I was once an active person.

As a child, I took Taekwondo classes, was a volleyball player (for two years), an outgoing person. I was a friendly child though a bit on the vengeful side too. Though, I don't really remember much from my childhood. T'was painful. T'was full of hate. I hated it when I realized how dumb I was for letting someone do things to hurt me and my future. 

I've always been a victim of bullying. Yes, the physical bullying which resulted to bruises and a few cuts... not just once but every year till highschool. I thought nobody cared so I never told anyone. One day the school's guidance councelor noticed the bruises when I lifted my sleeves on a hot day while in line in a flag ceremony. He asked, "what happened?". I didn't answer him, I just gave him a smile. The bullying still went on, they'd threaten with their hands up in the air, ready to hit me if I don't give them my lunch money or my lunch box. I can still clearly remember how they threw a fit when I stood up for my self... that's when I realized that being forgiving doesn't always result to happy reconcilations. Sounds like an american highschool bully cliche but it happens, it happened to me.

One day in highschool, t'was the weekend when my dad left home. I tried to stop him from jumping from the terrace, locked the gates and begged for him to stay... but he didn't. I never really got along with my mom. I rarely talked to her or never understood why she never played hopscotch with me anymore. I never understood why she only wanted to earn money. I never understood why she always tried to push my dad away. In fact, I rarely talked to her as a child. 

Till this day, I remember cursing meant to hurt her. Yelling at her, trying not hear the reason why she's drunk again for the night. She never talked to me about it. She never asked if I'm okay with what was happening with our family. She never talked to me again. 

The days went by. I wake up every morning, preparing for school. Never had any days when I would just take a shower normally just like how I do it a few days before. I tried cutting different places in my body. Legs, arms, wrists, ankles. One word, frustration. I needed to know what is happening in my once a happy world. 

I went to school with puffy eyes. I tried to hide my cuts with gauges and band aids. Days went by, a wound heals and another opens. I was the gloomy friend... student, rather. I never talked to anyone at school.  Never the active kid anymore. I'd find a seat at the very corner of the classroom, trying to hide my tears away from everyone: scared of bullies to find out how vulnerable I am at that time. That's when the guidance coucelor went to our classroom to pick me up. I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to talk to anyone because I know I have no answers to each question he'd ask. I had my head down the whole time he was talking to me. I never heard anything he was saying but I snapped out of reality when the bell rang. I went home being welcomed by cold food, deserted house, living room reeking of alcohol. I wasn't hungry but I miss the hot food being served by mom when I get home from school. 

A weekend after that, for a reason I don't remember so much, my mom asked me to sit down. She lit a cigarette on her left hand while holding a bottle of beer on the other. I still remember how she told me everything. That I was adopted. How much he hated dad for molesting me as a child. How she knew how many times dad cheated. How much damage dad has done to me. She knew it all but didn't do anything to save me. I was ually harassed even without the knowledge of what "" is. I thought everything was normal just like how he explained it to me. I thought t'was something father and daughters do to gain "trust". I was naive. I was stupid. I should have known what it was. I questioned my morality and the thought made me insane. 

Enraged. My hands were bleeding from punching the glass door of our bathroom. I walked out of our house, crying, went to my bestfriend's (only friend) house. I didn't think his family understood what I was going through but they let me stay in their house for the night. 

The days passed by, it's the weekdays, I should be at school but I find my self riding a bus going somewhere. I don't know where and I didn't care. I wanted to go somewhere far. I wanted to see where I could be. I wanted to find where I should be. But I can't. I couldn't. The days went by and no answers were given or found. I didn't know the answers to my questions. I didn't know the answer to my "why"s and "how"s. How obtuse could I be? How was I really the smart kid? Where should I be now? Happened for a month or two when I decided to stop functioning.

I didn't wanna go to school. I didn't wanna go anywhere. I just stuck on my pc, in my room, trying to write my worries down but ended up with utter bull. Suicide thoughts have been lingering in my mind for so long and decided to do it. I didn't write any eulogy for my self. I didn't write anything in a piece of paper to remind everyone how I loved them or how much they caused me pain. I tried everything but there's something that was stopping me... Maybe I was scared of death. 

The teachers tried to reach me. They visited my house but I never wanted to get out of my room. I knew when I go back to school, the bullies will deepen the pain I'm experiencing. I believed that teachers lacked knowledge of what bullying exactly is. They lacked knowledge of how to handle bullying and I assumed they'd lack knowledge of "sadness".

"Sadness".

That's how I called it back in the day.

For as long as I can remember, "sadness" has always been a part of my life. Even before I was old enough to understand what it meant to be depressed and long before I knew what it was, you were there. At first you made me think I was crazy, like I was losing my mind, somehow falling apart piece by piece because of the thoughts you put in my head, after that suicide attempt, it all became clear.

Years went by like crazy up and downs. I had friends, yey for social life. I was once again a social butterfly.  I thought everything were already fine because I thought I knew how to deal with it. But it was just a THOUGHT. It's stuck with me and I'm stuck with it. Years, I tried to win over but everytime I thought Im on a roll, just when I feel like I'm winning over you... finally getting my together and it just pop the out of nowhere degrading me back to zero.

This is not how I want it to be or I never wanted it to be like this. 

 I don't think he understands how I trully feel or how this works. I wanted to tell him everything but everytime I try, I'm stuck with nothing. I lose my thoughts and that frustrates me. It's like I'm programed to forget every thought in a snap I feel it. Just like how my thought and my feeling worked differently, one feels it and one cannot name it. My tongue wouldn't let me utter the words with the fear of being rejected. 

I look the same as I was back then... only a few scars added to my simlish body but inside, I don't feel like me. In fact, I don't even know who I am anymore or maybe, I don't even know who I've always been. 

My mind chases its own tail. Coming back to where it started; stuck to its place forever and ever.

This is one of the most devious thing about depression -- it's so selfish. The reason why I'm acting selfish is because I'm in constant emotional pain. Imagine you have a broken arm, shattered bones, you won't focus on other things but that. It's feels liek the same way with emotional pain too. I can’t stop thinking about how much I hurt, because I just hurt so damned much. Like there's a whisper in the back of my head, bringing me down and I didn't learn how to silence it. 

Just like yesterday, today I don't even remember why I'm writing this all over again. One thing's for sure... I need help from someone who knows what I'm going through.

Please.