Because I was once asked to write a 'It All Began With A Lawsuit' ft. him and didn't think to give Cho enough neices.

Break ups, Patch ups & Catch ups; The Z.Tao Edition

Note: This is a satire.

With the weather freezing up, the media is heating us up this winter with all the gossip related around a certain Huang Zitao, or Tao, or TaoTao, or Z.Tao or Z, whichever you prefer. Those of you who do not know what a ‘Zitao’ is, the shame is on you for not knowing the endangered, passive agressive panda species, consisting of one fine male specimen as can be seen here, and here, and here. Now that we’ve had a fair dosage of ‘zee’ Tao let’s move down to business.

Break ups

 According to Wikipedia: a ‘breakup’ is the termination of a usually intimate relationship by any means other than death. And this ladies and gentleman is what Tao wishes to do with his diabolical contract with SM as of 24^th August 2015.

Prior to this, Mr. Huang was known to have gone astray after his father deviously conspired against TaoTao’s well wisher SM entertainment. The parental figure was known to have dotted ludicrous notions of ‘resting’ into Z.Tao’s innocent panda brain.

Undoubtedly the treason towards SM became a success when one day Lawyer Cho Bumsuk posted that he had all KrisHanTao under his boat having previously released Hangeng from SM’s overly protective shell.

It was sighted that CEO Kim Youngmin was seen spiting fire through his nostrils as he beseeched that SM would ‘try to negotiate’ with their fellow employee. It is said, the company is suffering from a phenomena known as ‘idol leakage.’ Things are seemingly hectic at SM HQ as we speak. An insider stressed that SM Entertainment are facing a trauma due to Tao’s short notice resignation.
 

The hurt synopsis of EXO members was clear through their rapid unfollowing of Tao’s instagram, leaving many casualties lying on the cold hard ground crying, ‘I knew you were trouble!’ As well as spamming heartfelt messages of ‘traitor,’ ‘betrayer,’ ‘we are none,’ etc… 

 

In retaliation to the lawsuit SM insisted, "Our company plans to use everything in our power including both Korean and Chinese legal professionals and partners to respond legally both in Korea and China in a multi-faceted manner. We also plan to take legal steps to respond to Tao's illegal promotions and actions.”
 

Patch ups

Despite the bad blood between Tao and his fostering company, there is good news to be heard. Through an interview held by Sina it was revealed that Tao is keeping in contact with fellow X-EXO member Luhan. They have been exchanging phone calls, emails and text messages insinuating that they are still the best of buds or perhaps even more! This came as a thrill to fans who first saw the inauguration of 'HanZi' at DHL's express shipping port. We wait with bated breaths to hear if the pheromones are coming strong! May the ship travel safely through all seven seas.

This is not the only good news hitting satellites. NASA has confirmed radio activity coming from 'TaoRis,' a ship that was previously known to be shipwrecked. It has come as a shock to many to know that this sunken treasure has resurfaced from the seabed.


While some believe it will prove more haunted than the ‘Marie Celeste’ and the ‘Green Rose’ put together, sailors across the globe are rejoicing at the idea of a possible reunion or a harem (fingers crossed)! Perhaps Prince Luhan can re-glue his fellow X-EXO members together. As they say, if we can’t count on manly Saint Luhan for the job then there is no hope left in the world.

Catch ups

As the drama continues to double, triple toil and trouble, our dearest Z has traveled to the exotic US, paying tributes to theme parks and gifting fans with wondrous photos to add to their collection.


During his time off this wushu panda has not only been made into a fantastic game character but also released two solo EPs, both gems, from the deck of his own label ‘Huang Z.Tao Studio.’ Like all good soloists he’s held free mini concerts to promote; naturally, as strict guardians do not allow naughty children pocket money.


As a bonus surprise, his photo cards have invaded the albums of Super Junior and SNSD proving that the spirit of Huang Zitao is everlasting!

Because it is in the nature of a fan to completely obliterate bias and scalpel through loose ends, I am entitled to do a short review of the narcissistic siblings, T.A.O and Z.TAO. Stay tuned for more...

 

 

Part 2, in which I evaluate the teaser: The Cymbals of Tao
Part 3, in which I review the album: Taming of the 'T.A.O'
Part 4, in which I explore the album: Taming of the 'Z.Tao'