Well..., it's bad again...,
It gets so frustrating when you think things are getting better, but then you relapse.
This week has been rough for me mentally and I've been having a lot of thoughts and feelings that honestly frighten me.
For the past few days, I've been waking up in a panic, and then the depression hits me and I can't even get out of bed. I just lie there for hours and try not to cry. What's frustrating is that I know a few things that may have triggered this, but overall, it feels random. I feel helpless to my own thoughts and feelings.
It frustrates me that I react to major changes in my life by going into a blind panic and shutting down completely. I literally lose my mind..., It's frightening and frustrating, and I hate this feeling so much.
What terrifies me the most about these moments is that my mind tends to shoot off into left field and defaults to thoughts of giving up. Even though I believe that taking your own life is wrong and should never be done, the thoughts come and the plans develop. Soon, you find yourself staring at your medication bottles and wondering what would happen if you just took all of it.
It scares the Hell out of me because I'm afraid my illness will cause me to lose control one day and do something I don't actually want to do.
Because, deep down, I know that most of us don't want to die. All we want is for the pain to stop, but our minds dive towards the only option we think we have. If someone showed up and said, "I can take the pain away and you can live peacefully, or, I can let you shut your eyes and drift into death. Which do you choose?" Most people won't choose death. They'd choose living a normal life instead.
So, what scares me is that my mind automatically goes to the most extreme darkest options without my consent or want for it to. It scares me. I'm honestly afraid of myself.
I get into such a panic sometimes that all I can do is dig my nails into my palms and use the pain to distract my thoughts. I've sat and scratched my arms raw because of the panic. It's frightening and I wish there was something that could make these moments stop.
I wish I could shut my eyes and be ok...,
But, no matter how much these moments scare me, or how much they hurt, I know they will pass. They don't last forever, even when it feels like they will. It will pass, and it will come back again, but there will be moments in-between that are bearable..,
I'm just afraid of myself right now. I'm afraid because no one's home and all I can do is sit in the dark and scream...,
I just wanted to vent everything to someone.
Sorry, if I made you all uncomfortable.
I just have no one else to talk to right now...,
Comments