Envy.

The word "envy" has been in my mind for a few days now. Not that I let it eat my whole existence... but it exists. 

Envy never once existed in my life. I've always been up there or have always been working my way up. I have the toys I want. I have everything I wanted as a child. As a student I was always up there and it's not like I wanted good grades in the first place. I never wanted a father when I lost one. I never wanted any attention when I lost my mom's attention. I can always get it from my friends or from anyone else. Besides, that's why I have le internet, right? When I say always, I mean ALWAYS. I don't know why its presence suddenly decided to pop up in my head. I didn't even know the definition of "envy" back then. And happened. 

I, then, suddenly envy girlfriends who get to hold their boyfriend's hands publicly.

I envy girls who get to be lovey dovey (in a proper way) with their guys publicly.

I envy everyone who gets surprises for their special day(s).

I envy women who gets to talk about clothes with  their men. 

I envy women who gets to talk about opinions on things like clothes and fashion and make up and everything. 

I envy everyone who doesn't get guilty.

I envy everything outside my ability.

In short, I wish I was the one who gets to experience everything he did for his past. 

Because basically, I feel like a square trying to fit in circles.