Time now is 0229 hours, 18th of December 2016. At this particular moment, I know lots of people might already be in their deepest sleeps or happily having some nice midnight chats with their boyfriend or girlfriend. Let's not forget for those people who couldn't sleep at this time because of their bad thoughts and those evil voices screaming at the back of their heads; saying you're not good enough and how you should just kill yourself. Let's not forget those people who constantly smile for us in the days but cry their hearts out late at nights. Those people who pats the back of the friends saying everything will be alright but the reality for them was way more harsh than anyone else around them.

2016 was honestly one of the years I would like to erase it out of my head. comparing to the year I lost someone who was dearest for me, i prefer to erase 2016 instead. 2016 doesn't make me today, it just ruined the me yesterday. Last night, I re-opened my old diary and read back my dark memories. Everyone has their good memories, happy memories but mine was filled with dark ones. I didn't mind because that what made me the me today. I realized the girl in the diary was filled with anger in her. The anger that she kept to herself. though, she wasn't that good at keeping it to herself. Therefore, she mistreated everyone and let her anger our carelessly. I know that she didn't mean to do it but what do others think? She got scolded and people abandoned her.

because of that, she became stronger but in a wrong way. She was bolder but in the bad way. The girl learned self-harm and that had ruined her beautiful hand. From there, she slowly learn how to keep things to herself and put a mask on. It took her quite sometimes to recover from the stone phase. Early 2015, she managed to put on the mask perfectly everyday. The smiles she gave people. She do loves her friends, especially her best friends. She wouldn't want anything to be exchange with them. However, the illness that she kept for so long made people questioned her sincerity. People spat things like she wasn't grateful of what she had. Back then, she was ungrateful. She didn't see what she has. After days, she knows what she has but refuse to see it because nobody show it to her. In another word, she refused to believe that people love her. She lost it. She was lost. 

Those sleepless nights due to cry and constant bad thoughts turned her into something she wished she didn't want to be. It was lucky for her that there was still someone who was brave and strong enough to look after her in that boarding school. She managed to go through her days there decently thanks to those people. However, this was where everything click back and pushed her to the ground with such force that broke every wall that she was building by herself. 

Like I said earlier, 2016 was the worst. It was the year where things kept on crashing not only on me but most people in the world. In the fandom. 2016 was the worst year for Kpop and was the worst year of my life. I still remember crying in that room at school everynight before I go back to my dorm because I don't want people to witness my weakness. I was never strong. Why do people keep on saying that I am strong? I continued reading the diary of 2016, reminding me the days. 

There was this one night where she just dropped it off. She was cleaned for about 4 months which was a miracle for her to do so but, due to the people around her; the constant hates, negative comments, bashing and whatnot had broken all the walls. She curled up in her favourite jersey holding tightly on to the knife that she kept for so long, not wanting to take it out again but failed to do so. The blood came out so much that night. I could still remember how it dripped from my arms down to the cold floor that I was sitting. She wrote the entry in anger and such sadness that made me cried all over again reading it. That wasn't the only thing she did that night. She wanted to end it. Everything. So, she pushed the knife at her neck, pressing it hard enough until she feel her skin stung.

She thought she will finally die that night but no, someone saved her. Someone found her and consoled her. Yes, she was grateful but on the same time, she was furious. What's the reasons of living when you feel like dying every minute, every second of your life? that was one of the most command line I came across reading the diary entries from 2012 to 2016. It was really heartbreaking to read it again and remembering all those days in 2016 that ruined the personality that I had built for the past years. 

I lost it. Where was the person I created inside of me throughout those dark years? I want her back. She was so strong compare to me right now. I lost myself again. The scars couldn't be erase. The memories are playing back like a broken television. The voices are coming back. The tears that I couldn't hold back anymore. I had enter back the phase where I want to be alone and just enjoy the night with the tears running, angry songs on and countless of pills being swallow.

For those who read until here, I am alive don't worry. I am trying hard not to do any of those stuffs but the person who once did that inside of me made me stronger and that's why I want her back. As you guys, know Bang Yongguk is currently resting from all of BAP promotions due to panic disorder and I assumed, depression as well. He was the first person that I had made into my role model. I wrote about him in my school essays saying how proud I am to stan him. He started from the bottom and was very hardworking. When the news broke out about him, I was in another fandom at that moment but the heartbreak was indescribeable. Ever since that day, everything collapsed, honestly. Now, I am back for real to stand up for the people I admire the most. 

It's one of the nights that I just feel guilty over everything and I really miss Yongguk right now. His voice soothes me but at the same time made me cry because we may not feel the same pressure but once someone has depression, its mostly lead to one same thing. It's because people's judgements towards us that we just couldn't bare anymore. It's just that period of time where we want to let out everything and be alone. I hope I, Baby too, Yongguk along with the other idols who are also suffering from the same illness such as the dearest Taehyun, will be stronger in 2017. 

Thank you for spending your time reading something that I would like to tell the world about.