A War Inside Myself!

For the past six or so years I've been battling a war inside myself.

It's something I deal with everyday of my life, with some days worse than others.

I do have good days. I cherish those days, and even sometimes weeks. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't have survived so long.

When I tell people how long I've been struggling, they ask how I've done it for so long. Many of them talk about similar wars they've had, but in the end their wars were short. Mine is very long..., I can't see an end to it soon.

This week has been one of the worst in a while. I was forced to deal with one of my biggest triggers and it's threatening to win again.

Last year, I had to drop out of school because of my panic attacks, crippling anxiety, and crushing depression. I had a very scary panic attack during my first day, and never went back.

This year, I can't do that. I have to go back. I have to push through, or I won't have a future to look forwards to. It's something I have to do, but it's the one thing that makes my anxiety off the charts horrible.

Needless to say, I'm scared.

I'm not scared because I  don't think I'm intellectually unable to complete the classes or the internships. It may be hard at times, but I've never been that bad at school, unless you count math, lol

I'm scared that my anxiety won't go away this time. I'm afraid the panic attacks aren't going to stop. I'm afraid I'm going to spend the next two years in an anxiety filled Hell.

This week, I haven't hardly eaten anything because of my anxiety. I just sit around and stare helplessly. Nothing seems fun or good. I look at my computer and can't write anything. Heechul doesn't even makes me smile. I'm numb to the world and all I want to do is sleep. If I'm asleep, I can't feel.

Last night and this morning were the worst. I broke down. I lost it. I screamed and begged for God to make it all go away. I begged for him to take away the feelings inside me so I could live. They won't go away. I've tried everything my therapist suggested. I meditated, I breathed, I concentrated..., but all it did was calm me for a few moments and then it all came flooding back.

I'm so scared...,

I don't know what to do anymore.

I have to keep going, I have to go back to school, I have to live..., but my body is rebelling against my rationale mind.

I feel sick to my stomach. I keep hitting myself and trying to control the pain. It doesn't work.

Most of all, I'm so angry!

I was fine for the past few months. I had a bad day here and there, but it passed and I was fine. This isn't passing. It's not going away this time. I'm shaking as I type. Why do I have to be like this? I don't want it!

PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!

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Comments

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MyMinnie #1
I have uttered those last 4 words of your blog millions of times. I don't have a cure or some magical words that will help you and I won't repeat what others have already said. But after 10 years of my own mini world wars the reason that I'm still here is because I refuse to let depression kill me. I want my tombstone to say: " Died at EXO concert" or Died after meeting Donghae of Super Junior." I will not allow my mind with all of its quirks and qualms to be what takes my life. I don't know if any of this will help you, but here, on AFF I'm certain you'll find people that know what you're going through, and while we may not be able to take away all of your fears and anxieties, we can be a listening ear. So don't forget that we are here.
Ellyjelly96 #2
It didn't post the rest of my comment >.<
If you'd like to give asmr a try I could send you the links to a few youtube videos. To me they're a godsend.
Ellyjelly96 #3
ASMR. (Roll your eyes, skip comment...
profoundenigma #4
I know you want to go the natural route and not medicate but you my be one if those people who needs the medication. As alternative routes are clearly not helping. I pray that you find the right treatment that helps you live a normal life.
amywestern #5
try to read good books like Florence Scovel Shinn 's books or watch joel osteen's conferences. they really help us sometimes. i cried with joel's one conferences. he cured me really. i know sometimes we haven't mood but try once.
we all have own fears and we had to face with them ...
but my own opinion is, don't force yourself to do something. life is short but beautiful. dont waste your time with unlikable works . i haven't good education but it doesn't hurt me. i know many things that other studied friends don't know kkk
Nathaliafl123 #6
Don't forget that we're here for you.
Pretend that one of us is beside you in each class, every day, cheering you on. There's nothing to be afraid of.
We love you, LadyVamp.
sleepingprince #7
Would you be fine or maybe feel much better if you have someone to accompany you? I think for the few first days maybe you can get someone close to you like your family or friends to accompany you at school.. Then when you slowly get used to it eventually you'l be fine.
sakunoh #8
Hey sweety! I hope that you'll feel better soon and that you'll never feel this way ever again .. And I think it would be nice for you to go back to school, you might find the first few days a bit difficult as you'll still be adjusting to your new environment but I believe that it will get better and that you'll have very good days there, you'll make new friends, you'll get to discover news things .. you might have some bad days due to the stress from school, finals, etc .. but everyone goes through that and that's totally normal .. just remember to never give up :)
chan-sick #9
I don't know you, but I genuinely hope you everything good ♡ I hope all of those thoughts will some day be part of your past, something you've gotten over. I can't do anything except saying this, but I hope you'll get better soon ;; Just remember not to give up, good days will come back to you!
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