I know I am not obliged to update you guys about what's happening to my life but I feel that somehow.... you should know.

Won't be sharing this with you in full detail. This is gonna be a non-creative way of narration cause given the schedule I have right now, I have no luxury in doing so.

A few months ago, I confessed my feelings to my BFF of 7 years... the person I consider as my own Taeyeon. (Yes, I'm Tiffany. lol)

I confessed not because I wanted our relationship to level up. I did it because I couldn't keep it anymore. I couldn't lie to her anymore. Something triggered me that day. She felt that I had been hiding something big from her all this time. AND YES. She got it all correct. I had been keeping my feelings to myself, hoping that someday, somehow, my feelings for her would just fade. That secret of mine was becoming a wall between us. She felt it. So I broke that wall. I said it.

Of course, like what I had already expected--- She's straight. 

I'm just a friend,

I knew that. I was well aware of that.... which was why I never planned on confessing ever.

But I HAD TO BREAK THAT WALL. Because it's already damaging our friendship.

I knew the answer even before she said anything.

AGAIN, my goal was to break the wall. My goal was to let it all go.

My purpose was to move on.

Those were the most heartbreaking days of my life. I cried every night, knowing that I had really been just a friend to her... all along. I was seeing false signs. My heart was a wreck. My eyes shed tears non-stop.

And so I went on an Asian trip with 2 of my friends for two weeks. I promised myself I won;t be crying anymore after that. I promised myself that it would be the last time I cried because of her.

Weeks passed, we still talked. A LOT. Everyday.

She said she didn't want anything to change. She said we'd settle things and talk about everything in a 2-day sleepover.

And so we did.

I was glad that I was able to fulfill my goal-- To say everything. Just like what she wanted.

She asked me every detail. Like how it started, how it developed. and how it deepened.

She was so curious. She got what she want-- an answer.

I got what I needed-- an answer.

It might not be what I wanted. But it helped me. I never cried anymore.

OUR FRIENDSHIP IS BETTER THAN EVER NOW. NO SECRETS. MORE COMFORTABLE.

But just recently, she's become sweeter, She flirts a lot with me. She even kissed me on the cheek when we were in the car. Even though she already knows my feelings. She also tells me that I'm the only one that she has.... and that she gets jealous of everyone who gets close to me.

NOW I'M MORE CONFUSED.

I know I already got the answer that I needed. But it's quite opposite to what she makes me feel. 

I know for a fact that WE CAN NEVER BE....

HOW CAN I MOVE ON IF WE STILL CONTINUE TO ACT LIKE A COUPLE WHEN WE'RE NOT?

The thing is... I want to move on.... but I don't wanna change what we have right now. I don't want anything to change between us.

How can I let go of someone who is already a part of me?

P.S. She's straight.

But we cuddle a lot in bed, hold hands, hug a lot, kiss each other on the cheeks, and exchange sweet messages like a couple.

Anyway, don't mind me. I'm just really confused right now- and yet very happy.