Spoiler to the those who have not watched Produce 101 Season 2

The last blog I wrote in this site was about the eternally dreadful 9/30 Sicagate. 

I thought I wouldn't be feeling a similar hollow emotion, but boy, here I am now feeling the 2nd time tumbles on my kpop world. 

i don't know whether this is only a temporary disappointment or not, but I guess the fact that I just find the urge to write this down must have meant that this really is something to me. 

Well, I just watched the final episode of Produce 101 S2 --I waited 4 days and I did not look at any spoiler (I opened youtube veeeeryy carefully, and tried not to get any spoiler feed on my tumblr and twitter as well), so practically I just found out the result last night. I couldn't sleep last night, I woke up today with an awfully empty feeling. When I work at the office, my mind got distracted, but once I finished my job today, this awful emptiness attacks me again and i feel like I just have to write this.

So, I know i am waaaaaayy past the age of lurking in kpop fandom, following idols, etc. And for years, there are actually only few idol groups (my forever and always SNSD) that I devote myself to. Except for SNSD, I am actually just a casual kpop listener now. And that was at least until I found out about Produce 101 Season 2 and got waaayyy too attached to it. 

I watched the 1st season too, and I watched plenty of idol survival reality show, but Produce 101's 2nd season... for the first time in a few years, it's the first time I fall in love again.

I'll probably start with who I absolutely stan in this survival show in order: (1) Kim Jonghyun, (2) Hwang Minhyun, (3) Ong Seongwoo, (4) Kim Jaehwan, and (5) Kang Daniel. THE Justice League. The perfect team. The perfect members. They could have debuted as 5 and I will hardcore stan them (though along the way I fall for the other Broduce101 boys too, but these 5 are just on a completely another level).

And on the final ranking announcement night... it was a roller coaster ride. 

It started out good actually. Minhyun got called, I screamed. Ong got called, I screamed. Daniel was going to be either on rank 1 or 2, so I was not worried. I got my highest hype when Jaehwan was called because i didn't expect he would have that many votes. I was so hyped. I was so ready. IT WAS SO PERFECT.

But then Kim Jonghyun failed to make it to the Final 11.

That was like the MOST unexpected thing to me that night. To be honest, along with Daniel, I was sooooo sure Jonghyun would make it. The few last days before I watched ep 11, I kept on worrying for Minhyun, Ong, and Jaehwan instead. I really DID NOT expect that of all people, it would be jonghyun who couldn't get to debut with Wanna One. I mean, historically, his rankings were very safe. He even got #1 for a couple of weeks. He is like Korean's darling, the public loves him, the fans love him, even the fans of other trainees in majority have good impression on him, all fandoms generally are like neutral or in love with him, and EVERYONE WAS LIKE SO CERTAIN HE WOULD MAKE IT.

And when he did not...

I'm sorry this is still too friggin painful.

Still so surreal until now. 

I mean I got 4 out of 5 of my boys debuting in Wanna One, but it really isn't the same without Jonghyun. It's just NOT COMPLETE. He's not only my #1 Pick (though in the last few days, Minhyun kind of made me waver a bit), but Jonghyun was actually the very reason why I gave Broduce 101 a chance back then. I didn't even know him. I didn't even know he was from Nu'est. I just read the comments from the knetz and they kept on praising on this oh-so-saint boy. Then I got curious on how saint a person can be? so I started to watch Produce 101 S2 and I was never disappointed with him at all. But then really... I must be greedy. I got my 4 boys in, but without Jonghyun, it really, really is too painful to follow Wanna One.

I guess I will inevitably follow Wanna One, but I just... you know... same with Sicagate, the could-have-been, the almost-perfect, the ing almost EVERYTHING group to me...

I am bitter af. I am salty af. I am really irritated af. I don't target my irritation to the 11 who made it, but I just... you know... i know the consequence of watching a survival show is this disappointment. I had other faves that i have learned to let go. But I think I will need a long time to really let it go this time, because this time, i guess the avalanche was unexpected. If Jonghyun is a trainee who kept being on the borderline, if everything about Jonghyun had not been "100%-confirmed-to-debut", MAYBE  I could have had a lesser disappointment.

And I know people have been saying that there is a blessing in disguise. The fact that jonghyun didn't make it into the final lineup did blow Nu'est up (again). Their songs rose. They have great public recognition for now. If jonghyun had made it, maybe people would not give Nu'est this much attention. 

But as glad as I am for Nu'est, my heart still cannot feel the true joy.

Like i said, Wanna One is just not complete for me. And the missing piece just happens to be my bias and...

I still want to believe this is a dream.

I want to move on, I really do. I am ranting childishly like this. I even tweet constantly about it, my twitter must be very annoying. But tell me, just tell me how can I move onnnnnn...

I thought writing this will make me feel better. I'm not sure now.

And do you know how to define suicide? It's writing this and reminiscing my Bugi's smile while listening to Minhyun & Jaehwan (and the 3 other)'s version of Downpour.

it.

Edit #1: Okay, so the actual suicide apparently is not listening to Downpour. But listening to "Never" while reading news about Nuest. I swear I am at a coffee shop right now and I have tears b on my eyes.