I started AFF when I was 18 years old. Back then I would never have thought about how I would live my life years later. Typing fanfic was a way for me to write out and share some of my fantasies and emotions, then it became a big part of my teenage life. It's like I grew up with it and it has got some links with me. I would get myself a cup of coffee and then brainstorm ideas, jot them down on a notebook and then transfer a well edited chapter into my laptop. That was basically a daily routine in my life. 

I know what I type in this blogpost would not get attention but I've suddenly got this strong urge to type my emotion and thoughts down. I tell myself this would serve as an interesting blogpost if I ever were to come back and read it many years later. 

Now that I'm on my way to attending university in life, I feel that I lost something really important. Not an item but like some inner self that I've misplace/lost and can never get it back. As I type this sentence, Yiruma's 'River Flows in Me' is playing in my playlist and I feel a tiny bit of sting at the tip of my nose. Being an adult is so much different than I thought, I don't feel adult despite at the age of it. It felt like yesterday when I was still 18 years old, slacking a little in school, reading fanfics alone in my room and enjoying working part time with crazy friends. 

I then ask myself what the difference was that I could see between then and now. I graduated from school last year and then took a one year gap to work a different part time job and enjoy life. I recently applied for university and am currently waiting for the news of it. Most of the people I had fun with are now on their way to another level in life. National service, Full time working staff and etc. It's been too long since I last seen or contacted them. They were my teenage life, the fun and crazy stuff we did when we were young and stupid. I guess that was youth, you do things for the fun of it and you laugh at basically anything because you have no worries. 

Now, I stay at home most of the days and I don't have as much fun like I used to. I think a part of my mindset has grown and I see things differently. I react patiently and no longer do things that will cause me to regret. Everything is still good except for the crazy fun I miss now but the burden grows.

This society is all about competition and I feel them the moment I graduated from school last year. My relatives were puzzled why I had wasted a year doing part time instead of applying for university straight away. They said that I would lost a year of studies compared to those that applied for university straight away. I had nothing to say, I kept quiet while I watch them ridicule me in front of others. Was it wrong of me to decide for my life? I missed how I could decide basically on anything in my teenage life. Perhaps nothing was really important back then as compared to now. 

At this point of typing, I think I should end this post. Although this is rather meaningless, I feel that at least I have got a place for me to reveal my worries and thoughts at a place where everyone is anonymous and no one would be judgmental about others. I am rather depressed why I couldn't get the support for making such decisions in my life. I am worried about my future too but I make efforts and I do plan them. Everyone has got their own problems and I find it best to keep these stuff to myself because I understand these emotions the best rather than trying to talk to a friend or my parents. 

I realize, I just wrote something stupid after reading the post. Perhaps many years later I would be back to read this. And maybe then, the older me would find some youth in this post which I couldn't find now.