Please, anyone .. ?

I don't know what to say, but I guess .. This should be a trigger warning? At least, for me it feels like it should be.

 

I've been contemplating about writing this, but I feel that now it's my turn to have someone to talk to .. It took me an eternity to write that one sentence, because I had to stop several times to cover my mouth so I wouldn't cry out to loud. I've been awake since 4am, and the clock is about to hit 07am. The reason I'm awake is the same that it has been for about two weeks now .. I keep thinking about him and "what if's"

The first weeks I talked with so many, I got almost 100 messages in my inbox. Everyone trying to express themselves, release some steam. And I allowed it. I don't regret it either. It seems as if it worked for me as a coping mechanism and also helped me keep my mind "off" it in some weird way. I don't even know how to explain it myself because I don't know. When I talked with all those people, it was as if I was still in denial of it. That may have been the reason I didn't suffer as much as I am at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I mourned the first entire week. I cried with my friends while we held hands and watched the memorial. We held hands as we watched the casket being carried. I managed to become slightly stronger, for my friends and those who were desperate for someone to talk to. I was online to answer your questions, to listen to your greif, to understand your pain. To let you speak your mind. Because I said you were not alone. It seems like in all that chaos, I forgot to have someone for me.

I haven't spoken to anyone how I feel. How I have been suffering. How I am grieving. 

It took me a lot of courage to listen to his new song, it was an upbeat song. I think it's the first time I cry so hard during such an upbeat song. I then listened to "Before Our Spring" .. Well, I couldn't exactly pass the 10 second mark. I couldn't. When I heard his beautiful laughter, I had to stop. I couldn't handle it. I knew SM had made the video as a kind of tribute for him., so I couldn't watch it. I tried so many times and failed miserably. Though I finally succeeded yesterday. I struggled again, but I managed to listen to the entire song and watch the entire video. I didn't allow myself to stop it. I forced myself to look at it. To listen to it. To suffer through it. Even now while writing this, I'm listening to the song. I liked it so much, and it hurts so bad that I can't watch him take over the stage, win those awards. Show us his beautiful smile which I loved so damn much. It made me realize that this year was supposed to be their 10th year anniversary .. It still is .. But it won't be the same, will it? I'm excited yet dreading that the day comes. We've lost a member in the most horrible way one can imagine and what's worse is that we can't have him back .. No matter how much we pray. No matter how much we cry. No matter how much we beg. He's just .. Gone ..

I was scrolling through instagram a few hours ago, and saw a picture of Taemin and Key together at the airport. It hurt. I can't seem to get excited for their concert. I can't imagine a stage with only four of them. Especially after having remembered that one time they did some stages without Jonhyun and they said it was so diffuclt. That it didn't make sense. That they needed him .. Imagine just how much they must need him now? All the pain they are going through?

I watched the video of the funeral .. It was the first time in months that we had seen Onew. I don't think any fan was expecting to see him in a situation like this. Taemin's face reminded me of myself, blank. Gone. Minho stayed strong as much as he could allow himself .. Knowing how amazing of a gentleman he is, I know he was holding it in so he could comfort So-Dam. So she could cry and lean on his strong shoulders. Seeing Key suddenly break down after holding such a strong appearance ..

I really don't know how I feel. I just cry. And I cry. And I cannot stop. The tears makes my vision blurry. The pain destroys my heart. And the memories linger in my mind. 

I've been a kpop fan since 2005. The group that got me into kpop was Super Junior. I discovered SHINee shortly after their first M/V. Damn, I was so happy that Super Junior finally got a little brother group themselves just like TVXQ had them. What I loved the most was all the interaction between them, they all got along so well. Yesung's duet with Jonghyun was such a breathtaking performance. His friendship with all the members made me so happy. The way Leeteuk and Heechul took such good care of him and were so gentle with him made my heart skip a beat. And it pains my heart so much that I won't be able to see that anymore. 

I still can't believe it's been a month already. Actually a month and 10 days. 

What made me get the courage to write this? I guess it was Kibum. The video he posted with Jonghyun gave me some strength. And I needed to let some things out .. Please, allow me to speak up now. It may be late, and long after .. But I didn't know I'd fall this hard after having held on as long as I did.

I will mention his name for the first time in this post .. My dear Jonghyun .. Are you resting well now? You're not suffering anymore, right? Your singing with angels, right? We're still grieving about your death. I am still grieving about your death. I'll try to become stronger, I promise, my love.

I said it was soon to be 7am and it's well beyond 8am now .. I'll try to sleep now. And thanks beforehand to everyone.

-28.01.18  ;  08.22am-

Back to Top ↑

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
AhgaseElf #1
It will be okay later in life. We just have to remember the good things he brought to us. It will hurt now, but the pain will go away soon. Do not beat yourself up over a choice he made. He will be remembered and he is always with us. Like I said before, he's probably bothering everyone else by playing Ring Ding Dong or Lucifer on the kazoo. :)
willscarlet #2
I feel very similarly. It has been extremely hard to see the funeral videos and I have actually stopped myself from seeing too many of them because I know it will be too much for me. Even seeing the MV has been strange because that’s it—that’s the last of him. But writing this blog post shows that you are trying to move on in a healthy way and I think it is important for you to let yourself feel the pains of grief, but not let yourself become too overwhelmed by it. Feel it, but don’t be consumed by it. I know that is easier said than done, but it has helped me to take walks and to angrily listen to music. Just like let it out.

Sending good vibes your way!!
inkrisgalaxy #3
Thank you for your courage. I am glad you are finally able to open up. Thank you for taking care of so many others; the support one recieves is priceless. It takes a while to truly "move on"--but then again, we never really move on do we?

I think the first step to bringing ourselves back up is to slowly think positive. It is difficult and it will always be difficult. But, know that the members are strong. They are so strong. They lost a brother and they are holding up for Jonghyun, for their families, for us, and most importantly, for themselves. Take them as inspiration. It doesn't have to be much. I'm sure you have thought about this but, continue to understand that he's happy now; he escaped his demons--isn't that's all we could ever want, for him to truly be happy?

|| God, it hurts to say this... I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be talking about myself here, but I'm still extremely numb and it is painful. ||

But above all, the one thing that helped me the most, even though it pushed my numb state, is talking to someone. So, please, please, talk to someone. Meet up with someone because the best way (as you may already know) is to talk to someone in person. But, not only that, talk to as many people as you can. Share your thoughts. Don't simply listen to them. We are family and we will be here for each other. Don't hesitate. I'm so happy you talked to us about this.

Please, also, let me be a column for you.

|| He will always be with us. In any form. At any place.
Place him in your heart; he will never leave. ||

You are strong. Never forget that.
KyuWookiELF #4
I don't know how to comfort you my dear.. It's really hard for me, even till now. Every day to me is..unreal? I constantly wish he is still here but the truth is that he is no longer here with us. Even till now, I still have yet to watch the M/V because I know for sure, my tears would spill the moment I see and hear his voice.
But, I'm sure Jonghyun wouldn't want to see us still in this state. He wants us to be happy, to continue live on his behalf. My heart still hurts when I mention SHINee or Jonghyun & it is also one reason why I avoid mentioning them because I don't know if I can control my emotions upon remembering that day when I heard the news. Nonetheless, we, Shawols exists to love SHINee and the members. And what we can do for him is to live our life to the fullest with no regrets, help those who need our help and continue to love him from the deepest part of our heart. I'm sure that is what he wanted for all of us.
Stay strong dear, we are all here to help one another. Take it slow, time will heal everything eventually. <3
roseey #5
I really don’t know what to say or how to console you, it really was difficult for me. I was unable to accept the reality. Still I don’t do. But then I head some one saying this. “Real death is when he no longer exists in other’s memories”
Jonghyun is living inside me, you and all the shawols around the world, he exists as long as we love him and love, is the understatement of what we feel for him. I kind of feel like he’s on a long vacation and will be back not anytime soon.despite that he sees us and sing along with every shinee song you listen to. He exists in every ounce of air we breathe in. He didn’t want this life. World was cruel to him, he didn’t want us to see him someone who’s suffering. He wanted us to look at him in a way we would look at a star. So he literally became one. Don’t force yourself to look at the mv. I have granted myself a break from shinee when I learn to accept the reality. Speaking of concert, I’m going to support the other four who desperately need us. Let’s show how much we love them and make jonghyun proud. That’s what he wanted. Stay strong honey. Time will heal everything.
FantasyWol #6
It's okay to cry, to let your suffer be seen and heard by others.
I'm a Shawol and I still can't believe it. When I heard the news, it was utterly devastating and I thought "No, there must be something wrong. It can't be him" and it went like this for a week. I haven't cried, not because I didn't/don't care, but because I highly believe he is doing well, he now has the peace that he dreaded for so long, the happiness he wished for.
After 2 weeks, I started thinking of all the "what ifs" because this could have been avoided, he could have been saved. But then, if it wasn't now, knowing how much he was struggling since ages, it would have happened anyway. Or at least that's what I think.
My words might be confusing; they are for me. But I believe time will heal the wounds, even those that are deeper and that hide within out hearts. As I said, you are allowed to cry, no matter how much did it take for you to do so. You can crumble down for once, not have the courage to listen to him because it's normal. What is important is to gain the strenght to go on, to stand tall for him but mostly for you.
It will be hard and surely not an easy thing to do, but now we have an angel, a kind, caring and lovable angel by our side, anywhere and anytime.
Fighting, okay?
Back to Top ↑