*Names have been changed. These entries are for myself. I just want to remember every detail that happens in my frustrating love friendship story. So read or not, it’s fine with me.

I will be forever wondering about her slyness whenever our hands touch. The subtleties. The sneakiness. The sudden rush of blood. The feeling of not wanting to let go. It feels like we both want it, but we know we can’t. Especially in public. And I don’t even know if she knows what I’m thinking. What I’m feeling. What I’ve been keeping.

We joined a marathon. Funny, we were the last placers out of dozens who ran. But who cares. We did it for fun anyway. When we realized that we were the only ones left running, we just walked because….. What difference would it make? We lost because of me. She kept waiting for me. I’m such a slow runner. A weakling. A burden.

“Taeyeon-ah… I’m letting you go. Just leave me. I don’t wanna be a burden. Don’t deprive yourself when you know you can win this. I can just walk. Go ahead.” I said, half-jokingly.

“I’ll never let that happen. We’re in this together. I’ll be here to help you along the way. I won’t leave you Fany. Ever.” She answered.

Most of the time, I feel like we’re living in a fanfiction. Our moments together, our lines to each other- they surpass that of the movies. And I ain’t complaining.

For every lap, we received a string to indicate the number of rounds we’ve finished. For the last round, she wrapped the end of the string around my wrist, and the other end to hers.

We were walking around a familiar place I used to go to when I was younger.

“A lot has changed already. It feels like I’m in a different country.” I said, looking around the new establishments in the area.

“I know. I love you too.”

It was random. Her words were like a flash of electricity in my body. I wanted to tell her the same thing. But no, I couldn’t. Not when I’m becoming more and more confused about my feelings. I thought I got over this already. So I just laughed it off, clung onto her arm and continued walking.

--

I remember our deal about my caffeine intake. (1 CUP = 1 KISS)

I confessed to her that I drank one cup recently.

“I still remember the deal we made last week.” She smirked.

“Oh? I don’t. Enlighten me.” I was kidding.

“I remember it clearly. So clear that I can even see it.”

“Which reminds me, I’m craving for an iced latte!”

“So that makes it TWO. You know what I mean.” She giggled. “Get ready for it later!”

I laughed, trying not to act like a smitten teenager. “You’re really crazy.”

Yes. I bought an iced latte later that day. I was luring her into drinking from my cup. I know she tries not to because of issues. But I just kept teasing her because the weather was hot. And the iced latte was cold.

“Look into my eyes and tell me you’re not gonna drink from my cup.” I told her, smiling.

“Are you really challenging me?” She said with confidence.

And then she just stepped closer to me. She was staring into my eyes. Our faces only inches apart. I was feeling awkward so I moved backwards. But truth be told, my heart was racing. I just laughed it off to cover my feelings.

--

It was already late in the evening when my parents called me. Sadly, they wanted me to go home. I wasn’t allowed to spend the night at my bestfriend’s house. I was scolded as if I’m a rebellious teenager.

BUT I AM ALREADY A 23 YEAR OLD ADULT. Other people my age go to parties, clubs, and night-outs. Some have even started their own families! I have already graduated from college. Why do they still treat me like a baby? UGH. STRICT PARENTS FOREVER L

They also lectured her thru the phone. I was scared. I didn’t want her to feel bad. After all, we enjoyed the day together. Way to go for my parents to ruin it.

“We might not be able to see each other again for a very long time after this.” She said. I could feel the sadness in her tone.

My heart fell.

“Why?  Don’t say that.”

“Your parents might be thinking I’m a bad influence. I’m very sorry, Fany-ah.”

“No! They’re not like that! Don’t be silly!” I opposed.

The day ended too quickly. Our minds, filled with anxiety. Our plans, ruined. Fluff turned into angst.

She drove me to the bus terminal.

“I’d rather be labelled as a bad influence. I’d rather take harsh words from your parents than to let you go alone tonight. I’d rather get lost driving just to find my way back than to be worried about your safety. I want you stay in my place tonight. I want you to be safe.”

It was sweet and touching. But my mind was already worried because of my parents. I wanted to kiss her on the cheek for making my stomach curl. But no, I couldn’t do that. Not when I mind was already all over the place.

In the end, my parents won. I took the bus and my dad fetched me from the terminal.

My best friend and I kept texting each other that night. We were both afraid of what might happen. And this text really struck my heart:

“I hope we still have a chance to go out. I have a very bad feeling right now.”

I kept telling her that she need not feel sad because truthfully, my parents are really strict but they like her! She’s just being paranoid.

But yes. I am paranoid too. My parents are watching the drama “The Rich Man’s Daughter” every night. And I’m afraid of what goes through their minds! The two lead characters act straight, dress femininely, both look girly. Just like me and her. What if they’re thinking….. sadkjfhskdfhaksjhgka

Is it too much already?

Our closeness means a lot to me. But I can’t imagine a life without her. Just thinking about it hurts me. And the mere thought of her having a boyfriend in the future, scares me a lot. The thought of us having someone else as the most important person, tears me apart.

Separation Anxiety.