Hi guys, long time no see. I've been gone for a while, and it's for the same excuse that most author's have with life being too busy for fics and stuff... but I just thought I'd vent here real quick because there's been some stuff going on in my life and I tend to hold things in too much. 

Anyways... I've always been in and out of bouts of depression throughout a majority of my life because, well, I don't know there's just too many times where life just was too much for a poor teenager to go through. But these past few months were probably the worst I've ever felt, it was pretty scary. Things at work were just the absolute worse and it was stressing me out like no other, but it's not like I could just quit. Life's just too damn expensive. Then my brother got kicked out of where he was living and had to move in with us. And I know it doesn't seem like the end of the world, but he had a drug problem and he's not really in his right mind and it just hasn't been comfortable to say the least. And my mom didn't recover well from surgery, and my dad didn't get the promotion we were hoping for, and his brother was caught having an affair, and my other brother just cant seem to find a job after graduating collegem and I had a falling out with a really good friend and there's just a lot going on, and I understand that that's just life, but I feel like everything just gets multiplied because 20 is such a depressing age. It sounds stupid, but everyone I know told me they went through depression around 19-20 and I didn't really believe them because feeling that way is kind of a norm, but holy man they were right. It's just this weird vortex of thinking about the future and where your gonna end up and how you feel like your entire future is resting on these few years of your life. It's scary. I thought I kind of reached this numb state of mind where I just glazed over everything because sometimes caring too much screws you over, but then my car freaking died forever as in like sent to the junk yard because it just turned into a pile of metal (sorry for lack of better wordage but whatever) and I don't why it triggered such ty feelings in me. I just started feeling useless and I started to feel worthless and that I was doing nothing with my life and it scared the out of me, I used to wonder why people would ever kill themselves, but recently there was never a day where I didn't think about it. I knew I'd never do it because I'm kind of a coward, but it was just scary that the thought was always lingering in my mind and that maybe something would push me over the edge and I'd actually do it. 

But I didn't. 

I'm sure a lot of people around my age have the same feelings because honestly I feel like this generation tends to hold their feelings in because it's always about being "cool" and feeling nothing and hating everyone and all that dumb aesthetic bull, and I'm not saying that everyone should be out and about spewing out all of their problems, but I just think it's kind of sad how much pressure were all under at such confusing age and I don't know where I'm going with this really, but I've had a good day. Mentally. A lot of people look at my life and think it's pretty great, and you know, from an outside perspective, I guess I see it. I do some pretty cool things from time to time and I have some great friends, and I'm not starving or jobless or anything like that. Maybe I sound ungrateful to some, but I just feel like on the inside through all the fun times and all the laughs. Fake it till you make it, right? Sure, it distracts me, but a the end of the day I'm always lying on my bed feeling like I don't deserve any of it and wondering why I ended up with the life I did. But, like I said, today was a good day, and my perspective kind of widened I'd say. My brother's moving out, I'm buying a new car this weekend, I'm getting a promotion at work, and I'm going to new york in a couple weeks, and everythings kind of superficial tbh, but it all made me feel better so whatever right? All of that "it gets better" used to annoy me all the time and I'm still not going to be throwing that phrase around because honestly there's just been so many times in my life where yeah it does get better, but a millisecond later, it all comes crashing down. So I guess I'm saying that yeah it does get better sometimes, but it also gets ing terrible sometimes too. But I think it's that exact cycle that makes people who they are. It makes us human. Yeah sometimes we feel like we're on top of the world, and sometimes we feel like were it the actual pits of hell. But honestly the climb to the top, even if it ing sometimes is so worth it, even if the view is only for a moment. Ew thats cheesy, but I feel a thousand times better today and honestly typing this all out is relieving a lot of pent up stress as well. So, I hope any of you who have ever, or still are going through depression, or even as just a heads up for when those times do approach you, it's not worth losing your life over. 

There's probably hella typos in this and I'm too lazy to reread, so sorry. But if any of you ever just want to talk or vent, or ask any questions, feel free to talk to me. I do still check back on here every now and then, but I'm more active on twitter lol if you feel all pent up I definitely recommend writing a blog post like this, or e even just comment it below and know that I'll read through it and understand and won't judge you for how you're feeling. Or even just write it on a piece of paper and throw it away. Whatever works for you man 

and I really do plan on finishing my unfinished work on here, I just need some time to sort my mind out... :) 

hope you are all doing ok <3