Hi... So everyone knows that there are things that have been bothering me for days. I didn't know at first... but now... I think all my questions are answered. Momentarily. 

I have been questioning their feelings towards me. 

I have been desperate to be consoled.

I have been asking my self too many questions that even I can't answer...

But today, just today... I cried for hours. I got drunk. Puffed 20 cgarettes. Every breathe that I took today was unbelievably deep. I've been thinking deep. And I've been suffering... I was lied at, technically. And I'm not mad. I don't feel mad being lied at but I feel guilty that I wasnt a better person to make him (or people around me) tell me something I should've known earlier. I wasn't mad at him. I was mad at myself. "Because I'm afraid to lose you", was it because I didn't show enough attention... Where am I lacking. Why am I laching. How am I lacking... Am I lacking? 

I got depressed because of my self. I got depressed because of what I've done to my self. I've been acting up. I've been a miserable human being. I shouldn't have existed in the first place but because of him, I wanted to change. I wanna change my self for good. He keeps on saving me but I keep on pushing my self off a cliff. 

I was suicidal earlier— no for days. I've been thinking of suicide for weeks already. But I've been saved for so how many times... he did. He saved me from this missery... I do not deserve someone like him. I'm no better than anyone... I don't even know if I deserve to live.

But hi, my husband... Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for saving me from my suicidal nights. Thank you for telling me the truth... Thank you because you made me feel special. I'll always be here for you... You know that, right? (ugh my hands are freezing). You know that I won't leave you... I won't turn cold.... I promise. I'll stand up with you forever even if "forever" does not exist. 

I wanna cry... seriously. Because I still feel sad of what happened earlier. I was crushed. Hard. But I didn't get enough console... I didn't need any sorry... I needed much more comforting words that could heal me up. I swear, I'm not mad at you or at anyone at all... I'm really mad at my self because hindi ako marunong makuntento. I love you... I'll just be here. I won't walk away. I'll stay no matter what happens. The moment I walk away will be the day you tell me to do so... but I hope you don't push me away. I love you...

Good night to whoever's reading this. Good night... Have a nice day ahead of you and I hope you don't get your heart broken today. Someone fixed mine already ^^. Oh well.