why is everything so heavy?

I don't know if anyone will be reading this, but I just needed an outlet for these things. 

So you see, this semester is almost done. I think I still have more or less 3 weeks to go. 

Next sem will finally be my last semester in college. Yep, I'm graduating from college June next year! 

Next semester will be so crucial because we're being prepared for the board exams which will be held August next year. 

On top of that, it's my last chance to try to have a high average. 

The pressure is so heavy. I don't know how to cope anymore. 

Everyone's expecting you to graduate with Latin honors, but I don't know if I can still make it. 

I don't know if the game is over for me. 

If it is, I just wish someone would tell me because I feel like I'm playing a game that I lost long ago. 

I just want someone to tell me if this is still worth the fight. 

I think I'm going crazy because no matter how hard I try, it is never enough. 

Recently, there has been a cheating scandal in our batch and everyone paid the consequences. 

You know the feeling when you just want to cry because you are literally crawling your way to get better grades and learn and some people get high grades easily because they leak exams? 

And what hurts the most is seeing their names in the list of those who got an academic award. 

I feel like I've been stepped on. 

You know I wouldn't make a big deal out of this and I honestly, I wouldn't have cared at all if this family accepts failures as part of life. 

Ha, I remember 2 years ago when I failed to make it to the honor's list, I was almost kicked out of our house because my family was so angry. 

I didn't get any failing marks, okay? My average just didn't meet the requirement to make it to the list.

And all the time, I thought it's going to be okay, because not everytime you're gonna make it to the top, right? 

I just don't want to be a disappointment. 

Gosh, it's so hard to hold on, you know? 

It's so hard to tell them to manage their expectations of me because they get angry all the time. 

I wish I could write again because this was my coping mechanism when I was in high school, but I'm so busy to organize my thoughts and update. Sometimes, I feel like writing but I just can't find the right words anymore to produce a beautiful output. 

I don't know how to cope and it's getting worse everyday.

I've been experiencing anxiety attacks since the start of this year. 

The first time I experienced it, my God, I thought I was going to die. 

I couldn't breathe at all. My whole body was numb and cold. 

Sometimes, I think, is this what it takes to be a doctor? 

I'm sacrificing a lot. 

Do I still want to be a doctor? 

I don't know anymore. 

I just want to forget everything and write once again. 

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likeadiamond #1
It's still, forever and will always be worth to try. Well, its better to try than not right? I don't know what was the right word to say to you, honestly. I will also face that semester next year and it is suffocating, a lot of pressure, and no one want to be a disappointment.
"You are not alone, breathe." That sentence have been with me since last year and .... it works. I can't say that everything is gonna be okay or alright because the fact will be far away from it. Just remember to breathe, the leaves also fall down, the bird also get tired of flying, the fruit needs time to be picked.
Athena66 #2
I don't know about parents..but being a parent, I wish my children do the best they can ..Am I disappointed if they did not do well..I am
"maybe "but its their life.. I could only show my support and being able to understand their problems...but I pray you will find the answer and give them the chance to correct themselves ,they after all are humans too..I may not be a good mother but I am trying my best to be one..
Being in a medical profession is a hard work and lot of sacrifices...but in the end you have done something good ..save a life maybe..made someone proud of the very job, you doubt you want to be. I may not be a doctor but being there to listen to the patients, is a satisfying job. i pray you will be able to decide what is best for you...all the best and God bless.
sleepingprince #3
Your hard work will pay off soon and your future self will thank you for working hard enough to achieve your dreams. Whenever it's hard , think of something good that will keep you going. Think about how proud you are going to be during convocation . Think about how many lifes you may save . You are learning to help treat and save others. You are sacrificing for a very good and Noble cause . It's not easy to deal with the pressure , expectations and also the cheating drama ... But I think as long as you have try and given your very best that's good enough. There's nothing to feel regret or feel bad about. For those who cheat to excel , they will live with guilt for the rest of their life. They can't run away from that . It will subsconciously be in their mind. You should be proud that at least you own your honor with pride and dignity although through va very tough and challenging way. I hope that you'll take some time for yourself to unwind and just relax alittle . Everything is going to be okay. Besides , you are half way through . Just a little more and you are done. Once you have graduated , you are going to use all the knowledge for good cause. Think about all the good / kind things that you can do to help others. That itself is very inspiring and fufilling. You are going to help people everyday . Your future children and grandchildren and etc will be proud . You will set as an example to them as well. I wish you all the best . You can do it. Believe in yourself , believe more in your dreams :) Fighting!
GikHan #4
If you ever feel like to stop, think again how far you have to reach at this point, i know i may some stranger to you but i know you can go through this again like what you did 2 years ago. I would like you think God wont test you if you couldnt make it through so i know you're tougher than you look. I know certain family have high expectation in us its all depends but i know you can do it, although i cant offer so many comforts i hope this words reach to you ❤️
Stargazer_Undefined #5
I've been there. Its the worst - feeling like a disappointment when you're not even failing. A lot of the times, our family doesn't see the struggle we face, and expect way more than we're able to deliver. That was me during college. I was a great student in high school, but things got too much for me when I started college and I even failed my second year. Thankfully, I kept on going and finished my degree. That's what you have to fight for - just fight to finish no matter what.

Because once you're done, it won't matter what your grades looked like, you'll be a survivor. But. Lol, there's always a but. Once you're done with that, there'll be new expectations, believe me. My parents are disappointed with me right now cause I decided to get married and start a family instead of throw myself into a job after graduating. On the other hand, they're pressuring my sister into finding a husband even though she just start working after graduating. See, they don't know what they want either lol, but they'll always expect.

So my advice is, do your best to succeed, but if you don't meet other people's expectations, don't run yourself over. And try to make time for yourself too if you can. You're only young once. ^^

I hope you succeed and find happiness. Its a hard world, but smiling through it makes it better~~~
chonanay #6
You have sacrificed so much, please hold on a lil longer. God will help you out for He has seen your efforts.
*virtual bear hug*
❤
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