I can't promise that this will be my last post about Kim Jonghyun. Hell, I know it won't be the last post. I'm hurting so much and I have no one else who understands my pain. So I will write until I am at a lost for words. I will write until I feel at ease. It has become real for me. This dream has become a tragic reality. I feel absurd for crying over someone famous, over someone I don't know, over someone who doesn't know me. But still, it hurts. Life is beautiful and cruel. Shinee is my everything and Jonghyun is 1/5 of my everything. So as you can imagine I lost a fifth of my heart this week. This wound will take time to heal, but eventually, I will overcome this pain. I will soon be stronger. 

But as of now, I am not strong. 

So I can't bring myself to watch anything Shinee related right now. I can't watch the funeral, the memorials, the tributes, or the news. I have to unplug from Shinee for the time being until I am stronger. 

I can't listen to Jonghyun's music without crying. I can't listen to Shinee music without the pain in my heart consuming me. I know there are so many videos out there spreading positivity and mental health awareness. But I can't watch any of it right now. It is torture.  

I have to unplug from Shinee. This is not a want. This is a need. I'm stagnant. My heart has hit a plateau. I will resume when I am on the road to recovery.

I'm thinking about getting a Shinee related tattoo while I'm on holiday break. I'm thinking about getting a diamond on my ankle. It's simple and small but so meaningful. I feel like I need to get something to feel complete again.