Updates on life, tbh.
Because these past few weeks have been so discouraging for me and tonight I had a dream that really put everything into perspective. It centers a lot around the feelings of "what am I doing with my life" and "why am I waiting for someone to like me".
So that's what I'm going to talk about.
Also just, before I forget it, let's just say that I'm silently going to leave publishing on AFF behind. I really don't want to get any more disappointed in myself and it's a setback every time. I don't need pity either. If I want to be serious about myself, about accepting myself for who I am then I need to stop looking for other people's opinion and base everything on that.
I always promise to finish what I start, so that's what I'm gonna do. But I'm so tired of being encouraged and discouraged in one endless cycle. I love talking to people, though, and I won't be able to give up on talking to ya'll so I'm not gonna do that. Just the publishing.
Okay, so back to everything that's been on my mind lately. First of all, I feel really frustrated with the kpop community. The whole ELF-debacle I shouldn't really be a part of left traces anyway and I just realized how toxic some people can really be - and also how blindly naive others can be. I stand with K-ELF on the issue and I don't think Sungmin deserves to be in SJ anymore. His apology was insincere and the "care for SJ" he says he has was so awfully absent those 3 years ago that I cannot take his words as the truth. So - yes, it's controversial as , but that's where I stand. And I've been longing to say it out loud but because I constantly told myself not to get into conflicts I kept out of it. But this is my opinion; Sungmin is an arse and he deserves not to be in this comeback.
Outside of kpop, though, I've just started to get a little lonely. That's partly my own fault for still succumbing to the aftermath of my social anxiety and the personality disorder and not getting out to meet a lot of new people, but it leaves traces anyway. I'm determined not to fall back into old habits, however, because they were seriously bad and I don't want to go there.
The thing about loneliness is that I don't necessarily need the human-to-human interaction. I just need someone to talk to and I feel strangely alienated. I'm probably making stuff up because human minds sometimes do that when they feel one thing and don't get what they need, but I feel like a burden. A burden I don't want to be because I am not. I'm human and I'm not a horrible one either. So I shouldn't feel like I'm burdening other people by existing.
So what I've decided to do is genuinely just be me. I have goals and dreams too and it's not at all wrong for me to hope to pursue them. There are plenty of things I would love to do with my life, things I would love to experience - so I'm going to do those things. I'm going to add to my bucket list and while many of these dreams may not be necessarily realistic or won't happen in the near future, I want them so that I can slowly cross off and add experiences to.
One day I too will realize that my life has not been wasted with cola and computers. And I want to be there when I realize it. And I want to stand there as me, as someone I love and someone I can look in the eyes.
That reflection in the mirror that is me - I want to be able to stand tall and say "yes, that is me and I don't need to be anyone else".
It's a hella long road from here, incredibly so. But it's mine and I'm going to take the first step. A journey starts with the first step, isn't that what people always say?
So here I am. Frightened and hella terrified, but I'm here.