Hi.

I'm finally blogging hahaha. It's been 14 days which is the equivalent of 2 weeks. Now there's just 2 more weeks to go and yes, all this will be over. Hip hip hooray~ :D Although I've been learning a lot, well, let's just say that I get stressed a lot too. :/ I've gotten my term tests results back and sighs, they are terrible. I got mostly Bs and Cs which isn't that good. I even got a D as a grade for one of my papers. This is something that I've not gotten before so you can imagine the disappointment I have in myself currently.

Usually, blogposts like this would wound up in my personal blog but today I just decided to blog my feelings here because some of my friends actually scored much worse than me so I don't want to upset them further by ranting about my results. :( I just hate this feeling of feeling stupid or even dumb. I mean, pardon me, but if I can't even handle a syringe and needle right, how can I even work in my field of study?

Sorry Cassies for being emotional here. I'm just a little off the bend. I haven't fangirled in weeks and yes, it's killing me. I don't know what goes on most of the time now and my Twitter username @amejunk is now dead. I rarely tweet anymore. I'll blame it on school but I guess it's not entirely its fault. I'm just not in the mood for Twitter most of the time.

Anyway, on a happier note, yay! A reader apparently read one of my stories, Forget Me and said she's gonna translate it into Vietnamese. I'm so honoured when I saw that comment. Seriously... You can't even imagine the magnitude of my gratitude when you say you want to translate one of my works into your native language. I mean, it's not even that great! To think that someone will take the time and effort to translate that whole chunk of words just because she really enjoyed my fic is mindblowing to me. So thank you, xiahsu95. You didn't know it but you've just made my day and transformed it into a beautiful one. :)

While I'm still feeling horrible and upset due to school, I know I can't just stay idle and let my grades continue slipping. I'm already pretty bad at practicals. I can't afford to fail my theory. No matter what I do, I must give it my best right? And if I were to be honest with myself, I haven't really given it my all for the past few years. I guess it's time for a reality check. Gotta secure good grades for myself or I'll be part of the unemployed statistics out there.

Still, I'm really excited and can't wait for this semester to end cause that means I have more free time to update my fics and finish The Phone Call once and for all! :D All this fatigue, stress and moodswings just generate more ideas and inspiration for me to draw from. I am really thrilled about it. :) I can't wait to start on new writing projects too. I have a story in mind already. Can't wait to finish The Phone Call and begin writing it! :D

I've been writing bandfics for close to a year now and I would really like to try venturing into original story plots. I don't know if I can pull that off but I want to try and I definitely want to create a new 'Jaejoong' character and a new 'Yunho' character for myself. I have lots of ideas running through my head now and I can't wait to get started! (once exams are done, of course)

Asianfanfics always makes me so happy and I'm so glad for the readers and friends I have found here. Whenever I feel down, I just need to look at the number of friends and subscribers I have here and I'll smile to myself like an idiot. Asianfanfics is a place where I can shed off all my armour and just freely express my feelings without getting judgement. I can post my stories up and bask in the feelings of freedom, expression and beauty.

I have never thought much of the stories I have written, even till now. It's encouragement from you readers that spurs me to write on and not give up. For that, I thank you from the deepest bottom of my hearts. If not for you guys, I wouldn't be as happy as I am today. Really thankful for Asianfanfics here. :) You guys are amazing and awesome~~ ^^

I thank DBSK even more though. Yunho, Changmin, Jaejoong, Junsu and Yoochun, thank you for being you. Thank you for being so awesome. Thank you for being an inspiration. Thank you for being my motivation. Thank you for perservering on despite the tough challenges you have faced. Thank you for staying strong. Thank you for holding on. Thank you for producing good music. Thank you for being such perfection. Thank you for being DBSK. Thank you.

I don't know if this stays true for you guys but for me, there's always this one song in their albums that speaks to me at the point of life I am at. For me, the song that immediately gripped my heart and cause me to start bawling was their song, Rise, from their 10th anniversary album, TENSE.

It's a really uplifting song and the lyrics are so meaningful it just makes the song more beautiful than it already is. I've linked the song above so if you haven't heard the song, go hear it!! It is AWESOME! Awesome is, in fact, an understatement. It's beautiful. I don't really like songs about love, to be honest so Rise was one perfect song for me! (I like love songs like Love In The Ice if you get my meaning here. I like songs that have beautiful lyrics. Lyrics are more important to me than the tune itself. :))

Beautiful song, isn't it? :)

I just love how DBSK never fails to be an inspiration and motivation in my life. Is it same for you Cassies out there too? :) I really never regret falling in love with them. ;D They really do make me happy. Heeheehee. Thank you our lovely Dong Bang boys. Thank you once again!~

So that's it for the 'emotional' blogpost. Something like this won't happen again haha. If it does, it'll be in the form of a story! ;D In fact, why don't I do it now? XD Well, here goes nothing... (just a drabble since I don't have much time.)

Drabble: Reflections

Mirrors are said to reflect a person, to display whatever that is within. I find the concept ridiculous. A mirror cannot show how beautiful you are. It cannot show the essence of your soul. How can the mirror then claim that the reflection is the exact replica of you? How can the reflection be you when it is without a soul? How can the mirror capture something that is unseen? It is absurd and the logic is flawed. Yet the sales of mirrors continue to skyrocket; people never noticing the senselessness of it all.

 

It is the mirror that I see every morning, the same image that greets me as a new day begins. I hate that face. My eyebrows are too hairy. My eyes are too small. My cheeks are huge with excess fats I can never seem to rid off. The skin on my face is rough with pimples marring it like huge volcanoes exploding on the surface of Earth. Everything I see in the mirror, I hate it. My reflection is my weakness and my strength is hidden behind a mask of pretense. The water slides off my face in one smooth fluid motion and a tiny puff of breath escapes my lips. The tap water is still running but my face is void of expression. My eyebrows are furrowed and my eyes are squinted as the image in the mirror shrinks. My reflection haunts me. No matter where I go, it follows. I will never be rid of it.

 

"Jaejoongie, what are you thinking again?" 

 

Your voice travels through the air and reaches my ears, a sweet deep timber that pleases me and sends chills down my spine. My heart starts racing and sweat drips down my brow. Soon, in a matter of seconds, you will reach me and I know, you will sense my discomfort and question it. I will not say a word though. The issue with my reflection has always been a secret of mine. It is buried within the deepest depths of my heart. No amount of courage and strength will bring it out of me. It is a burden I am meant to carry alone and I will gladly bear it till the end of my life. 

 

You will not know. You shall not know. My reflection is a secret and a secret it shall stay. I shudder to think how you will react once you learn of this. Will you love me as I am or will you hate the reflection you see in the mirror everyday? Will you see the reflection as Kim Jaejoong or will you see the soul within the shell and recognise it as me? Will you be disgusted by the reflection outside that you fail to see what is beneath? Will you fear me as many others did? Will you tuck your tail in between your legs and run from me?

 

"I see nothing, Jaejoongie," you whispered into my ears as I felt you enveloped your arms around me, "I see nothing but the heart of the man that loves me."

 

Your heartbeats resonate around us and I can feel it pulsating regularly. It did not increase with the speech you made nor did it decrease. That should be a sign that you are speaking the truth but even so, I simply cannot bring myself to believe you. How can you not see the edged scars on my face and the dreaded pimples that cover every surface of my smooth skin? You tell me you love me but how can it be when I cannot even find anything in me to love me?

 

A tear slides down my cheek and I brush it away feebly. I could continue spinning lies about the difference between the reflection in the mirror and me but I know, I am just lying to myself like the countless times I did before. In truth, it is not the reflection that I hate but me.

 

I hate me, but I hate myself even more for tricking you into falling in love with me. 

 

Still, you cared not for what I am feeling inside. You merely brushed the incoming tears away with the tip of your fingers and rested your head against my shoulders. I am the trembling figure in your arms, yet you seem to lean more on me for support than I do. I must have looked up to you in puzzlement for that was when I heard you say, "For every time you insult the reflection in the mirror, Jaejoongie, you hurt me. For the top most important thing this mirror reflects in you is me."

 

And suddenly, with that statement, it is no longer one that is crying whilst hugging but two. I feel your tears moistening the back of my shirt as your arms around me tighten. The wetness of your cheeks against my back astounds me and the tears that fall on my skin stuns me. You never did like to cry but for me, you did it. You allowed yourself a moment of weakness that was shown exclusively for me. You shed all your lines of defences just for me alone. In that instant, as I looked up into the mirror, the smile that I wore was genuine as I appreciated the image before me; the reflection of you holding me...

 

"Inside of me, you are there."

 

The smile on my face widened as you whispered that in my ears once more, the image I once abhorred now transformed into an epitome of love.

 

The End.

So, hope you like this weird drabble of mine on reflections haha. :D Thanks for being awesome as always. :D 

Your crazy PMS-ing author

amejunk

P.S. If the last line ever does sound familiar to you, it is because I looted it directly from the famous YJ drama that everyone knows: Dangerous Love. :)