Love Dealer

By pcyosh

reviewer: kshanti

 

You’ve asked for another reviewer, but I was assigned this. I hope this is fine by you and you will not be too disappointed. I am a very picky reader and will do thorough job in reviewing your story. If I sound harsh, I apologize – I’m very critical when it comes to fanfiction. However I’m intrigued by the main pairing of your story. Krisyeol on the other hand, not so much. It’s a lot for me to digest, but I will try my best not to let it affect my judgement.

 

title 3/5

 

» At first glimpse, I wouldn’t gravitate towards this. ‘Love’, as sad as it is, has a rather cliche sound to it. However it is short, precise and mysterious, so I’ll give you points for that. As I read your story, I found it suited the plot quite perfectly.

 

foreword and description 4/5

 

“Sehun is an undercover cop assigned to infiltrate and take down Exo, the biggest crime organization in Seoul. He’ll do anything to complete his mission, including becoming the lover of Exo’s boss, Kai.”

 

» Good length, concise. It gives the reader the basic idea of your story, yet leaves much to imagination.

» Foreword, okay then. I’m a very organised person and if the foreword lack information, I might turn away from the story. Yours is very neat and simple. I always say this, but foreword should definitely contain the following information: author’s name, rating, genre, characters, pairings and possible warnings and most importantly, disclaimer. Aside from the characters, I do not see any at first glance. As I looked more closely, I managed to find some mention of warnings. I suggest you highlight it with red, so it would be more visible to the eye. Currently you have no disclaimer. You’ve disallowed text selection, which is good, but as any original piece of fiction, yours needs disclaimer rights in case you want to avoid plagiarism, reproduction, translation etc. without your prior given permission. As for the gifs you’ve added, they’re a nice touch. Usually I’m not a fan of any images of the characters, but in this case the gifs are in visual harmony with each other, so I don’t mind. The quote provides the reader some insight on what’s to come, which is nice and can attract interest.

»  In the future I’d suggest you include basic information regarding your story. Please think thoroughly about your disclaimer and add it in all of your stories. Many authors don’t do it, but I think it’s advisable if not necessary.

 

plot 10/15

 

» The description gives away the red string of your plot, so I already know what to expect without having read further than that and the foreword. I’m intrigued and looking forward to finding out what will happen.

» I have unconditional love for Kris and Zitao, no matter what the story, so whenever you mention them, I’m happy. The information Zitao provided Kai gave this story a much needed boost of mystery, and I’m very glad it happened so soon, otherwise your story might've turned flat. You keep the reader guessing, which is a wonderful thing.

»  There’s a lot of dialogue in your story, and while I think it’s great and keeps the story afloat, the story itself needs to be carried on with other devices, and I think you could’ve spent more time in describing the circumstances, surroundings, people, anything, and pushed the plot forward more with narration. Overall it is great. I’m finding your subtle plot twists engaging and interesting, and I get the feeling that you’ve put a lot of thought into your story prior to writing it. Your plot is not the most unique one in the genre, but it certainly captures the reader.

» I’m baffled by the plot and am just going to say that you ing wooed me into wanting to read more of it just with your writing. I loved how it all came together in the end. I couldn't find plotholes, but your story is pretty complicated, so I tried to look for any. Perhaps your storyline could've benefited from a few removals of 'needless' drama. I found Big Bang's appearance a bit unfitting for your story and maybe a bit forced, as if you wrote these characters in just to have them in your story. Though they did serve some purpose for your plot and provided an opportunity to develop a quarrel between Sehun and Kai, I wonder if Sehun could've started remembering without TOP straight out giving the information to him.

 

flow 15/20

» Your story flow is good, but some of  your paragraphs are very short. By merging some of them together into longer ones, you’d get better structure.

» The pace of your story is consistent and I personally like the fact that you’re not writing every moment here and between but jump from incident to another. It keeps the story vivid and engaging. You kept me interested, which rarely happens. I’m a very difficult person to please, yet you did a great job. Your chapters also end with intriguing cliffhangers. You sure know how to keep the reader coming back for more.

» Okay so, although it sort of fits the storyline, I think that the explosive beginning to Sehun and Kai’s relationship came a bit too fast. Your story could’ve benefited from a lengthier approach, if you’d dragged it out a bit more, built the tension and kept the reader anticipating a few chapters longer. Same goes for the first scene; it’s a bit too soon and a little hurried. It could’ve used more , even if sort of against Sehun’s will. Regardless, the you write is good. Do I think it necessarily needs to be as long as it is? No. The , at some point, is strangely tender considering it is the first time these two have met and it is partly forced. I’m left wondering why on Earth that is. Moreover how easily persuaded Sehun is and why he doesn’t fight as much as I think a person in his situation would. That of course unfolded later on, but maybe the build-up could've been longer.

 

character and relationship development 15/20

 

» Sehun’s character seems easy to approach, laid back and well thought out, however sometimes pretty naive and hasty. Kai is a very harsh character, very blunt, at least in the beginning. Their relationship evolves quite fast, and I got the idea that the in the first scene was sort of a revolting idea for Sehun in the first place, but then he complies and submits very easily, which is something I find a bit hard to comprehend. I’m really not into the whole scene, and Sehun seems a bit too eager to get laid for the first time with a complete stranger. Kai is certainly not being gentle with him. Both characters have flaws and growth points, which makes them more humane. However I wonder if you could've toned down the possesiveness a tad, because while it was kind of understandable and given, it went to extremes at times. Some characters were more in the back than others, which is good. I developed a liking for Chanyeol's character, because there were many aspects to him and he was in many ways controversial, because though he did love Kris, he wasn't going to let it affect his judgement. Also what Kris did in the end suited him (tho I was a bit heartbroken but OK). All the characters that were in your story more than for a few sentences were overall great and there was a reason for everyone's actions.

» The portrayal of your characters is very eloquent and you’ve done a fantastic job describing them. I feel that you’ve spent a great amount of time building them. I can see growth and throughout the story I wondered where on Earth Kai’s strange affection for Sehun sprouted from. There is more to him after every chapter, which is something I enjoy reading. I suspected there was a revelation coming in the end that would make me rethink this whole story, and there was. I loved how it all came together and the characters and their relationships seemed to intertwine.

» To be honest I don’t know some these other characters you’ve written in or if they’re OC or not. This is just my lack of knowledge but you could’ve stated this in the foreword as well, if only to prevent confusion.

 

grammar, spelling, word use 10/15

 

» Since you live in the US (according to your profile), I expect nearly spotless grammar, spelling and vast vocabulary, assuming English is your first or at least your second language. I will list some mistakes you’ve made so you can go and fix them. Not all of them, but some you might have made several times.

 

» “into the police station” ➝ “to the police station”

» “the day where he could finally –” ➝ “the day when he could finally –”

» “You’re straightforward and don’t butter your words, I like it.” The other man laughs lightly.➝  “You’re straightforward and don’t butter your words, I like it,” the other man laughs lightly. Since the sentence after the spoken line indicates that Suho said it, the line should end with a comma and the rest begin with a small letter.

» “You let him touched you here? You let him kissed you?” Mixed grammatical tenses here.➝ “You let him touch you here? You let him kiss you?” This type of mistake was repeated several times.

 

» Overall your grammar is pretty much in order aside from few minor mistakes which you can probably find without a beta reader’s help. I suggest you go through your story with time and care to find any errors. While many don’t mind mishaps and cannot even pinpoint them, it is still nice to provide quality content, isn’t it? Your story plotwise is already great, so after you fix the spelling and some other grammatical errors, it’ll be a wonderful reading experience.

» Your vocabulary is vast and you use a range of even more uncommon words. In the future, concentrate on that even more. Your words are what bring your story life. An excellent story is an alive motion picture in the reader’s mind, effortless to imagine and easy to submerge into.

 

overall 18/20

 

» I haven’t read many Sekai stories in the past, so I was looking forward to reading yours. It turned out the be really well thought out, the plot was interesting and the characters easy to approach. It was enhanced with twists and rich in detailed , which is, well, always an enormous bonus. I enjoyed it, I really did. An exciting read to all of us in the fandom!

 

75/100