Seulgi taps Wendy’s nose, playful. “Right?”

 

Wendy always knew what was best for her.

 

Now it was her turn.

 

Seulgi smiles; for once, confident again, like suddenly she was the girl Wendy always told her she could be.

 

“I watched her disappear in your eyes. I'd like to think she'll come back – to surprise me for a second before leaving again. But I don't think I'll be able to handle having her for a moment just to watch her be gone again.”

 

They've been trying to make up for something in each other, replace a hole left too deep to fill: Wendy's was guilt. Seulgi knew hers was longing.

 

But that was poison and Seulgi would never allow a relationship with Wendy to ever be toxic.

 

“’I'll be okay if you're thinking of her when you tell me you love me too.‘“ Seulgi recites out loud, the words still managing to burn through her tongue. “But I don't think she would like that very much.”

 

It’s painfully clear in her own ears that she isn’t referring to the Wendy blinking up at her.

 

Seulgi laughs a little.

 

“She's always going on about what's best for me, taking care of me, being that kind and selfless sort of girl who I’ll always be in love with.”

 

Seulgi tucks a strand of auburn behind Wendy’s ear, memorizing how soft flesh feels beneath her skin.

 

She still feels the same, too – but she isn’t her.

 

Not anymore.

 

“…and now that she's not here to look after me, I think it's time I looked after myself. Like how she wanted me to all along, with lesson 1.”

 

Seulgi’s squeezing Wendy’s hands, a grip she’s giving one more time.

 

It’s spontaneous, Seulgi knows, how Wendy had a lapse in memory – a brief jog of their past flitting past her lips in that tone she always had; that mischief knotted in her voice like sewn wool.

 

It was nice to have walked back in memory lane, even for a second.

 

She loosens her clutches from soft fingers to cradle Wendy’s small wrists, untangling their skins.

 

“So no more pity parties for the both of us. Let's not be each other's charity case, okay?”

 

Seulgi lets her go.

 

And she doesn’t look back.

 

-

 

Joohyun always had a noble heart, but that also meant she was a prisoner in her own palace.

 

Joy never forgets that, so she won’t take her for granted.

 

The older woman is good at lending shoulders, great at listening in, and even better at drying eyes.

 

Joy makes sure to remember that too.

 

Though Joy's never been one to show she sheds tears, maybe one or two, but certainly not when someone is looking.

 

Joohyun's dried her eyes more times than she could count – and more than the older girl was actually aware of.

 

Not that Joy would ever tell her, though.

 

They were always wedged behind her eyelids, pooling at the base just waiting to spill like an overfilled cup of feelings she's not used to carrying.

 

Joy would let them sit there until they sink back into her skin, get absorbed between the pores of her flesh so it'd leave only puffy eyes and no trace of tears that could've trailed down past her cheeks.

 

She should've known Joohyun was going to break the dam apart behind her eyelids, to let them rise under words that triggered her more than Joy would've liked.

 

Joohyun's tongue has always been sharp against her butter feelings – in the best kind of way, of course.

 

Right now, they’re both in her room, looking for clothes for Joohyun to wear because she’s soaking wet and as much as Joy loves having a wet lady in her bedroom, she cherishes her carpet more.

 

Joy can’t have Joohyun washing her apartment and padding drenched feet all over the floor.

 

Though she knows she could spare the girl a towel – which she did of course, but Joy’s already used it so it proved to be pretty much pointless.

 

Tossing a shirt filled with creases (because she knows Joohyun dislikes them) towards the older girl, Joy makes sure she kicks a pile of Yeri's clothes beneath her bed when Joohyun's not looking.

 

She's going to have to scold her temporary roomie for the mess she's made, as well as have her repay her for keeping her little runaway a secret.

 

“Where's your iron?”

 

Joy's eyes sweep around her room as Joohyun fiddles with the wrinkles of her aquamarine, scanning for any loose ends that hints Yeri's stay.

 

“Lost it, unnie.”

 

She shoves Yeri's tube of lipstick into her shorts pocket when Joohyun stops sending her a withering look.

 

Joy almost scoffs at sighting Yeri's signature coffee mug of squirtle at the bedside table, groaning at the distance she must make.

 

So much effort just to keep a damn secret (of running away) – that isn't even hers.

 

“How do you lose an iron?”

 

Joohyun's patting down the aquamarine shirt, Joy's black sweats a size larger than her, making crinkles that pool over her feet.

 

“The same way you lose a matching pair of socks.”

 

Once Joy waddles carefully near the side of the bed, her hand whizzes across the platform, knocking over Yeri's squirtle cup to land on the mattress and flipping the corner of her green blanket to shield it from Joohyun's curious stare.

 

“How do you lose socks?”

 

Joy laughs, smoothing a hand over the sheets, spotting a purple that isn't hers, tucking Yeri's shirt to hide underneath it.

 

That girl is such a sloth.

 

“Oh you know, throw it into the washing machine, then dryer it, and voila – a matching pair somehow disappears in the middle of it and you'd only realize when you're folding clothes.”

 

Joohyun only hums, a thinking finger tapping against her chin.

 

Joy scowls when she sees Yeri's black work slacks.

 

Just when Joohyun is about to turn towards its direction, Joy dives to cover it, acting as a makeshift wall for pants that aren't hers, pretending to pose on her bed.

 

Joohyun is giving her this lost look, an elegant eyebrow arched as if to question: ‘What the hell are you doing,’ but Joy intercepts because she doesn’t want to hear it.

 

She’ll fish for a compliment so hiding hints of Yeri’s presence would actually be worth it.

 

“Tell me I'm y, unnie.”

 

Joohyun blinks at her.

 

“...Do you feel y?”

 

No, she wants to say.

 

In fact, she feels really, really, really, stupid right now.

 

All this effort of playing as a good friend for a bum of a friend who can’t-clean-up-after-herself, is exhausting.

 

“Only if I hear it from you.”

 

Stupid black work pants.

 

And why was she even bothering to be such a good friend to Yeri? She doesn't even clean up after herself.

 

Joohyun's lips curl upwards after a moment, a chuckle escaping her as she combs a hand through her hair.

 

“Sure, Sooyoung. You're y.”

 

Joy cackles at the compliment she's managed to squeeze out of Joohyun (though it hadn’t been hard at all), blowing a playful kiss in return, inwardly happy at the easy confession. 

 

She watches the older girl shake her head as she leaves the room, mumbling about getting the hairdryer for her wet hair and clothes.

 

Taking this as an opportunity to call Yeri and warn her about her ex-lover practically waiting ‘at home’, Joy dials quickly, pressing her cell against her ear.

 

When the line clicks open Joy can’t hide her glee.

 

“Hey loser,”

 

Suspicion is easy to hear in Yeri’s voice.

 

“What?”

 

“You coming back yet?”

 

A few shuffling cracks through, the sounds faintly similar of plastic – Yeri did say she’d go shopping.

 

“On the way, actually.”

 

Joy grins, hearing the hairdryer turn on in the bathroom; Joohyun managed to find it; though it wasn’t like the older woman didn’t know where it was already.

 

“Well, just so you know, Joohyun unnie is here.”

 

One,

 

Two,

 

Three beats of silence.

 

“...Wait, what?”

 

Joy’s already cackling in her head, amused at the tremor of both excitement and timid nervousness paint Yeri’s syllables.

 

She repeats it again for Yeri’s sake.

 

“Your ex is here—”

 

Then suddenly Yeri is spouting jitters, drilling her ear with panicked shrieks that Joy has to pull the phone away so it won’t blow her hearing out.

 

“Did she find out?! Did you tell her?!”

 

Joy’s plopping back on her bed, feeling her body sink into the mattress, rolling her eyes at her temporary roomie’s shriveling lips.

 

She could practically hear Yeri’s brain whir away at possible plans of avoiding Joohyun.

 

“No and no, though with your lack of faith in me I feel like I should.”

 

“Don't you dare—”

 

“Why are you even hiding from her? You said you two talked it out already.”

 

Joy’s used to the silence that comes along whenever she brings up Joohyun to Yeri.

 

The younger girl was always up for talking about her ex, but never the other way around, especially when they were questions instead of flashback rants.

 

Yeri’s voice is quiet, like she’s unsure of herself and Joy thinks that’s silly because out of all of them, Yeri’s been the most sure – in anything.

 

“We did. It's just...”

 

When she pauses and the silence drags on, Joy is scoffing, though she means no harm; Yeri always needed the extra push.

 

“I don't have all night, you know.”

 

Yeri’s laugh is weak and small. It’s so unlike her.

 

“...I'm afraid that seeing her would make me kiss her again.”

 

Four,

 

Five,

 

Six beats of silence.

 

Joy has to blink a sudden flurry of questions away just so she could have move again, shoving out words that she manages to put together despite the bomb surprise.

 

“...Wait, again?”

 

Joy notes the silence that filters through.

 

It clicks just as fast as the gut feeling she had when Seulgi couldn't look any more obvious with her stares at Wendy at their group date.

 

“When was the last time you kissed her?” She asks, finally putting a small bit of order in the chaos of questions she still has in her head.

 

Joy hears how Yeri tries to make it light, humor cracking through but Joy knows better.

 

“On your couch.”

 

She almost brings herself to yell at her, as well as call Joohyun over to interrogate because: how the hell did she not know this?

 

Joy’s about to screech out the older woman’s name to question her about it until Yeri speaks again, a tinge of affection so obvious on her lips.

 

“When Irene unnie was asleep and you left me with her.”

 

Oh.

 

Oh.

 

Oh.

 

clicks shut, Joohyun's name fading off from the tip of her tongue.

 

She's glad she didn't jump the gun entirely – that would've been a bigger mess to clean up and Joy wasn't fond of fixing more things.

 

She goes for staring at her fingernails, blowing a loose strand of hair out of her face.

 

Yeri’s not done though, her feelings suddenly transposed into a speech like she was prepared to explain herself. Joy’s a not-so-reluctant listener.

 

“I...thought it'd be okay, you know? A 'one last time' kind of thing.”

 

Joy hums, listening in to the way Yeri's shuddering breath comes out, shaky like she’s anxious – like she couldn’t believe she’s still going through this much longing for someone.

 

“But?”

 

“...But I feel like I'll keep making that excuse,” she hears Yeri shuffling with plastic, cutting crisp through the line; she’s probably fiddling with it to erase the nerves. “Until it turns into a reason.”

 

Joy is reminded of why she's such a good friend to Yeri.

 

Yeri likes to pretend she’s strong.

 

“I can't afford to want her more than I already do.”

 

Understanding pools across her mind, drowning away logic and reason of pointing out the obvious that Yeri's already way past that line – that Yeri’s voice is already screaming for Joohyun in the way she’d speak like she’s still kissing their memories goodnight before bed.

 

Joy settles for mute lips.

 

Spewing out loud what Yeri already knows is moot at this point (the younger girl was as sharp as her; they both just love to deny the inevitable as long as they could).

 

So Joy plays along instead, pretends she doesn’t hear Yeri is still in love with Joohyun, because she’s too used to their own denial game.

 

“So yeah, just wanted to let you know. Oh, and she's sleeping over.”

 

“What?!”

 

Joy snickers, yelling so her voice could reach through the sound of the hairdryer still screeching in her apartment.

 

“Unnie! You're sleeping over okay?”

 

Yeri’s already stuttering.

 

“Joy unnie, no—”

 

Joohyun’s voice pops in, breaking Yeri’s protest.

 

“Is that why you dragged me into the bathtub with you?!”

 

Joy’s already laughing at the opportunity and seizes it immediately, thinking fast.

 

“I just wanted to see you wet, Joohyun unnie!”

 

Yeri’s choking before she’s screaming and Joy has to pull the phone away again.

 

“WHAT?!”

 

Joy is cackling despite the shriek that pretty much made her ear ring at this point, loving the way she could feel Yeri practically seethe through the phone, her breaths huffing like a stuttering balloon.

 

“I'll just take your coat so I could go back home, Sooyoung.”

 

“We can share more than just clothes, Joohyun unnie!”

 

“Joy...” Yeri's growl is ferocious despite its low volume, formalities long gone. “...what are you doing?”

 

Joy’s already taking advantage of the fact that Yeri can only depend on what she hears.

 

“Unnie, that tickles!”

 

Joy squeals in pretend, chortling, vaguely hearing Joohyun's: “But I'm not even anywhere near you,” through the walls of her room as she listens in to Yeri's green voice.

 

It's obvious how the younger girl can't hear Joohyun's words over the phone, considering that the older woman had been rejecting her from the start.

 

Joy loves the fun that comes with it anyway.

 

“Joy that's my ex!”

 

She clicks her tongue, blowing off invisible lint from her fingertips, taking a moment to admire how slim and pretty they look. She should go for a cuter green next time.

 

Joy hears the hairdryer shut off.

 

“Yup. So hurry up so you can join us in our little fun.”

 

Yeri is sighing, rustling of plastic shooting through the line again.

 

“You're horrible. And no, I'll just find someplace else to stay.”

 

Joy raises a curious brow when Joohyun shuffles back into her room, watching her eyes widen before mouthing that she’s leaving, her hands gesturing goodbye.

 

The older girl was probably trying to be considerate, catching Joy that she was on the phone.

 

Joy mouths back an ‘okay’, preferring not to let slip that Joohyun won’t be staying over after all.

 

Listening to Yeri groan about it through the phone helps keep her mind off of things that barreled out for Joohyun to hear a few hours ago.

 

Shooing Joohyun with a hard slap on the back, her awkward way of saying ‘thanks for everything’, Joy throws a kiss at her before locking the door shut.

 

Slumping on the couch as Yeri continues to drill her ear with mundane things like a horrible customer at the store she had visited, Joy wonders if she should tell Yeri that Joohyun chose to go back home instead. 

 

“And he kind of reminded me of you, with his terrible personality, at least.”

 

...Nah.

 

Lifting her feet to rest on the arm of her sofa, Joy will take this one peaceful night alone as compensation for hiding Yeri’s presence from Joohyun.

 

“Right, so what else is new?”

 

Heck, maybe they'll bump into each other and hopefully, they'll all talk it out – whatever the issue is. If not, at least she'll get to hear two different versions of the same story.

 

Grasping the remote, Joy flicks through the channels on her little TV.

 

Now what horror movie should she sleep to?

 

-

 

Yeri’s not sure where to stay.

 

She had been spontaneous with Joy, that she could find someplace else to spend the night, but really, she just didn’t want to bump into Joohyun – she wouldn’t be able to handle seeing her right now.

 

She needed time to cool off from a kiss she had stolen, as tiny as it was (frankly, it was nothing to even worry about; the older woman would never know).

 

Kicking a pile of dirty snow off the sidewalk, clutching to the plastic bag with jittery fingers to stave off a little bit of the winter chill, Yeri wonders if she should just go home.

 

“Yeri?”

 

Jerking up at the sound of her name, she spots Wendy exiting a music store, locking the door behind her.

 

“Oh, Wendy unnie!”

 

At best, Wendy was someone she could make simple conversations with, even when she knew Wendy meant more than a mere roommate to a certain older woman.

 

It prickles at her chest a little, that tiny bit of green envy.

 

“Um, are you heading home?”

 

Yeri curls her hands behind her back, letting the plastic bag of new clothes bump against the back of her knees, humming gently.

 

She still remembers how Joohyun had named Wendy as ‘Home’ on her phone.

 

“Not really,” Yeri says softly, kicking white snow off frosted pavement. “I…can’t.”

 

Wendy is approaching her, touching her shoulder.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Irene unnie will be staying at Joy unnie’s place tonight,” Yeri curls a strand of copper behind her ear. “I…don’t really feel like seeing her. At least, not yet.”

 

She watches the way Wendy’s brows crinkle in confusion, like the words she’s said makes no sense to her.

 

“Joohyun won’t be coming home…?”

 

From the tilting sound of Wendy’s voice, like she’s suddenly lost, Yeri could tell she hadn’t known.

 

Yeri ignores how obvious affection is tattooed on Wendy’s lips, the mere mention of ‘Home’ having colored her tone with a care Yeri knew all too well; one that she still shares.

 

She attempts to shake off the hint of worry in Wendy’s eyes.

 

“Irene unnie will probably let you know soon,” Yeri says, bumping her elbow with Wendy’s. “She’s not the type to disappear without notice, after all. Like me.”

 

She jokes lightly, hoping to make light of the atmosphere, noting how the older girl’s shoulders seem to sag lower than it already was. Yeri’s had her fair share of bad days; she knows when someone is currently going through their own.

 

It wasn’t hard to spot puffy red in Wendy’s eyes.

 

Wendy has this look of understanding, her lips tied on mute, and Yeri is grateful.

 

“Then um, if it’s not too much to ask…” Yeri spins to look at her, tilting her gaze to catch Wendy’s soft smile. “…Would you like to stay over for the night?”

 

She considers the offer with surprise, knowing that she’s never once stepped into Joohyun’s new apartment. Yeri’s sort of curious how their living arrangements are like; whether Joohyun still has ordered chaos as a room, or still have purple as the color of her pillows and bed sheets.

 

Knowing that Joohyun won’t be there for the night, Yeri can’t see any harm in it.

 

Yeri grins, curling an arm around Wendy’s and tugging her close.

 

“I’ll keep you company for tonight, Wendy unnie.”

 

-

 

Joy has just finished brushing her teeth when her phone dings.

 

Jumping at the sound of a notification, Joy is grumbling from the brief shock, yanking it out of her pocket before slumping lazily against the couch.

 

(Can I come over?) 
Sender: Stupid monolid-smiling-moon eyes
Received: 10:26:20 PM
Received: 04/05/16

 

The text barely processes in Joy's head before her mobile dings again, another pop-up lighting the screen.

 

(I don’t want to be alone tonight.) 
Sender: Stupid monolid-smiling-moon eyes
Received: 10:26:28 PM
Received: 04/05/16

 

She should’ve never asked to exchange phone numbers on their group date.

 

Joy considers the pros and cons of having Seulgi around, in her home, in the same tiny space she breathes in.

 

She imagines Seulgi loitering about in her kitchen, exploring her room, to lounging on her sofa.

 

It'd just be the two of them since Yeri won't be here (and it wasn’t like the sleepover with Joohyun was even going to happen since it was a joke in the first place).

 

Joy types in her reply, the answer obvious.

 

(No.) 
Sender: Joy
Received: 10:26:39PM
Received: 04/05/16

 

It doesn’t take a minute until Joy's ears perk up at the three knocks that bump her apartment door.

 

Did Yeri actually bother to come back?

 

Huh. I guess she saw Joohyun unnie leave the apartment then.

 

She's already shaking her head, anticipating the shrieks and yells she'll inevitably hear.

 

Sighing, Joy’s already spewing words as soon as she turns the knob, wrenching it open so she won’t have to hear Yeri’s bomb of stuttering gibberish.

 

“Damn it Yeri, you better not tear my ear off with your—”

 

Joy's lips freeze up at the sight of someone who shouldn't be here – how did she even know where she lived?!

 

She watches lush lips open as if to speak but Joy reacts on reflex, faster than her mind could even fully process that yes, Seulgi is literally at her door.

 

Joy slams it shut.

 

“H-Hey! Joy!”

 

Seulgi squeaks, her voice muffled, a mixture of a shriek and yell which are ringing reminders that yes, she's real.

 

And she was actually here, at her door.

 

...Crap.

 

“How did you even find out about my address?”

 

Joy interrogates quickly, the question squeezing between gritted teeth, hissing at the fact that Seulgi was actually right on the other side of the damn door.

 

Seulgi sounds like a nervous wreck.

 

“O-Oh, um, I asked Joohyun unnie…”

 

Damn it.

 

Joy considers keeping her out there because she’ll have to leave eventually anyway; the waiting game was nothing new to her.

 

Just when she’s about to take her first steps towards her bedroom to call it a night, Seulgi’s meek voice presses through the door; like she’s barely hanging on, ripping at the seams.

 

“…I really don’t want to be alone tonight…”

 

Joy doesn’t realize she’s already making her fists go white until she’s raising her hand for the knob, staring at the way her skin is paler than normal; she’s even shaking.

 

She can’t believe she’s this nervous.

 

Twisting the metal open, Joy hopes the warmth in her heart won’t spill from her lips.

 

“Get in.”

 

Watching Seulgi shuffle past her, with a smile so brokenly grateful, Joy already knows she’ll be regretting this.

 

She just doesn’t expect Seulgi to already drop another bomb as soon as she enters her home.

 

“I broke up with Wendy.”

 

Joy pretends she’s not surprised, though it’s hard when drops and doesn’t seem to want to get back up, snapping it to a close with a sharp click right before Seulgi turns to look at her.

 

She coughs into a hand, playing nonchalant as she circles her kitchen table, attempting to create a distance between them.

 

Seulgi is a walking temptation – especially when she is as vulnerable as she sounds.

 

Joy won’t be her booty call.

 

“Why did you breakup with her?”

 

She’s grateful her words stay steady, like she’s not affected by the fact that Seulgi is slowly heading towards her.

 

Joy makes sure to keep moving.

 

“Because I feel lonely when she holds me.”

 

Seulgi has this smile that startles Joy; filled with an understanding she couldn't comprehend; like Seulgi suddenly knew how the world worked.

 

Joy keeps mum, listening to tragedy spill from tremor lips.

 

“I pretended not to notice. I mean, I've been pretending for so long, that lying became a part of me. So it shouldn't have been so hard, right?” Seulgi laughs, though it sounds more like a choked sob. “And then I realized: it got easier to lie to myself, but it got harder to lie to her. I couldn't do that. Not anymore.” 

 

Seulgi is looking at her, with this desperation for comfort in her eyes, like a plead had been written behind her sockets only to bleed out into her pupils.

 

Joy knows what’s coming next.

 

“Get out.”

 

“Joy—”

 

“You know I like you, don't you?”

 

She watches Seulgi step back, like she had just been hit.

 

“Y-You do?”

 

Joy is combing a hand through her hair, frustration lining her lips, coating her tongue to make sharp cuts across the air that is suddenly growing thicker each second.

 

She feels walls gradually close in on her.

 

“Why would I bother going to a stupid date if I didn't?”

 

“But I thought you said your friend set you up...”

 

Joy’s eyes snap to Seulgi, watching the way the older girl shrivels back.

 

“Yeah, well. I lied.” She’s already making her way towards the door, eager to remove Seulgi from her home. “Now get out because I'm not going to be your rebound.”

 

“Joy—”

 

She continues to plow through, her heart already drumming hard against her ears; Seulgi needs to leave.

 

Now.

 

“I'm not going to make you forget someone else, have you be happy for a split second, or even just for one night, because I'm that one-of-a-kind sort of girl who knows she deserves better than that.”

 

Joy’s already pulling the door open, jerking her head to usher Seulgi out.

 

But Seulgi isn’t moving.

 

“...You're all I ever wanted to be.” Seulgi mutters quietly, fiddling with her fingers. “And is that so bad? Being the one to make me forget – to be the one who makes me happy, even just for a second? Or for just one night?”

 

Joy's about to protest – scold her even, but Seulgi is giving her this resigned smile, like she's lost.

 

Desperation is pouring out of Seulgi’s lips like a broken faucet.

 

“I'm sorry, I just— I don't know, maybe...” Seulgi trails off, shrinking into herself, like the world had suddenly become too heavy to bear. “…maybe it's because I know you can make me laugh and all I want to do right now is laugh, you know? Is that so bad?”

 

Joy’s frozen by the door even when Seulgi takes her steps to leave, passing her by with a little nod and an unsure “Goodbye,” before the gears in Joy’s limbs finally respond, her head screaming at her to get Seulgi to stop.

 

Her hand shoots for Seulgi’s dainty wrist, fingers curling around delicate skin, tugging the older girl back just as she was about to be out of her reach.

 

Joy is huffing, blowing a strand of ebony out of her face.

 

“Come on. I’ll make you laugh to sleep.”

 

And the smile on Seulgi’s lips was the most beautiful she has ever seen.

 

-

 

“Here,”

 

Wendy says, plopping down a pair of sweats and a sweater for Yeri to wear, letting the materials coat the younger girl’s arms.

 

She doesn’t miss Yeri’s curious whisper.

 

“…These are Irene unnie’s.”

 

Wendy’s well aware that she was Joohyun’s ex.

 

But it didn’t take long for her to also know that Yeri still held feelings for the older woman, especially when Yeri had claimed that she couldn’t face Joohyun again.

 

At least, not yet.

 

She’s almost positive that Yeri wouldn’t be able to catch any rest unless she has a keepsake of Joohyun to sleep to.

 

Wendy knows she hasn’t been able to; not without Joohyun’s familiar scent of vanilla and lavender that thankfully still cradles her teddy bear.

 

It was far from the feel of Joohyun’s arms tied around her, but it was better than nothing.

 

“You’ll sleep in Joohyun’s room tonight, okay?”

 

“W-What?”

 

Wendy feels a smile crawl along her lips, curling auburn behind her ear.

 

“She won’t ever know. I’ll fix it up before she gets back, so you don’t need to worry.”

 

Yeri is looking at her with this gaze that speaks in volumes of pages that easily reflect the ones in her own heart – a novel made for one person.

 

It was no wonder Wendy had no qualms to offer Yeri a place to stay; they had written the same diary.

 

It’s just that Wendy also has one for another, too – which she still can’t remember the words to.

 

Wendy tucks the memory away, of how she had momentarily lost control of her own self – how her voice had been someone else’s to use.

 

It terrified her.

 

What if it comes back again and replaces her? Would she be gone?

 

Yeri is pulling her into a hug.

 

“Thanks, Wendy unnie.”

 

Wendy laughs, patting her back, pretending there’s nothing wrong – that her chest doesn’t feel like its walls are shrinking and crushing her lungs.

 

“What’s with the hug, Yeri?”

 

She feels Yeri hum, the warmth spreading into her skin, melding into her bones.

 

“You looked like you needed one.”

 

Wendy could already feel tears well up beneath her eyes, clutching at the back of Yeri’s jacket, holding on because suddenly she’s screwed up everything else.

 

She couldn’t make Seulgi happy. She couldn’t make Joohyun happy. She couldn’t make anyone happy – especially not herself.

 

But it’s not like she deserves it.

 

Wendy doesn’t know what to do anymore.

 

Like a ragdoll, her legs crumble; her face buried into Yeri’s shoulder and feels how the younger girl struggles to soften their fall, their knees landing onto the cold floor.

 

“U-Unnie?!”

 

Wendy barely hears Yeri’s startled call, only holding her tighter.

 

She’s at her limit.

 

The words Wendy’s kept in her head and heart for so long just come gushing through, like the switch had been shut off and the emergency hatch had been ripped apart, letting Wendy drown and be crushed under images she can’t live up to.

 

She lists their differences, one by one.

 

‘Seungwan’ and ‘Wendy’.

 

“…They talk about her like she always has happiness for a face, like she was strong and cool and calm and perfect. They hold her up like she never met the ground – like she couldn’t ever stoop as low. That she wrote the sun in people’s eyes whenever they hear of her, or see her – like she couldn’t ever be lost in the dark. All they seem to remember is how bright she had been that they can’t seem to realize she could burn out too.”

 

Wendy doesn’t notice she’s breathing through , puffing air out like she had ran away from everything that kept her back, fists shaking and lips in tremor because there’s still so much more she could say.

 

She could feel Yeri rub her back – a gentle presence from the flurry that keeps pouring through.

 

Wendy just wants to let it all out.

 

“…Everyone looks at me like I'm someone else. I try to let them know that I'm still here – that I'm right here, even if it doesn't look like it or if I seem to be different.”

 

She knows Yeri won’t understand – there was no context made for the girl, but Wendy just needs to let someone know.

 

Anyone.

 

Wendy bites back a sob, trembling against an anchor she never knew she could find in someone who loves Joohyun just as much – if not more.

 

“…I'm still me. I'm still here. Does that not matter…? Am I not good enough like this?”

 

And what if it comes back again? Will she disappear?

 

Yeri keeps hush, like she’s the calm quiet that comes after a crushing wave, and as much as Wendy seeks for an approval, she finds peace in Yeri’s silence.

 

But she still can’t help but make taps on her wrist, even when there’s no watch to tick the noises in her head away.

 

There’s still so much more she could say.

 

“So you’re what’s left.”

 

Yeri’s steady voice curls into her ears like a support column, the audio plaque dying down to a quiet thrum.

 

“W-What?”

 

She feels Yeri begin to draw circles on her back.

 

“You’re the one without happiness as a face, the one who isn’t strong and cool and calm and perfect. You’re the one who’s met the ground, been at your lowest. You don’t write the sun in people’s eyes when they hear of you or see you. You’re the one in the dark. You’re the one who’s burned out.”

 

Wendy hadn’t expected to hear her words be repeated back to her, with a shift in tone – a direction she’s never really considered; but somehow, she always knew it was there.

 

It was just that no one seemed to care about it; so Wendy tried not to, either.

 

“You’re the one this perfect person has been trying to hide from everyone else. And it worked.”

 

Wendy’s not sure how Yeri manages to understand her – manages to make order out of discord, especially when she never told her anything else except spouting jumbles of words she knows make no sense to the younger girl whatsoever, but she’s grateful.

 

She’s not surprised that Joohyun had loved her (maybe even still does – Wendy’s not sure).

 

Yeri’s amazing.

 

Wendy holds her tighter, her insecurities spilling through.

 

“…What if she was never supposed to be here? That if she were gone, then things would go back to the way it was supposed to be? That she came out only because there was an accident? That she became a mistake and if she could just go away then—”

 

But what would happen to me?

 

Yeri’s pulling back, gripping her shoulders, fingers digging into her coat that Wendy’s surprised Yeri has sparks going off in her eyes.

 

She listens to the way Yeri’s voice command authority – how reprimand bleeds past her lips, scolding.

 

“So everything she's experienced – everything she got to feel and hear and see and touch and taste – none of that matters because everyone else seems to prefer the person she used to be?”

 

Wendy is struck dumb.

 

Yeri is flicking her forehead, forcing Wendy to shut her eyes at the impact.

 

“Does that sound right to you?”

 

Yeri’s question makes all the noises go away.

 

Wendy’s finger stops tapping on her skin.

 

“Isn't that sad? She's letting everyone mold her into a picture of what they think is right – what they assume to be her, that there's not enough space left for herself.”

 

She watches the younger girl stand, feeling Yeri’s hands curl around her wrists, pulling her up like she was yanking her out of troubled waters – wrenching her out onto the surface.

 

Suddenly Wendy could breathe.

 

“She sounds like a collage of everyone else's ideas except her own. Does that sound right to you?”

 

At that moment, Wendy felt like the world was no longer on her shoulders – that for a little bit, she got to feel free.

 

A listening ear was more than Wendy could ever ask for.

 

She’s never felt more thankful as she does now.

 

“…Thank you, Yeri.” She manages not to cry – at least not too much, wiping off the specks that have pooled beneath her eyelids. “…You really know what you want, don't you?

 

Yeri waves a dismissive hand, snorting.

 

“I do. But I'm a hypocrite.”

 

When Wendy pulls away, confused, Yeri’s already heading towards the bathroom, like she doesn’t want to stick around for the conversation.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Yeri smiles over her shoulder, the curve on wistful.

 

“I don't follow my own advice because if I did, I'd still be with Irene unnie.”

 

Watching her disappear behind a closing door, hearing it click shut, Wendy wonders if she had imagined the trembling on Yeri’s lips.

 

When the younger girl emerges later, Wendy makes sure not to bring Joohyun up again.

 

They don’t talk for long though, casually bouncing around topics of mundane things on the couch, dodging the fact that they had poured their hearts out earlier (more so herself than Yeri).

 

As soon as the clock hits twelve, spotting Yeri yawn midsentence into her story about work, Wendy thinks it’s time for bed.

 

Patting her back, Wendy helps Yeri up.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning, okay? Stay for breakfast.” Wendy says once she’s shown Yeri Joohyun’s room, the younger girl dressed in familiar attire.

 

Yeri nods her head, a grateful grin on her face – so unlike the touch of regret she had seen earlier regarding Joohyun.

 

“Okay,” Yeri makes a tiny wave over her shoulder once she takes her first step into the room, wisps of vanilla and lavender already seeping through the air. “Goodnight, unnie.”

 

Wendy waves in return, stepping back slowly, Joohyun’s scent already filling her lungs with want.

 

“Goodnight, Yeri.”

 

The Joohyun never called to let her know she wouldn’t be home.

 

She ignores the disappointment welling up in her chest, recognizing that this must’ve been what Joohyun had felt that evening she had forgotten her goodnight.

 

This must be her payback.

 

Wendy spins to make steps towards her own room.

 

It’s okay, she thinks. She deserves it, after all.

 

-

 

Irene is sighing, shutting the door behind her with a soft click, noting the darkness that envelopes the apartment.

 

Dumping her boots by the door and hanging the coat on the rack, Irene’s eager to change into warmer clothes, to snuggle into the heat beneath thick blankets and sleep the exhaustion away.

 

At least Sooyoung felt better – or so Irene would like to think.

 

She remembers how the younger girl had a twinkling laugh before she left, her enthusiastic wave the final image Irene had before the door shut, accompanied by Sooyoung’s playful flying kiss.

 

Carefully, Irene shuffles through the plastic bags filled with food to place into the cabinets and refrigerator.

 

She hadn’t meant to take long at the store, but the lines were abnormally stretched out for an evening run.

 

She recalls Seulgi texting her while she waited in line, surprise having colored her lips to form a small ‘o’ at the vibration of her phone.

 

(Can you send me Joy’s address?) 
Sender: Seulbear :)
Received: 10:24:10 PM
Received: 04/05/16

 

Irene had been quick to reply, chuckling lightly at the contact name the younger girl had typed up for her during their first coffee-talk.

 

(I can. But why? Did you need to pick something up?) 
Sender: Bae Joohyun Irene
Received: 10:24:20 PM
Received: 04/05/16

 

She doesn’t remember Sooyoung ever mentioning having Seulgi over at her place. Maybe Sooyoung didn’t want her to know?

 

Irene had jumped at the vibration that came not a minute later.

 

(I just need to laugh tonight.) 
Sender: Seulbear :)
Received: 10:24:29 PM
Received: 04/05/16

 

Irene hadn’t questioned any further, understanding having washed over her completely, sending a quick text of Sooyoung’s address before shutting her phone to lock once she reached the cashier.

 

She had caught Seulgi’s ‘thank you, unnie’ before stepping out of the building and into the winter snow.

 

Irene had considered Sooyoung’s playful sleepover request, though it was obvious that she was housing one other person.

 

Sooyoung had tried to be clever; having caught the taller girl slide clothes around and beneath the bed and blankets when she thought Irene wasn’t looking.

 

Irene had spotted the squirtle cup as soon as she entered Sooyoung’s room.

 

She didn’t need to see more.

 

Irene would’ve laughed if she wasn’t so curious about the fact that Yerim was staying over – it seemed to have been going on for a while, even.

 

She tried not to snicker though, when Sooyoung had jumped to a pose on the bed from the corner of her eyes, attempting to hide the black slacks she remembered Yerim to have worn at work.

 

So out of pity for Sooyoung’s effort as a good friend to hide Yerim’s secret (it was obvious that it was a secret considering they were trying to hide it from her), Irene played along, masking her awareness with pretend ignorance.

 

(“Tell me I'm y, unnie.”

 

“...Do you feel y?”)

 

Irene chose not to stay when it was clear that Yerim was still hiding from her.

 

Yawning behind a hand, having placed the last item on the shelf, Irene stretches her arms before glancing at Seungwan’s closed door.

 

She’ll take a little peek to make sure Seungwan’s okay once she’s done changing out of Sooyoung’s wrinkled clothes.

 

Muffling another yawn, Irene heads for her own room.

 

-

 

Yeri shifts under the sheets at the feel of warmth combing through her hair.

 

She even hears the voice she's been listening to in her dreams call out to her, soft like cotton candy.

 

“Yerim...?”

 

Yeri's not quite sure where she is at the moment; she feels like she's molded in a cloud, secured in tender heat of blankets and a scent she's so used to associating with one particular person.

 

Blearily blinking through fog of slumber, Yeri rubs at her eyes to find Joohyun sitting close to her, a small smile painting the older woman's lips.

 

She's never had this kind of dream before.

 

It was always a movie reel of passing Joohyun by at mere street corners to walking down old memories of their shopping sprees together.

 

This feels all too real but it can't be. She's been avoiding her for so long – there would be no way she'd screw up now.

 

“...Yerim?”

 

This dream has Joohyun's voice down to a tee.

 

Yeri doesn't want to wake up.

 

Before she even realizes what she's doing, she's shooting up, curling desperate arms around Joohyun's shoulders and pulling her in for a taste of her sweet lips.

 

How cruel.

 

Even a dream has the right touch of her signature vanilla.

 

“…I love you,”

 

Yeri mutters against , warm and as soft as she remembers it to be, yanking her down so she could have Joohyun meld into her.

 

If only she had this much courage to tell her in reality.

 

“…I miss you,”

 

Yeri whimpers, slithering her arms to cradle Joohyun's face with trembling fingers, feeling the weight of Joohyun's hands press down on the mattress on either side of her head.

 

She's trapping Joohyun's upper lip between her own, this overwhelming urge to kiss her, to taste her more and more and more – Yeri's never realized just how hungry she's been for Joohyun.

 

Maybe this dream could make up for a reality she can no longer have.

 

So Yeri pulls her impossibly closer, hoping that she could have another night of Joohyun's promises and love and lets feral want claw off the buttons of the woman's grey jacket.

 

But then Joohyun's trying to pull away, her words mumbling against Yeri's lips, writing into hungry flesh.

 

“Yerim, wait—”

 

Yeri is laughing a little. To think even in pretend, Joohyun's still close yet so far.

 

She grasps at Joohyun's shoulders, curling fingers to keep her there, right where Yeri has always wanted her to be.

 

With her.

 

“Even in dreams unnie, you're still as stubborn as ever.”

 

“Y-Yerim—”

 

Joohyun's adorable stutter has Yeri grinning into the older woman's neck, inhaling that wisp of lavender she's always loved on her.

 

If Yeri hadn't known this was all her mere imagination, she would've mistaken this for reality.

 

“...I shouldn't have let you go.”

 

She's about to pull Joohyun in again, taste that vanilla painted on luscious soft lips, when Joohyun maneuvers to kiss her forehead instead.

 

Yeri blinks at the warmth etching across her skin, the words pressing in like a tattoo.

 

“...I'm glad you're finally being honest with me.”

 

It makes Yeri's head spin, the nerves of wires going on overdrive, turning the gears to let slumber haze finally ease off her mind's eye.

 

Suddenly she's remembering that she had bumped into Wendy, took the offer of staying at her apartment, that Joohyun was supposed to be staying at Joy's for the night—

 

No.

 

No.

 

No.

 

It can't be.

 

Yeri is curling fists against Joohyun's jacket, gripping her there, like she'd be the anchor to hold her from insanity.

 

This wasn't supposed to happen.

 

Yeri's not supposed to have told Joohyun any of that – that she still loves her, that she still misses her, that she shouldn't have left; Joohyun's not supposed to know any of that.

 

“Y-You're just a dream...”

 

“Yerim...”

 

When Yeri looks up, sees the way Joohyun stares at her with those eyes – those loving, caring, beautiful, eyes, Yeri clenches her teeth.

 

It can't be.

 

“You're supposed to be a dream. You're not—” Yeri is shutting her eyes, willing the picture of Joohyun above her to be mere sleep cloud; praying that it would be fake. “—You're not supposed to know, unnie!”

 

But Joohyun is curling her copper-red hair behind her ear, her touch grazing the skin so gently that Yeri knows it can't be just her mere imagination.

 

It feels all too real.

 

No...

 

“Yerim,”

 

With a force she's kept to herself of pent up frustration – at the world, at herself, Yeri shoves Joohyun off, hoping it'd take her away – that it'd erase every mistake she's made.

 

Yeri is already up, scrambling for the door.

 

She shouldn't have come; she shouldn't have accepted Wendy's kind offer – she should've figured that Joohyun would come back.

 

She had worked so hard to hide her heart from Joohyun.

 

“Yerim.”

 

Yeri tries to wrench her wrist free from Joohyun’s firm grip, wondering vaguely how the older woman could be so strong – or maybe she really wanted to get caught, be tugged back, and fall into her arms.

 

But she’s desperate.

 

“Unnie—!”

 

“I thought we cleared everything up already.”

 

Yeri stiffens when Joohyun circles around her, blocking the door, her face stern, but the softness in her eyes are still there – they’re always there.

 

She curls her hands into fists.

 

“We did.” Yeri’s brain whirs into overdrive, quickly coming up with a plan – any plan, to make an excuse for her earlier confessions. “I was just messing with you. I didn’t mean any of it, so don’t overthink it.”

 

“I’m not.”

 

“Good.”

 

“But you’re the one trying to run away from something you supposedly don’t mean.”

 

Yeri flinches, wincing back at Joohyun’s tender touch along her wrist.

 

She flicks it off, attempts to erase the heat that she has always found to be reassuring – her pillar of support.

 

Maybe her senses have heightened too much to catch even minute details, but Yeri hears the small creak of Joohyun’s door, almost mute, spotting Wendy innocently peeking through.

 

Yeri finds her perfect escape route.

 

“Don't try to fall in love with me again.”

 

Irene recoils, her expression scrunching up, as if trying to process the sudden change in topic, a frown lining her lips.

 

“What?”

 

Yeri continues on, derailing further – anything, to get away from explaining more of her treasured secrets; she’d rather hide them away until they all disappear.

 

It was working before, until she screwed up and had stolen a kiss.

 

Yeri needs more time.

 

“You don't smell like coffee anymore, unnie.”

 

Joohyun’s confusion is palpable on her face, how her brows have crinkled, her eyes attempting to scavenge Yeri’s expression for any signs of direction.

 

Yeri’s glad Wendy has chosen to keep quiet, undoubtedly listening in.

 

“…Because I’m not looking for you in it anymore.”

 

Joohyun’s voice is low, almost a whisper, but Yeri hears it as clear as a screeching speakerphone.

 

She hopes Wendy has heard it, too.

 

Yeri trudges on, fiddling with the sleeve of Joohyun’s sweater (that she can’t believe she’s still wearing).

 

“You don't smell like smoke either.”

 

Joohyun is running a hand through her hair, frustration lining the edges of her syllables, like she’s getting tired of going around in circles.

 

“Because I'm not trying to forget you anymore.”

 

Yeri hums, pretending she doesn’t feel regret poking at her chest, ignoring the prickles of pain for every word Joohyun makes that cements the fact that she’s no longer the one Joohyun thinks about.

 

She’s always known anyway. Ever since she’s found out that Joohyun has settled for calling Wendy ‘Home’.

 

Yeri wonders if Wendy even knows.

 

“Good. Don’t go falling in love with me again, okay?”

 

Yeri’s always been thankful for her skill of making detours in conversations – it’s why she has never stopped running; because it’s all she really knows how to do.

 

But Joohyun’s words make her pause, makes the gears in her head stop spinning, abruptly ending several ways she’s been conjuring up to escape.

 

She should’ve known that Joohyun’s blunt honesty would keep her to a still.

 

“You make it sound like falling in love with you was a choice I could make.”

 

Yeri’s not sure why calls out for her, but it does; an apology already dancing along her lips for toying around, beating around the bush, dodging Joohyun’s genuine concern for her just so she could run away.

 

Again.

 

“Unnie,”

 

But Joohyun's giving her this smile, small and wistful and understanding.

 

“Don't worry,” Joohyun knocks Yeri’s forehead with a gentle knuckle, a weak laugh spilling her lips. “Seungwan's all I see now.”

 

Yeri smiles to hide her wince, pretends that it doesn't hurt to hear someone else's name on Joohyun's sweet lips.

 

She spots Wendy’s mouth cracking open, her eyes widening in fractions, catching that spark of happiness coloring pools of brown.

 

Yeri remembers how sadness enveloped the shorter woman earlier and thinks, yeah, she deserves this moment of bliss.

 

She won’t ruin it.

 

“That's good to hear.”

 

It's all Yeri could say, turning around so Joohyun won't see how much her face betrays the lie on .

 

God, she’s such a hypocrite.

 

“But you’re staying over, okay? It’s late.”

 

Yeri’s too tired to argue, looking over her shoulder, feeling toxin poison her tongue to spill between her smiling teeth.

 

She convinces herself that she’s doing the right thing.

 

At least she has escaped having to explain herself.

 

“Don’t sleep on the couch. Share the bed with Wendy unnie tonight or else I’m leaving.”

 

Before she gets to hear Joohyun’s protest, how her lips have curved into a frown, Yeri hears the door screech further open, Wendy’s squeak cutting through the air.

 

-

 

AN:

 

It took quite a bit of time to find the right words to explain how each of them feel. I consider this one of the hardest updates to write, simply because it was more vocally emotional and I’m not good with having characters talk about their feelings so openly like this. But I’m glad we’ve reached this point in time where they are finally confronting their feelings – for the most part.

 

Hope you all have enjoyed this update. Until next time.