Nov 20

Its my last night of being 20. I dont know, I just feel tired today. I know Im physically tired because of the things I do in the clinics, but I feel restless and drained inside, like my soul is being pushed out of my body. My brain hurts, not because I studied but because I kept thinking of you. I decided not to think about you, but how can I not today? Today that you showed up in front of my eyes from the moment I stepped at the entrance of my school. I dont know, it was just instinct to look around when theres a line, or may be God wanted me to look around, I really dont know. But, I saw you there walking, wearing your favorite black jacket that I know smells of you with a mixture of your favorite perfume the best combination of scents Ive ever smelled I swear to God. I only looked at you for less than a second, but Ive drawn your whole image in my mind. I acted like i didnt see you and opted for the stairs cause I know if I end up in that small elevator space with you, I wouldnt be able to stop myself from hugging you, Im that weak and stupid when it comes to you. But I guess life has its own way to torture me, there you go following to the stairs, by this time, Im sure you saw me. I just dont know if you didnt call me cause you were in a hurry for your preboards and because I seem in a panic, fast phased cause I have a class to go to or even if its painful Ill admit, maybe you just didnt really want to call me, see my face or feel my presence. And that , cause every ing day all I crave is your presence. But you know what? Now that Im thinking about it, I want your presence but I picked to ignore you and act like I didnt see you, what if youre just doing the same to me? If so, we are both playing this game, and Im not a sporty type of person, I hate playing games. Why cant we just both surrender and hug it out or may be even kiss it out. But what if? Just what if? You hated me that much that you didnt really wanted me near you? Dont worry, I hate you too. I hate you for breaking my heart, taking advantage of my kindness and efforts, oh lastly, for making me look like a fool. I have dozens of reasons to hate you, so if you hate me, dont worry I hate you too. The only difference is I still want you, a piece of , still be part of my crazy life. I hate fairytes where they say there is happily ever after but here I am lonely and hurting ever after. Yes, I still hope for the day Ill see you again in  a different time and place, where we are both mature and I hope the attraction is still there. Im still stupid right now, I still think we were meant to be but we just didnt how to do it properly. Im that stubborn when it comes to you who gave me a thousand reasons to leave and move on with my own life. But you know what? You gave me a thousand reasons to hate you but you gave me a million reasons to choose you. I might even praise you more than your family. See everything bad about you as an asset. This may sound absurd but I love every ing thing about you, even the smallesr featured about you, your mole, your facial hair, your nostril hair, the end of your finger tips, even just your shadow. I dont know if any girl would be like this to you, just like me. I know my feelings are sincere, you ask why? I never gave you ual satisfaction but see? Even without the ual side I ing love you to bits, its me loving everything about you, not just your body, not just your voice, not just your thoughts, not just your personality, not just your talents, not just your achievements, I love every ing bit about you, even your twisted past, even your wild ual sides, even your useless efforts, even your discriminations, even your failures, even your uncontrollable anger, even your selfishness about everything, even your high end ego, even the trash in you. I love you that much that I can see the good in every ing bad aspect you have. That I was willing to give you everything I have because it felt ing right, every second im with you felt ing right. Yes, I do still plan sometimes on how can I approach you and win you back, I mean ive done it before so itll be easy right? Ive made you look for me all around school, cause I made you feel special and needed. I know I can do that again, cause you are, really are, special and needed in my life. That may be the first time was just a practice, and the second one might be real. I want it, no, I need it. But still, if my brain works this time round winning against my heart, and we do end up as strangers (Oh, God, please no), I hope youll find someone like me again, one who will love you no matter how dark, messed up, dirty, and nasty your past is, including your other sides. You deserve to be loved, you do, and me too, I deserve to be loved the same intensity I love you (I cant say loved because I still love you till now).

So its the last night of me being 20. My 20 yr old self is someone who is constantly confused and hurt. I wish my 21 yrs old self the best and all the fun. Please, be gentle this time, take it slowly and enjoy your own company. I wish nothing but the best for you, I know, youve been telling yourself everyday to do your best and do the great stuffs for yourself and not for others. I know how stubborn you are and I feel like you will still be tomorrow. I hope you stand up for yourself this time. You deserve to be loved, ok? I love you.