Ambivalence (EunHae Ver.)
Title: Ambivalence
Characters: EunHae
Genre: Angst, Romance, Drama
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Because Donghae is cheating and Hyukjae knows it.
Disclaimer: Story based on Suzanne Finnamore's Split: A Memoir of Divorce
Note: This is originally a KaiSoo fic. Inspired by Kahit Di Mo Sabihin by Juris - No available English trans but it's basically about someone who sees/feels/knows her lover doesn't love her anymore, and she knows the relationship won't be heading anywhere but she refuses to let go. :(
Actually, the first time I made this I was listening to that song with http://www.rainymood.com in the background so i was, really emotional then, ahahaha XD
ambivalence. (n.)
-Uncertainty or fluctuation, especially when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.
I was never a fan of the word but now it seems to sum up my everyday life.
It's eating me up. And I know there could come a day that I will burst.
Jongwoon-hyung never failed to remind me, Siwon even smacked me on the head.
Perhaps it's true, what my friends presume.
I might be really stubborn and at some point masochistic but whenever I open my mouth and says to myself that 'This is it, this is the right time Hyukjae, go drop the bomb.', I come to face thousands of uncertainties and questions and then there's that foggy future I'm so scared to be in.
Perhaps it's the fog, the fact that I don't see what awaits for me if I do this, but then the sane and non-delusional part of me screams I perfectly know what's ahead.
And I don't even want to think about it. I couldn't bear, couldn't bring myself to picture it.
Perhaps it's cowardice? Foolishness?
"You're the world's biggest idiot, you deserve an award-- ah no. You deserve a ing monument!", Siwon always say.
There are two options, drop the bomb and face The Big Explosion or keep it in and have myself be forever tormented with its ticking.
I should have pick Option 1, Siwon pleads for me to pick Option 1 and people in their right minds will pick Option 1 but..
I don't want to. And I guess Siwon's right about me deserving a monument.
I want to tell him but I fear the consequences and I know I won't be able to handle it.
It hurts to pretend I'm blind to everything when it's waving right before my face but.. there's no other choice. There is. But most of the time I like to think there's none.
Ambivalence.
Ambivalence is my new best friend.
I want to hug him.
I want to reach for his hand and tell him no, I don’t want you to go, stay and let’s cuddle the night away just like how we used to do. The urge to grip on him tightly and keep him still is so inviting I want to go for it but as usual, my body is as bullheaded as I can be and refuses to listen to what my mind is instructing it to do so.
Can’t you just stay? “Okay. Take care of yourself then.”
He nods, placing a kiss on my cheek and I ignore the fact that even though he’s close he seems distant. I tried to laugh at the irony but I think fooling even myself would be too much.
I know you’ll be long. “Will you be long?”
The knowing look in his eyes is piercing, and it wounded me and I’m bleeding.
"I am, so don't wait for me."
"It's okay, I have nothing to do tomorrow anyway." I can wait forever and I won't really mind.
"Hyukjae."
Perhaps it's because of the way he gazes at me, those wide orbs screaming pity, or is it a silent plea for me to stop what I'm doing? Maybe it's both. But what hit me is the fact that he just sounded so foreign.
It's ridiculous. Because had always call me with my name, not with an endearment or a silly petname like Siwon has for his 'Kiyu'. It has always been just my name, just Hyukjae.
But now it felt different.
And this isn't the first time I feel that way.
"It's okay. You go ahead and enjoy the night with your high school friends." I wish when you're with him you at least think about me.
"I-I.. I may not come back tonight and.."
"Oh alright. And then I'll just prepare the breakfast tomorrow, is there anything you want? I'm sure you'll be hungry after the party." I can't even remember the last time we ate together.
"Hyukjae, I--"
"Yes?" Don't say it.
"I.."
"Is there something you want to say?", I don't want to hear it.
"N-No.. no, I'll just.. go ahead.."
He left dragging his feet. A part of me deems it's because he doesn't want to leave, but it's been months and the scene has been repeated over and over the controversion gets pretty tiring. I know the cause of the heavy footsteps is not because he's against the idea of departing, but because he's been so ready to walk away but he can't for the reason that I'm not letting him go. I'm aware of the quiet request, of the nonverbal appeals to raise the white flag, give up the ship, kiss him goodbye..
And I want to. But at the same time I don't.
The uncertainty is suffocatiing.
There are times, especially those like now, when I watch his retreating figure and wonders what time he'll be back, that I'm so captivated of the idea of giving up. It seems easy really, all I have to say is I know it and he'll do the rest. Maybe he'll apologize? Utter some bull reasons about him being at fault and I deserve someone better. A farewell kiss maybe? And then he's gone from my life and there's nothing to worry or be uncertain about.
But then, the same time I've arrived at the conclusion of dropping the bomb is the same time the questions come piling up. What will happen now? What's left to do? What awaits for me? The hazy future becomes clear and I know I should be happy but I'm not. Knowing the fact that once the mist clears out, it'll be empty. And he'll be nowhere in sight.
I can't afford it.
I'm quite dubious if it's because I just fear of being just by myself, or for the reason that I really don't want him to leave me, but all I know is that lonely future isn't something I want to be in.
I'd rather have the fog.
I'd rather pick the uncertainty.
Because at least there's a tiny fickle of hope that somewhere in the haze he's there.
And I'm not alone.
I'm hurting.
And I'm tired being hurt.
But I just can't let go yet.
I can't let go.
"Can I hug you?"
I want to congratulate myself really. It's the first time I voice out what I really want to say and it felt good. Yet at the same time it's bothersome, because I don't know how will he react. He won't push me away, nor blatantly tell me to off. No, Donghae doesn't have the heart to do that.
"Sure.", he answers, after that what seems to be a minute of probing gaze. He opens his arms and like a toddler yearning for his mother's embrace, I rush to him, enveloping him in my arms and the thought that I can't recall the last time I did this aches.
"Can I stay like this?" I won't let go even if you tell me no.
"Sure."
It's not the same.
It's not as tight as it used to be, not as warm as the one I'm familiar with.
It's not like those days when just a hug from him brings me comfort, but rather, all I feel now is more doubt, more ambiguity and then realization hit me that this actually clears everything.
The fog is dissipating languidly, the change of his embrace clearly indicates the change of his feelings, and it's sweeping away the haze and I hate it. No. I can't bear for it to go away so, no. No, I won't let go.
He grips on me suddenly, holding a little more firmly and there's the faith that this must be him trying to hold on. It must be. But I know the grasp sends out the message I refuse to acknowledge from his sorrowful gazes.
'Please let me go.'
No.
No, I won't let go.
"We're in the usual, we save a seat for you so you better go."
"I'm not in the mood Siwon."
"Oh don't be a sourpuss, and it's not like you have anything to do. Come on, I'm sure Donghae wouldn't mind."
I decide to brush-off the glaring mockery, repeat it once more that I don't want to go, but Siwon keeps on insisting and I fight the drive to end the call for the very reason that Siwon is my friend, one of the few who had stick with me even if I deserve every right to be abandoned.
"Please Jong, it's not everyday Ryeowook's celebrating his birthday."
"Of course, birthdays only happen once a year." And that's when I am actually reminded that it's Ryeowook's birthday, ignoring Siwon's 'Exactly my point!' on the other line.
The thing is, from the very day the ambivalence starts, the very same day the mist begins to cloud my vision, I somehow lost track of time. I don't even know what day today is, or if I forgot someone's birthday yesterday, or the day before that. None of it matters because all I really remember is waiting. Just waiting. Endless waiting from the time Donghae vanishes from the door to the moment he'll appear again. I already have an impoverished affinity with the present. For most of the time I abide for Donghae's return, I spend it reminiscing of our past.
Back when the hugs are as tight as I used to know, when the kisses are as sweet as the morning greetings, when he says my name in that tone I fell inlove with.
"Please Hyukjae?"
It's Ryeowook, with Jongwoon-hyung, Kyuhyun and the very loud Siwon muttering in the background. I don't even remember the last time I've actually hang out with my friends. Oh I know. The last time was Kyuhyun's graduation one and a half month ago, Siwon has been too pushy regarding my problems and I punched him, I'm actually surprise he took the initiative to call me.
I guess I owe that much to them.
That even though I'm the hardest person to deal with at the moment, they're willing to put up with me.
An hour's enough maybe? Yeah, I think that'll be enough.
I'm succesful not to ponder on the kicking thought that it doesn't matter if I'm out for two more hours or I don't know.. the whole evening?
Because Donghae wouldn't mind.
"I'll be there in ten minutes."
" you Siwon."
I can actually feel blood rushing to my veins, angry and pulsating, ready to burst out in any minute as I hope glares could kill.
Siwon remains expressionless, poker face as he gazes straight back at me.
"I told you this is a bad idea Siwon.", Kyuhyun utters, getting in between me and his of a boyfriend. There are people around, which is not surprising since this club's famous for its unforgettable night after night splurge, and I know I would probably make a scene once I dare to kill Siwon right there and then but I guess I wouldn't mind. Oh no. Yes I would. I will kill him. But not here. Definitely not here.
"What? This has to end once and for all. I'm tired of this stupidity.", the er answers and I thought I just lost it.
"You listen to me , you don't have a say in my life. I'd do what I want and get your ing self out of it.", It comes almost close to a snarl, cautious enough that it won't capture notice, my face inches away from Siwon as I opt to threat. But he remains unmove.
"It has to end Hyukjae! Can't you see? He's with someone else and--"
" you.", A hush warning. "I'm going now.", I state, ignoring the fact that Ryeowook is just standing there and I didn't even greet him, and that I might have indirectly severe ties with my friends, especially my bastard of a best friend Siwon, but all I could think of is the need to leave. I have to leave. I should have known coming here and leaving the confines of our apartment is not a good idea. I should have stayed, wait for Donghae like I used to and not standing here and--
"Hyukjae."
It's Jongwoon-hyung.
Of all people, it's just have to be Jongwoon-hyung.
He calls me way too loud, obviously on purpose, same time the DJ turns the music off for what I could only guess as Jongwoon-hyung's message for his birthday boy.
He's on the stage, with the microphone, with everyone's attention on him, calling my name.
I refused to turn around. No. I don't want to. No. Just please.. no.
"Hyukjae is here."
If I could run I would, the door seems to be close enough and I could just break into the crowd and gets away hopefully unnoticed.
But ing Siwon just has to hold me.
"Stop it.", It's a plea.
"No Hyukjae, it's you who has to stop."
"Get off."
"Hyukjae.", Ryeowook tries to interject.
"Get off." Please.
"Siwon, I really think this is not a good idea--"
"No! This is the best idea we came up with and it's actually a shame we only had the guts to pull it off now! We've always seen them together every night--"
"Get off!" No. Stop. I don't want to hear it.
I need to go home. I need to be back. I need to stay in there and wait for Donghae's return. I need to reach the door. I need.. I need..
"Hyukjae."
The familiarity strikes and I almost cry. I somehow die inside with the truth that out of all the things I'm craving for even the slightest hint of cognizance, it has to be this. I remember this tone. It's the same as when he calls my name and quietly tells me to stop pretending I am okay when my dog, my very first best friend, died. It's the soft voice that cracks imperceptibly towards the end. It's the same inflection whenever he has to leave and say goodbye.
Goodbye..
"Hyukjae.", I'm not actually sure how it happens, but maybe it's the fact that it's his voice that is calling me that I turn around and find him, hand in hand with a boy with a charming face and bright eyes.
"Hyukjae. This is Kibum."
I realize, pretending nothing happen would be futile. Donghae's waiting for this, and now that my jackass of friends give him the chance, he wouldn't let it slip away. Somehow, it comforts me that he still went home with me, although I know that if I'll be honest with myself, he came for the purpose of explaining, maybe? I don't know. Could be. To finally call it off and walk away like he had been wanting to for so long.
"How could you do this to me?"
Perhaps it's the question that has been lingering at the back of my mind ever since the day the ambivalence starts. It has the same effect as all the other things surrounding this ambiguity. I want to know. But at the same time I don't. Because I know it'll hurt.
"I.. I'm a bastard Hyukjae."
True.
Although I want to say that no, you're an angel Donghae. Because he is really and the five years of being with him gives me enough reasons to justify my words. But he cheats on me. He sees someone behind my back and that's not something angels do. But that doesn't change anything. That doesn't answer any of my sentiments and it certainly doesn't count as an acceptable reason as to how could he do that. He's a bastard? I am too! And especially Siwon! Is being a bastard culpable enough?
"I sort of.. fell out of it. Like I want to be in another place, meet new faces, see new worlds.. other than you and.. us and.."
Maybe it is. Maybe I don't really need to hear the rest when his first words clearly states the summary of this all. He fell out of it. He loses grasp of this love, or is it my fault that I failed to hold him a little more tightly? The pain is spreading like wildfire and it's eating me alive. It pricks, pummels, stabbing and squeezing the life off of me.
"I don't know Hyukjae..I don't know, I'm sorry."
He's crying and I can't find it in myself to comfort him the way I really want to because really, that would be too much. I send him out, even before I could say harsh words I am most certain I'll regret.
His footsteps are hurried, but one thing I manage to notice, they are light. Easy and abate, and although I am the one who tells him to go, the view of his retorting back and the thought it'll be the last time I'll ever see that makes me scream.
'No! Come back! Don't leave me! I need you.. I.. I love you.'
But of course the words are all just in my head.
The first time I actually feel I exist is a week after he left.
Siwon and Jongwoon-hyung come over and they force their way in, literally, as Siwon obviously ripped off my door knob with whatever tool he has. I couldn't care less. They could burn this entire apartment down and I would happily blaze with it.
", you're freaking suicidal, we're actually surprise you're alive!", Siwon howls, Jongwoon-hyung quietly picking up the trash and sighing on how wreck the place is. Pathetic, I am. I know.
"Let's get you breathing some fresh air! Everything in here smells Donghae and it sure won't help you."
I'm supposed to kick, punch, struggle out of their hold, but surprisingly, I let them take me away. I figure there will be no sense in fighting. What is there to fight for? Be it on the couch of my apartment where Donghae's scent still crawls in every corner, or the world outside where seas of unknown faces pass me by, it doesn't matter.
I'm still broken.
Watching people, I wonder if the high school guy in uniform is running because he's late for his date with his girlfriend, or if the couple holding hands are celebrating their first month together or just reconcile for a petty quarrel with each other. And then in the midst all of it, I wonder if I'll find someone like me, shattered and wounded, unable to move forward because there's nothing worth the anticipation will be found in there.
The fog is gone. Completely, absolutely gone. It's as clear as I had once imagine it will be and.. empty.
He's not there. He will never be there.
I am angry, but not to the point of homicidal. Although, I admit, there are times that I hope that I can inflict even the slightest bit of pain I am feeling on him. I want to hurt him, make him bleed, kill him in the same way he killed me. But concurrently, the image of seeing his face again, brings me to the deprivation of being in his life again. Of him being a part of my future. Because really, my future doesn't exist if there's no Donghae.
It's funny. He's gone but the ambivalence still lingers.
I don't think of him as the devil, or any forms of evil because Donghae isn't. It's simply that, he isn't. But he's also not the angel I used to refer him as. Because angels don't break you. I couldn't fully hate him for the reason that I loved him, still love him, and maybe he still loves me but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not enough for him. I swallow his reason that he doesn't know. Because I myself doesn't know why I still wait for him all those times I was, even when I know he's in the arms of someone else. I don't know why I still held him in my grasp when he's excruciating to set free. Yes I love him, but I already know by that time, albeit the ambiguity, that the efforts are pointless. Then why did I kept on holding? I don't know.
Perhaps I'm waiting for a miracle.
But he left.
Miracles don't exist.
It does.
Exactly three months after he left, with me hanging out with my my friends, with the few pieces of myself I managed to put back together, I hear Kyuhyun speaks.
"Donghae and Kibum called it quits."
The pregnant silence isn't really helping.
"That's not really necessary.", Siwon tells his boyfriend as he sips on his beer.
"I know. I just thought.. you guys want to know.", Kyuhyun says quietly and doesn't speak afterwards.
The alcohol suddenly tastes bland. And so is the food. The beats aren't as electrifying.
"He mentions he misses you."
"Jongwoon-hyung!", Siwon hisses.
"We saw him the other day. He's as crush as you are that afternoon we took you out."
"Jongwoon-hyung, shut the up. Hyukjae, you listen to me. He's out of your life and now he's suffering because he just realized he's big of a ing idiot for letting you go. Please be wise enough not to fall in his trap again. He's not worth it."
I nod, but everything starts to turn hazy as the mist starts to cloud my vision again.
"What are you doing here?"
He doesn't answer, he just grips on his suitcase tighter, brave enough to look at me as he waits for what I'll say, do.
It's two in the morning, I am barely sleeping when I hear the door rings. It's him. Donghae. He's back with his luggage and the mute words for me to take him back.
He lost weight. That I can tell with the way his used to be slightly puffy cheeks hallow, his complexion paler than what I remember. Was he sick? Did he died the same way I perished? Pain. I still feel pain. I'm still beyond reparable and his appearance thickens the mist, because I am left, once more, with the uncertainty if I am ready to welcome him back in my life again.
Ambivalence.
It's never ending.
"I think you still love me, I can see you do.", I start and he listens. "But that doesn't change the fact that you broke me but I am not blaming you because I believe I'm at fault too. I wasn't enough for you." He tries to speak but I won't let him. "I'm not mad anymore, I was but.. I'm not anymore. All I feel now is.. pain. A lot of it. Everyday I thought, 'This couldn't get any worse than this.' But the next morning, I'll surprise myself because it just hurts more. I thought I've already known how much it would hurt, but I was wrong."
He's quiet. He's crying.
I want to believe he shares my pain.
"I want to take you back. God knows I want to, Donghae. I still love you. But I'm still on the process of picking up all the pieces, become better, so I would be enough for you."
He's crying. Tearing up for me and I know.. he's hurting, if not as much as I do.
"Enough for us. Enough for me to love the both of us so that you won't worry if you fell out again, because my love will be more than necessary for you not to leave me."
I know he won't leave this time, or I could only hope.
I kiss him and he kissed back, shivering under my hold, his grip as firm as I recall. For a moment, I want to make myself believe.
"Hyukjae."
He's back.
Donghae is back.
As I close the door of the apartment, with his damp face and faint smile, it's clear that it's his turn to do the waiting.
No one knows for how long, I myself is quite uncertain.
Ambivalence.
It's never ending.
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY GUYS :D
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