how to adapt in society

 

ive been feeling pretty down lately. the only thing that is keeping me going is someone i love dearly , a family, who just recently passed away this week. he is really young. only 16. he was someone with a dream. it hurts me that he couldnt live to reach his dreams. and that's the only thing keeping me going, to fight through my depression and unwillingness to live, because i want to live for him and reach his dreams for him because he was unable to do so. he was not given enough time to do it. 

 

although i know i cant fight and defeat my depression entirely , i want to try. i dont want to die just yet. the feeling of wanting to die is still there especially since im always in after , my life has always been ty, i was always given the backburner, always a second choice, always someone's left overs. how do people expect me to be just fine and ok after all that. i cant be happy anymore because whenever im happy for only a few minutes or an hour, my happiness will instantly been taken away with some other i have to go thru bc its thrown at me. it to live like this. i just want to live for at least a week, without any worries, any kind of sadness, i just want to be happy because i dont remember how it feels like to be happy again

 

my depression literally started because of the death of my grandma and it WORSEN when my granddad also died. it's hard for me to go thru. other people think its no big deal, which hurt me even more. whenever i am standing, there is no support, no comfort, people tell you to get over it and move on. thats why i shut my feelings off from being visible to anyone. i dont have any friends in result of that. at uni , i am all alone. i dont mind being alone bc i hate being in company where i dont belong, it suffocates me but sometimes in a big crowd, i feel like i am so alone its starting to affect me so much that in this big world, im nothing but a lonely creature wanting to be loved and comforted. 

 

i am grateful for the song jonghyun wrote "breathe" bc the lyrics is everything i want to hear a person to tell me. and whenever i have a hard time i alwasy listen to it to ease my heart. id like to think at least i have "someone" who supports me altho not physically. my heart feels heavy everyday. i have no one to talk to. to confess.  i just want comfort. consolation that im not alone. but who am i to do so? i dont want to burden other people with my own problems. its a fight between me and my own demons. i am just scared, i wont be able to take it. im scared of letting people down. that i am not and cant be who they want me to be

i find peace in writing altho im not exceptionally good at it. it helps me escape from my problems, i get to live another life. i get to have "friends" i dont have in my life. but these days, as much as i want to get back to writing. i just cant. i feel so demotivated . unwell. sad. 

its not helping that i just finished a drama, and i got post drama depression because i am so attached to the characters and maybe somewhere along the drama, i wished the girl was me. when the drama end, its as if , my life as her ended as well and im back to cold reality. it to live like this. even my business is not doing well these days and its taking a toll on my motivation too. it feels like nothing is workng for me in this life. some people i see, doenst need to work as hard as i do to succeed yet i have to work so hard to get a lil bit of exposure yet people still dont see it

 

how am i supposed to be positive when every single time, nothign goes my way. its sad. i wonder why LIFE hates me so much. 

i was bullied in school, i was never the bully. yet its as if i am the one being punished isntead of them, who put me thru misery. 

they are doing so well now but i am not. 

isnt this a valid reason enough for my sadness. im not gonna go and whine about how life is so unfair because i admit its unfair to everyone. i just want to WORTH to someone for once in my life. i am not asking for much. i jsut want to be someone valuable to at least one person in this earth. 

i always get a headache whenever i think about going back to uni . my sem 2 starts in a week. i have to go back out there and face many people. its hard but i still have to do it . i tried really hard in sem 1. i was all alone and i really tried to make friends, to have friends. but because of my nature of shutting people out , its just that. the friends i hang out with are just my classmates. the people i work on projects with and sit next to in class. its just that. 

i dont know if its my fault? 

ive been hurt so many times in life. i am afraid to open up anymore because my heart has bled too much i am afraid it will be beyond repair. shutting people out also kinda spares me from mental breakdown. thats why i do it. its just how if i like someone too much, i step back because i am afraid i will fall in love deeply till i cant get out. i protect myself from this type of situations. 

 

what i am trying to say is that. i am TIRED of trying. bc it never works for me. i am just going to accept that i am alone now and maybe will remain alone for some more years. for now i am just going to adapt , be a wallflower, a weed, that exists among crowds but invincible to people. 

i am also going to stop to please people , to try and fit in, because i was only getting hurt in return, disrespected and so on,

i will be just me and try my hardest to reach my own dreams

 

 

 

 

 

writig adapt depression die drama

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boy1a4
#1
it's the same for me. i'm alone at uni. i have friends but we are not in the same program and barely see each other. i used to be upset when they go somewhere and make plans without even sending me an invitation, but i'm so used to it that i don't even care anymore. we're still friends yes, but it's not to the point where i know i can depend or rely on them, and surprisingly i am okay with that. i need to be so i don't hurt myself any longer. i also write because it makes me happy. reading fanfiction, watching variety shows, listening to kpop are all things that help distract me from the ominous reality. i'm just going with the flow, but at the same time knowing what is healthy and what isn't for me. for example, everyone around me are in a relationship and although there was pressure in the beginning, i learnt to let it go. i'm not interested in a relationship. i don't care what other people say. it will come if ever it does. i learned that relationship isn't everything FOR ME.

i've learned to deal with certain situations, am still learning... it scared me before as to why i feel so calm about everything but maybe this is just me maturing and taking no crap from other people. being calm may not equal to complete happiness but this is better. "i don't like hurting myself anymore." this is the mindset i have right now.