He has not left us

I guess people will be emotional.

They will be confused.

Sad.

Angry.

Shocked.

I know I was shocked. Confused. Just a bit angry.

 

I've always thought suicide was selfish. I can't help but be angry at someone for choosing it. I know it's not right on my part to think that way. To feel that way. That obviously the person suffering should not be to blame. But I am a bit angry.

 

And I'm confused because I'm not really sad. A bit, of course, the whole situation is sad. 27, a tragedy. I'm confused because I had to read Sylvia Plath for school, and had to watch the movie Sylvia in lecture, and had to wipe away my tears when Sylvia sealed herself in her kitchen and breathed in too much monoxide fumes from her oven. So I'm just confused. 

Because I am absolutely comfortable with my flaws and failures and I don't think I would ever feel so out of control that I would take my own life. I can't wrap my head around it personally. Strange, when I empathize with the characters in a book and know the point I would do the same in their shoes, but not him. I can't understand it. 

But that's life isn't it? And death. It doesn't make sense. Sometimes there is no justification.

 

I have regrets. I wasn't a particularly good fan. He was always my bias in the group. I considered him to be one of the best singers. I've been moved to tears and shakes. But I've never been a good fan. I remember distinctly him saying at the time, back in the day, that his favorite book was Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis. Maybe his favorite color was red. I can't remember. I wasn't a good fan. 

I'm not sad that there won't be more music. More talk shows. More interviews and variety shows. I don't regret that.

I regret not showing my support while he was here.

 

But he has not left us. No, he is just completely unreachable. He has hidden away from everyone, but he is not gone.

He lives in his music. In the laughter and tears he brought us. In the lives he saved. In all the shows, dances, photos. He lives on in our memories.

 

And though it is too late for you to hear this, you did well. 

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
No comments yet